Hi all
I'm at my wits ends
My partner of four years always has been very jealous, I use to think it's projecting but never found out anything and I'm not a very distrusting person so I let it go since there was no other signs (and his mother neglected him when he was three so I put it down to trust issues).
However I'm always working with him on any problem. But sometimes I catch him out lying about little things that don't need to be ied about.
He has all the freedom in the world, I'm not telling him what to do or not to do, but he always makes out as if I'm a person that wouldn't let him buy a boat or go and spend a fortune on something he likes or someone that doesn't like him looking at other chicks. This is not me, his ex wa s like that but I'm totally a different person to that.
He would lie about the price of a speedboat he just bought because he said he thought he gets in trouble, he would not tell me if he knocked off early to go swimming so I don't get mad. Things like that and those tiny lies really bug me.
Last year he wrote with a girl drunk, and deleted all the messages. He told me that he barely knows her and I ended up being able to access those messages through a mutual friend of that girl but they were very innocent. So I felt betrayed that he had to delete them in the first place or why even write this chick. I have posted here earlier that his ex partner whom he has a cvchild with always gifts him underwear, shirts and clothing worth hundreds and he always felt the need to wear them. He would lie about it too, saying he went shopping buying those things but yet I end up finding the tags with the price crossed out and he would just be super defensive about it having a go at me instead of just admitting where they came from.
My partner works really hard for his money and he leaves early in the morning. I start 7-5 and come home buggered, do all the housework lunches and dinner and feel bad to ask him anything because he only just got home too.
So yesterday, his sister is telling me how she goes swimming nearly everyday at this swimming hole with him and the other brother. They usually finish at 1 and then go swimming (the hole is like 45min from his work). I feel kind of..... Bullshitted to? He always tells me that he only just finished and I asked him before why he doesn't smell and is soaked, he reckons its just sweat and I just can't smell it
Fair enough he goes with his siblings, no problem but why make a secret about it?
5 months ago he had a big blue with his ex, the mother of his child, she told him what a shit person he is and said 'if she (me) knew, she would leave your arse, I will write her a letter!'
He rang me straight away and confessed that two months ago, he stayed at her place for the child (I was ok with it at the time I never seen her as a threat after everything she did to him) and that the child ended up sleeping in exs bed and the ex asked him if he wants to join to cuddle the little one. He apparently said '!no I won't be able to sleep next to you without having certain thoughts' and he couldn't sleep all tonight because he got horny over the thought of sleeping beside the ex. Apparently she asked him the next day how he slept and he replied with 'couldn't sleep, got a bit excited about that thought' and she pointed out 'just like u are now?' (he must have had one horn again)
Apparently that was it.
I spoke to several mates and all the blokes said that it's normal to feel that way but that he should have not openly spoken about this with her, that's what makes it a problem
My problem is that he only came forward after she threatened to write me a letter. Its been five months now and I'm not over it. It really hurt me so bad and he kind of can't deal with me being a little distrusting about it. I can't ask him a simple question without him flipping his shit. He never used to be like that. But I guess now you can understand why I couldn't understand why he felt the need to wear her clothes . She send him a big $400 Paket of uggs, clothes (she is in on 32k a year according to childcare, not rich) as if it was an apology but made out it was from the kid
I know, reading this it's just red flags everywhere but whenever I dig deeper there is never anything
I really want to know what she would have said in that letter but I feel a bit to proud to ask her. I have a feeing that there was more to it than what he said.
She recently bought him a set of pyjamas and I asked him when he had the chance to go to Peter Alexander and he said 'i went there with my daughter couple weeks ago'. Feels the need to wear it and when I said, that I found Tags he just goes super mad saying I'm a drama queen and doesn't really respond to what I'm saying. It's like he looses his shit when caught out in a lie. But why can't he see that he is just simply wrong?
I said to him once, that I have a feeling that he still has feelings for her (I said it nicely and calm) and I need reassurance from him.
His response....... He yelled at me and went right into my face 'don't you fucking dare ever ssay that again, how dare you disrespect me and say I have feelings, how would you feel if i say that about you'
Would you ask her about the letter? I would really like to but I'm so proud I'm a person that needs proof. I don't leave for a gut feeling. Innocent until proven guilty
17 Replies
Girl, this is all too much!
Read back through what you've written as if you were an outsider looking in.
Can you recognise how utterly dysfunctional and toxic all of this is? Your partner's habitual lying? The borderline inappropriate relationship he has with his ex? The unnecessary drama? The disrespect?
Also, let go of this idea you need "proof" or some kind of socially acceptable reason to leave.
Being unhappy is enough of a reason to walk away.
Oh sweetheart.. it doesn’t even matter if their is nothing to the lies. He is a liar. And he lies without a second thought about the little stuff.. he prob lies so often he isn’t sure what is and isn’t anymore.
Don’t give him anymore of your time! Please.
What do you hope the letter says?
IMO, why not leave because he speaks to you like shit?
Why not leave because he lies?
Why not leave because after all this time instead of working with you to repair your trust you're made to feel like the bad guy here?
Fuck the letter, fuck his bullshit and fuck him off. You don't need proof, you want it, but what you've written is more than enough for any self respecting person to go their own way.
Amen sister
Amen sister
You don’t need proof to leave! You can leave because you want to! It’s your life, do what you want, who cares what the liar thinks!
You’ve caught him out in lots of little lies. Step back and think about what he has told you about his ex and why they broke up. Has he blamed her for everything? Has he accepted any responsibility? My ex blames me for our breakup, over a decade ago, and his current partner believes every word he has said about me. She has questioned his mother about why my ex in laws would maintain contact with me after everything I’ve done. She was told in no uncertain terms that there are two sides to every story and not to believe everything she’s been told. (By the way, we still don’t know what I did that was so terrible other than to leave an abusive marriage.) Have you met the mother of his child? If not, why not? I assume you’re a significant person in the child’s life when they’re with dad. I would at least introduce yourself to her and get to know her a little. I probably wouldn’t bring it up with her just yet, unless she brings it up first. Perhaps you could try couples counseling with your partner to see if you can get to the bottom of why he feels the need to lie.
Ahhhhh, the posts about the presents make sense now.
Dump his arse. You should have done it a long, long time ago.
No bloke is worth this shit.
He isn’t a partner he is a child.
You’ll feel so much better when you get rid of this guy. Your head will start to clear up and you’ll feel like you are no longer on the way to crazy town.
You don’t need proof of anything, you already know he’s an asshole. What are you proving/achieving by staying? That you would rather be miserable in a shitty relationship? If that’s your belief it’s time to get yourself some therapy.
You bought his last minute lie? Speak to the ex, bet its a different story. You have ignored so many flags here.
But honestly hes been disrespecrting you and making you feel uncomfortable for ages. What exactly are you holding on for?
Too many red flags.
Why would you stay with someone who treats you like this.
You sound like a glutton for punishment. You dont even have ties to this guy.
Move out and move on.
You will find someone right for you. This guy is not right for you. He is wrong for you in so many ways.
U got drilled by women on here in your multiple other posts for only focussing on the gifts. Why didn't you write all the rest with it? A story can only come together once all the deatails are there. Before this, it looked like you had an issue about him recieving expensive gifts only making yourself look like a cray cray jealosu ex.. When in actual fact he's actually a piece of shit. Get rid.
Yep, if she’d posted this off last time and the time before I’d have told her to get out, back then.
Run for ur life! He has been proven guilty so many times if u read through what u wrote!
You don't need the letter. Everything else you have written is proof that he is a dropkick. Respect yourself and leave.
When I read posts like this I feel incredibly grateful to have the parter I do - he's loving, caring affectionate, considerate and loyal. I just wish that women like yourself would see your own self worth, enough to walk away from the cheating, lying, gas lighting and general disrespect that you experience constantly. What you are describing isn't a healthy relationship, it's very toxic.
The hardest (but also best) part is accepting the relationship for what it is and deciding to walk away. Yes, it will hurt for a while but once you heal you will look back in shock at how you allowed yourself to be treated.
Someone who lies regularly and who attacks you for questioning it doesn't love you, even if they say they do. Actions speak louder than words. It's not your fault, it doesn't actually sound like he is capable of love and needs to do alot of self work before he is ready to be in a relationship. You however, sound like a nice person who could do alot better. I hope that you take all the advice here and leave, just make the choice and walk away.
There is someone out there for you who will love and respect you, you just have to realise you deserve it.
You need to go and speak with her and get rid of him. Just lying alone it’s disgusting. He is treating you for a fool. Go with the gut. He’s no good. Maybe they are still seeing each other behind your back. Maybe he did sleep with her.
All of this sounds soooo familiar!
I used to look at myself the same way you seem to see yourself, trusting.. easy going.. etc. I let so many little things go because to me they seemed unimportant and petty. I thought it was just because I was easy going and I didn't care so I compromised on everything!
It took me about 3 years to realise I was actually being abused, manipulated and gaslighted.
I too had issues with deleted msgs, him lying about him having a girl around when I was away for the weekend.. apparently there was nothing in it and he deleted the msgs because he "knew I would crack it!". Any time I would directly catch him out on a lie he would blow up! Deflect it and turn it back on me. Somehow I ended being the one in the wrong and the one with a problem. He'd break up with me because he "couldn't be with someone like me". So then the attention would turn to fixing or repairing our relationship rather than whatever he had done wrong or was trying to conceal.
Honestly, get out now. Love is not enough.
And people will think you stay because you have no self esteem, self-worth etc. I know its not about that. You stay because you are a kind, caring, compassionate person that chooses to see the good in people. But sometimes the bad outweighs the good.