I don't know if this is your average relationship issue?

Apologies in advance as this will be long. I don't know if I'm asking for help or advice or whatever, I just need to talk to someone because I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking to.
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Let me first say that I am forgetful, when I get stressed or overwhelmed I forget things. I have hearing problems as well, industrial deafness is a thing. Sometimes noises blend together and I find it hard to differentiate between voices and sounds. This causes problems, with me being told I don't pay attention/don't listen, on purpose to make OH's life harder. I can be a bit flaky and aloof, but I never used to be that way. Sometimes I feel its my brain's way of coping with anxiety, making me forgetful. Let's say i write a lot of lists so I don't stuff up. Regardless, this can cause problems too, being told I'm not taking things seriously. Sometimes I will shut down emotionally and be quiet, I would rather look dumb than continue fighting. OH calls this the silent treatment, which I can see from their point of view, but I'm not doing it specifically for that reason. So I know have faults too.

My other half (OH, and I'm trying to not use gender pronouns in order to maintain anonymity) had a horrible childhood, and suffers from PTSD and BPD2 as a result of that, and exes that were abusive.

When we met, it was quite honestly love at first sight - something I didn't believe in, because I'd been hurt/used so many times before. I didn't want to believe something like that was possible, but here I was. Things moved fast. We were inseparable.

I had to move from where I was, with my kids (I had a care arrangement with their father), so my OH suggested we move in (we were going to do that eventually anyway). We all moved in and it was very 'cozy', but we made it work. Things changed when we had their kids move in as well, it became even more cozy/uncomfortable. OH quit their job, I was still working. OH sold their car, we used mine instead. We went out to dinner one night and there were poker machines, I gave OH a few dollars to play with and they won. Big. Since then, literally any spare money (and not spare) has been poured into poker machines, chasing that big win again. Taken out of my account without letting me know beforehand more than half the time. This information isn't really important, just part of it all I guess.

OH found a bigger place to live so we all moved. All 6 of us pretty much (keeping in mind I had a care arrangement in place) so 2 weeks out of every 4 we would have 4 kids with us. Still cozy. Things happened and we ended up with 3 kids with us (nothing inherently bad), my 2 and their 1. My 2 still on the week on/week off arrangement.

I was then successful in gaining a very well paying job that took me away from home for a period at a time, meaning my OH was on their own at home with their child (my kids came home to me when I was back). I took the job in the hope that what i was earning would help us get ahead. It came to light that one of my kids was telling hurtful lies/stories about OH hurting them (completely untrue), and my other kid was constantly lying/took a potential weapon to school. Punishment was started and the bad behaviour stopped (for the most part). My eldest decided that they wanted to live with us full time, didn't feel like they could be themselves at their fathers house. We all sat down and discussed this, agreeing to a new care arrangement for the eldest, keeping my other child's one the same. My OH assured me that as long as my kid pulled their weight at home (chores, helping out etc), there wouldn't be any problem and I was hopeful. A couple of days before I went to work again, my OH gained new work - I was happy for them, outwardly I didn't show it as much as they had wanted me to. All I was thinking about was logistically getting to work (with no car, as I was talked into selling mine so they could get theirs) and if my kid would be too much trouble with OH now working. I was also thinking about how good it would be now that OH wouldn't have time during the day to put money in the poker machines, but I didn't want to say that to OH. I was wrong about that, but I'll get around to it.

Anyway, I went out to work, OH started the new job. All seemed OK. I started getting messages that my kid was lying again and not doing their share of the jobs around the house/being lazy. Not using initiative etc. Phone calls with the same - and being told again that I wasn't being supportive enough (it was hard to talk on the phone where I was working at the time with any privacy). The same night OH told me that they had broken down and couldn't take the behaviour anymore, so I cut my shift short and came home (I had borrowed a car to get out there and back).

I came home to sort out the behaviour and support my OH. I did the best I could, but it has never been to OH's standard (like I said earlier, horrible childhood but it was all they knew growing up). OH would jump in and take over, not let me discipline my kids or give me a chance to, so felt and said that I always left it up to them (which wasn't true). The next day I had my other child back with us too, which brought new stresses. Already slated to be on punishment, not allowed to talk to OH due to the stories and lies, there was no flexibility. I had both kids outside doing yard work 1. To keep them out of OH hair, 2. Keep them busy 3. To remove some of the stress from the household. This didn't work. Things came to a head and I got told to take my kids out of the house. I asked if OH was serious and they said that the kids will get what they wanted. What option other than leaving with the kids did I have? I borrowed the car (that I borrowed for work) again and left. I didn't leave without saying I love you to my OH, I honestly wasn't expecting go back unless it was to collect the few items I own.

I drove around for a while not knowing where to go. Crying, panicking etc. I pulled up, called the kid's father to see if they could go there, their father said he was too busy. I had some money left so planned to pay for a room for myself and my kids. A few nasty and realistic messages back and forth with OH and I got told to come and get their things or they would be thrown out. Again, seemed like no flexibility so I went back home and packed my kids things in plastic bags, and a change of clothes for myself. Walking back to the car, OH messaged me and started on me about not coming to talk to them so I went back. We yelled, cried, yelled again and then talked. Again OH told me that I needed to step up and discipline the kids, again I said that OH needed to let me do so. We decided that we would come back, and my kids would remain on punishment for a while longer. The stories started from the younger one again a day or so later and I did smack them. There were tears and it broke my heart. I have vowed to not let that happen again. It hasn't really changed anything, apart from my oldest living with us FT now actually pulling his weight and helping/completing chores. OH seems to hate my other kid, calls them names, calls them both names really, not really to their face but when discussing them with each other. I quit the well-paying job, because whatever happens, I needed to be home.

The gambling is a problem. Its how OH says they relax, but I get duped into going, or I'm expected to go. I'm expected to press the button every 2nd spin, and I know deep down that this is potentially, somehow OH making me responsible for their actions. I know that one day they are going to say that if I didn't go, they wouldn't have gone. I feel like I have to do it to keep the peace. I get promised things - like told that money thats been put aside will help me buy a new-to-me car. It ends up lining someone else's pocket via poker machine. I know that i will be blamed by OH for letting them go there, when in fact I feel forced. I would much rather be spending my night at home snuggled on the couch watching TV, or going for a drive to nowhere, than wasting it, because thats exactly what gambling is when you boil it down. Its only fun when you win. As a result, all of our items that could be sold or on loan, are sold or on loan. Even special jewellery (that was bought for each other with money that I had worked for). Being told that since the money got spent (gambled), we needed money for food and smokes, only to get the smokes and have the rest gambled away. Borrowing money from family, being told or promised the same thing (food, cigs and then wasted). Going with OH doesn't control the amount of money spent, I don't know why but I always believe OH. Maybe its that if I keep believing them, one day it'll be an honest promise. Maybe i go with them in the hope that they will see how unhappy I am being there, and realise that we shouldn't be there (outright telling OH that i didn't want to be there hasn't changed anything).

My car. I hated it and wanted it gone, but I didn't want to be left with no transport and no freedom. In order to get OH's car at a lower price, OH suggested selling mine (again with the promise that a new one would be bought). Any time that there is extra money put aside for that, it gets poured away into a poker machine. The car is OH car. Not ours, its OH's. I say that, because even though when OH first got the car, if there was any dirt on it anywhere, it was OH's car (as in 'don't do that to my car or you'll be walking everywhere'). Which is strange because the money i earn is ours but not mine even though the money that OH earns is theirs - at times OH will say different, I just don't question OH's weekly pay or how much they get. I get asked all the time what mine will be, how much I'll be getting and when, and if where I say its been spent doesn't match up, I get the third degree or some other thing where I get told that we will split our finances and I'll never be able to ask for money if its needed etc. I've been financially abused previously and knowing how that feels, I would never and never will do that to anyone else. I used to very irresponsible with money as a result, which in turn resulted in me losing everything, and I've worked very hard to be more responsible/understand spending habits and saving etc. I know that's what this is, financial control is what I'm experiencing. I don't know what, if anything, I can do to stop it.

So at the end of all this, i still love my OH very deeply. I know that OH has been through a lot and is stronger for it. I respect them for their hard work and struggles. My OH deserves to be loved honestly, deeply and how anyone deserves to be loved, particularly having gone through what they have. I love our little family, but I feel so trapped. No friends anymore because I participated in an activity where someone was hitting on me (and I told OH this as it was in the past), I was guilted into giving up that activity and as a result, my friends and my only outlet for physical activity. No transport, no freedom - nearly everything and anything I do is with OH, understanding that some symptoms of PTSD and BPD2 involve attachment. The money that I earn is being analysed and I'm being made empty promises constantly. I write letters because its easier for me to get my thoughts down on paper than it is to say them - part of the reason is that i don't get interrupted. I write the letters to remind OH how much I love them, what I love about them and why. I buy flowers, little gifts every now and again (when I've found myself with spare money). Not to buy their love. I just want to remind them that through everything, I'm still in love with them. I still love them and think highly of them. I want to feel loved too, it seems more often than not I'm failing at being a good partner. I am told often that some things I do are like OH's ex/exes or what the exes would do, compared to people i am nothing like. I feel like OH is finding the faults so that they can say 'see i told you so, just like them'. I get told (during fights) that it was my fault I didn't recognise things were bad for OH and that they needed help. If I don't get told that, its clearly implied at the time. I didn't see it because OH chose to hide it from me. Chose to not disclose anything when I did ask them what was going on, and push me away both physically and emotionally. Yet i am blamed. I know I can miss things, I get confused and overwhelmed. One thing I know completely is that if you want help, you have to want to accept it, and OH doesn't even accept help with housework (I still do it because its not their responsibility alone).

I know OH is controlling. Financially controlling. I'm still trying to work out if sex is being used as leverage/a form of control. I've been called hurtful names, none that I would ever call anyone else. Told I'm behaving a certain way, and then the hurtful names are used. I understand that OH has these conditions. OH has chosen to not continue counselling. I've asked if they are going and I either get lied to or the subject changes. If I want to discuss anything of concern it gets thrown back at me, I get called names eventually, I get talked over and can't get a word in or its a combination.

I don't want to get resentful. We can't discuss the kids (mine) because it makes OH angry. We can't discuss the gambling because apparently there is no problem. I am having trouble paying bills because I get told to take all of the money out of my account as soon as it goes in (I have mostly been paying the rent, I borrowed money for the bond. My name is on the electricity and we do a big grocery shop once a month. Pretty much no other food is bought between these times unless its takeout).

Please give me some constructive advice, I know I'm too nice, and I know that while I don't intend to be, I'm a bit of a doormat. I know I'm a bit of a sucker, and I know that my self-esteem has taken a massive hit. Feeling ugly, useless, no good. I've let myself become a verbal punching bag, because I keep believing promises of change. I just want to be loved and feel safe.