I’d love some advice please from others who may have been in a similar situation.
My husband and I have been married for 20years and we have 4 kids, three are teens and one still in primary school. On the surface, everything looks fine, we have a comfortable home, nothing super fancy but a manageable mortgage, good schools etc. But I’ve known for a few years now that my heart just isn’t in it anymore.
Day to day life is OK, he’s great with the kids, does heaps around the house, we both work full time and contribute evenly to running a house. However there’s a really unpleasant nasty streak to him and the smallest of things set him off and he stomps around the house and can rant and rave for hours, sometimes days. It could be something as simple as the cutlery in the dishwasher not stacked properly. I’ve long suspected an underlying mental health issue but if I mention getting help he completely hits the roof and I just can’t be bothered with the argument. He doesn’t have a lot of friends and is very critical of people whereas I value my friendships and enjoy keeping in touch with people. This has been going on for years. This behaviour completely unravels anything that’s good. If I’m invited out anywhere, I’m much happier going on my own.
I know in my heart that once the kids have gone that there’s no much left to stay for. I often talk about things I’d love to do in the future once kids are grown (ie travel to a particular place) but he has no interest, it’s like we are completely different people.
How do I bring up separation and actually go through with it? I’d be the one to leave but the kids would be shattered. I’m not worried at all about being on my own, what worries me is staying and getting 10 years down the track and having even more regrets. I think our friends and family would be really shocked if I did this. I want things to remain amicable but forge ahead with my own happiness.
I just don’t know how to even bring it up and put the process in place.
5 Replies
Would the kids be shattered though? Or would they be relieved to have a reprieve from dads tirades?
They might be sad, they might be fine. Don’t try and judge how they will feel.
Are they hard conversations? Sure. But awkward and hard conversations need to be had wether it’s now or in the future.
Would he consider attending counciling with you?. Could he be on Meth? Being set off by small things reminds me of the meth comedowns my husband used to have. I could be totally wrong, but its probably worth looking into.
If you're adamant you're done tho and arent willing to give this anymore of your time, then that's fine too, it's your life. Maybe the scare of you telling him you want to leave could be the kick to the backside he needs and he might even want to save the marriage with you. If there's no reaction when you tell him, or no reaction if you offer an ultimatum, then leaving is probably the only option.
Just bring it up gently and calmly to see how he responds. And if you go ahead with leaving and your family is shocked by it, that's not your business. It's your life and they will just have to get used to it.
Hi Anon,
I could have literally wrote this myself, It has now been a week since my husband of 15 years (together 25 years) has moved out. Firstly deep breaths, you can do this. Other people dont need to know initially so dont worry about what they will think (when it does come time to tell them, be prepared to answer questions). During this last week Ive often found myself thinking if it was all really that bad, did I just break the family up for no reason etc..this was something I wasnt prepared for. We have 2 teens and a primary school as well, so far they have been good, yes extremely sad and emotional, but just let them know that they can ask any questions, feel a range of emotion and that more importantly you will be there. Before going through with the decision, make copies of all youre important documents for example, birth certs, passports, bank statements etc, if you need to arrange accomodation, perhaos start looking into this and applying (you will need proof of paying mortgage if possible), think about who will be your initial support during the first few days and have them at the ready if need be.
I wish you all the best, just breath and you have got this.
I’m a big believer in the staying ‘kids are better off from a broken home than living in a broken home’
I think your best bet it to sit down and tell your husband that you’re going to leave. Find a rental and follow through with it. Be sure to let him know that you think he is a fabulous father and you will always support his relationship with the kids, but you think you’ll both be happier calling it a day, appreciating the last 20 years and knowing when it’s time to move on.
Don’t forget to seek legal advice about how you split your assets.
As for everyone else, who cares what they think. It’s your life! Time to live it. I bet the kids will get over the shock quicker than you think!! Especially if you and their father can find a way to be amicable.
Very similar situation for me, got sick of tiptoeing around him. Realised I was teaching the kids to tiptoe too and that was the final tipping point. I had tried to leave many years prior, but fell for his emotional blackmail (threatening suicide etc). This time around I was prepared for and expecting it, told him while the kids weren't in the house. He immediately went looking for them to tell them "mum wants to destroy our family". I've been out for just over a year, although dealing with him is a nightmare I am 100 times happier than I was. It's not been a walk in the park and there has been a lot of adjustment for the kids and I, but my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. Bringing it up was really difficult, but I had to do it, not once did he suggest we try and work things out, which just proves to me that I've done the right thing. He sounds very similar to your husband and I'm quite certain that he has some severe mental health issues (possible personality disorder) that he refuses to get help for. Big hugs, be strong, you can do this.