I need your help desperately mamas! I'm at my wit's end :(
My husband and I have 2 beautiful children, a 2.5 yo and a 5 mo. I'm once again going to bed shaking with anger because I've had it with my lazy sleepy slob of a husband.
Our kids are very high-needs, the toddler has sleep and feeding issues, and the baby has severe reflux and colic issues, so it's been rough, despite me becoming a stay at home mum. I know my husband works but I work 24/7 and there are no breaks for me, no 8am-4pm, barely time to eat or shower. I basically survive by drinking coffee and because I know that my kids depend on me 100% since my husband can't even stay awake after he comes home and has a shower. He barely helps around the house without a big argument, and can't even pick up after himself let alone after the kids, he is like a teenager (even though he's 37!) and I'm like his mum, and I hate it.
I could leave a piece of crap in the middle of our living room for a year and he would just walk around it.
He leaves empty food containers and drink bottles on the floor for me to pick up, knowing full well what a hard time I'm having with the kids.
About a month ago I got sick and was hospitalised, so he had to take a few days off work to look after the kids, and after that he came to me practically on his knees telling me he now understands how much harder my job is than his etc... But the appreciation and help around the house only lasted a few days, as usual.
What's worse than this, is his issue of falling asleep. He has fallen asleep holding our baby, and once even let go and the baby rolled off his arm and onto the couch! I was livid! I cried from the shock of it and from thinking how much worse it could've been. He was upset about it too at the time, but still falls asleep when he's meant to be looking after the baby! I no longer trust him to look after our kids, even if it's just to take a shower.
I have to check up on him every 5mins to make sure he hasn't fallen asleep, and I think that's very unfair! Why should I have to always be the only responsible one?
Now, I understand he gets tired from work (physical job) and can't help it, but he can prevent it, just like I do by drinking coffee. I'm tired too, I barely get any sleep, but I'm responsible enough to do whatever it takes to make sure I never fall asleep when others are depending on me. But that's the thing, it feels like everyone is depending on me, so all the pressure is on me, I'm too scared to get sick with even a cold because I'm needed - ALL THE BLOODY TIME.
Well I'm sick of it, I've had enough! He knows how I feel, he knows I'm at my wit's end, I've threatened to leave, fought, cried, gone to counseling (he and I go to counseling separately for our own issues), but nothing seems to wake him up, literally!
I've told him I feel like a single mum, and I feel alone, and I can't keep up with the parenting plus chores, and he says he is working on it, but the improvements only last a few days. What do I do? Am I being too harsh/lenient?
Sleepy slob husband
Sleepy slob husband
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Behaviour
6 Replies
My husband was similar, he'd nip off & id always find him fast asleep. Supposed to be grabbing something - having a kip upstairs, thinks its funny that I'm pissed off when i have to come & find him. Nothing more angering when you're exhausted & dirty & stressed to see your 'partner' stretched out catching 40 zzzzs. And when its consistently him & never you, its not a team effort anymore. Since i assisted his eviction from this house life is much much better for me. He's taking the piss & you both know it. Theres nothing more mentally & emotionally exhausting than caring for kids 24/7 while feeling emotionally alone, angry & tired, mad, heartbroken, confused. Its amazing how light it is without that hanging on you every day.
Has he been checked for any sleep disorders? Sleep apnoea, narcolepsy etc can all cause people to fall asleep at strange times. Before writing him off he needs to go to a GP because falling asleep all the time is not normal and as you both have discovered dangerous! Also sleep disorders can make everything feel like walking through sludge to do anything. Even if you go separate ways he needs to seek medical help otherwise access to his children is likely to be dangerous.
It can also come from depression or escaping reality or 'checking out' , laziness, self-importance / self concern that obviously runs over into you also putting his needs first & yours on the burner negotiating with yourself that maybe he's really tired & really needs it & maybe you're unfair or too expecting, or in my case a severely selfish & immature man.but in any case it very much impacts on you, & its impossible for you to support him if he cant care enough to see how it affects you & the family & change it or seek help for himself.
By the way it also comes from bad communication. Thinking about my situation, it just got to a point where i no longer ever wanted to see him sleeping. I never thought he deserved a sleep because he sure never let me sleep & all he ever did was nap and like you i had to watch out on his shift too, so there was no communication & complete exhaustion, at some level he felt hard done by in his position too, as little as it seemed he tried at the time, so the whole thing fell apart. Try talking, try a gp, try to shake a new attitude out of him, but take care of yourself too.
Personally I believe in the whole "if he works he doesn't have to do home work aswell" as he is bringing in everything financially. When I was a stay at home mum and he was working I did everything at home. Now that we are both working, we share home duties (I do majority of it though as I only work 20 hours a week and he works 50). This is just my opinion though, and we only have the one child not two that are hard work, so I cant really put myself in your position. If it is really putting stress on you, I would be putting my foot down. As for your hubby being a sleepy slob, I think most of them are after a day at work! :P
Sending big hugs to you! Please seriously look into sleep apnoea whilst your hubby sounds like he needs a very serious kick up the bum it may not be laziness. For years I begged my hubby to see a sleep doctor he would randomly fall asleep during a conversation it is was that bad. After much nagging and an accident at work crashing a vehicle with passengers and forced him to lose his job and a large sum of money he went and had a test he snored so bad it was horrid. I spoke with the doctor and he was surprised my husband was still alive there was so much strain. On his heart due to lack of oxygen. His licence had restrictions of only being allowed to drive for 15minutes at a time with 2 hours rest in between. This was right before our daughter was born he was mean, lazy and did nothing but eat sleep and smoke.i wanted out I really did. I took about 3 weeks of using a sleep apnoea machine at night but now he is a different person he doesn't nap unless he is sick he can work longer hours and no longer restricted to driving. Almost three years on he cares for our daughter although i won't allow her to co sleep with him, he works long hours in a physical job 6 days a week and still manages to wash dishes, vacuum twice a week and clean the bathroom - still won't fold washing but if there's a secret to that so done let me in please! So for the safety of everyone especially your kids please get him tested it may change your maraige completely and increase your husbands quality of life! Best of luck xxx