I'm just wondering on your thoughts about your children showering with their fathers girlfriend...child is 4 turning 5. It makes me very uncomfortable and I am wondering how to approach this with them. Do I tell her that as she is learning to be a big girl at home she should tell Daddy that she wants to keep learning to shower by herself at his house or do I try and talk to him myself...there is no good communication between us as he got violent and I now have a dvo on him, communication is to only be about her...and even that is hard. I am trying to teach her to shower by herself.... wet her body, soap on sponge, wash, rinse, turn taps off , dry and dress. With some supervision. I haven't showered with her since she was about 2 as she started showering with her older sister whom now showers by herself apart from me setting the water temperature. I am just stumped because I didn't think that showering with someone else's child was a thing. I have absolutely no problem with them spending quality time, but more like painting nails or bike riding for example. Thank you.
32 Replies
What happens at dads house is up to dad and his partner. You can teach her how ever you like at your place, but when she is with her father it’s all up to him. You don’t get to dictate how he parents
I think your response would be completely different if this was a little boy showering with mums new boyfriend.
To the poster. Not appropriate for a child to be showering with adult who is not their parent. She is 4.
You just need to express this to the father via whatever communication system you use. Keep a record of it. Be completely factual “I request our child not shower with any adult except siblings or parent”.
No, actually I would be the exact same reply. Not your house, not your rules
So if your daughter was coming home and saying she doesn't like seeing daddy's friends boobies...you wouldn't be concerned...?
Where does it say that?
I am the poster...she has told me she doesn't like seeing this ladies boobies, but she has also told me she likes to spend time with this lady (which i have no problem with as i have said). Thus my dilemma. My thoughts are she is embarrassed to say anything because she doesn't want to upset anyone.
Then why not put that in the original post. Not add it later
Probably because I don't want people to think bad of our little girl. I have not been officially introduced to this woman but when our daughter wanted to get her flowers I said no problem, I want them to have a decent relationship and am not resentful...but I do have issues with this as I would not actually get into the shower with my partners daughter..but i will guide her through the process and wash her hair if necessary. As i said, i believe she may be shy as her father has said some rather nasty thing about myself, my partner, his mother and her puppy in front of her and she doesn't want to upset him any more by saying anything to him. It is a hard situation as I know he loves her very much but i believe he still has alot of resent towards myself and he cannot hold his tongue in front of her.
Its just about impossible for a child to say no to something in a house with 2 adults telling them thats the done thing.
It is ok for her to wash your child, or be present for the shower, but her being naked with the child is not ok, you drew the line yourself.
I have watched my child wash herself, dry and dress in front of me. For her to say she doesn't like seeing this woman's boobies is upsetting to me and as I said i am unsure of how to approach this. I don't feel this woman needs to shower with our child as she can do this for herself. I have no problem with supervision as I do this, it's the getting in the shower with her that is weird.
This woman and my ex make porn videos and post them and to me that is a no no...and i know that they are entitled to do what they want sexualy, but my own body screams this is wrong when it comes down to our daughter and her shared showering.
You posted I’m not long ago about your ex and his partner making porn videos and smoking pot?
I did and upon reading responses I understand that we are as adults entitled to a sex life no matter how private or visible (i myself am more private...i think it's called vanilla because I suppose it's lame sex). I just worry as a mother and after seeing our daughter care for self and then having her mention that she gets washed by the girlfriend at Daddy house odd, may just be me but if you know they are capable would you not have doubts...? As to the pot, we have written an agreement that it is not smoked in front of her.
I remember your last post about the pot and the porn. All of this combined has me wondering how capable he is as a parent and it has me concerned for the safety of your daughter.
It worries me that he needs explicit instructions in a parenting plan to not use weed in the presence of the child.
Making porn alone wouldn't worry me, but the fact that they make and share their own porn combined with the shower issue that they seem to be insisting upon and see no apparent issue with - that really concerns me! At the very least, it makes me think they have a very skewed view of appropriate boundaries.
I actually believe you might need to get some professional advice here.
I don’t think so. I wouldn’t send my daughter if his partner was in the shower with her. It’s over stepping the boundaries completely. So no what happens at their house is still a mother’s concern. What a ridiculous answer🤦🏼♀️ fathers do not have a mother intuition. I know my husband doesn’t think about things that I do when it comes to my kids. My kids and their safety and protecting them from creeps is in my mind 24/7 what is this was the other way around?? This mother has every right to feel this way.
Different people have different views on nudity. If his girlfriend took your daughter to the swimming pool they’d be changing clothes and showering in the same cubicle. Camping? Same deal.
If your daughter isn’t worried about it, don’t worry about it.
Completely different to a swimming pool change rooms, bet that hasn’t even happend 🤦🏼♀️ They are home where this could be happening all the time. Her daughter might not be worried about because she may have no idea what to think or feel at that age. Kids are manipulated when it comes to things like this. Just because it’s a female showering with her, it doesn’t matter. Kids need to be taught privacy about their bodies weather it be female or male. I wouldn’t allow it.
It’s not your child’s responsibility to “tell daddy” anything.
Tricky one.
I've got a daughter the same age. And I think I would just say "that's great if you like having a shower with .... but just remember if you want to have a shower by yourself, you can just use your words and ask to shower by yourself like you do at home". My daughter would be old enough to set those boundaries but I would also tell her there is nothing wrong with it if she's comfortable. And I would probably just keep the lines of communication open with my daughter about it.
I think this is a good situation where you're teaching your daughter to be responsible and respectful with her body and nudity. We live in a day and age, where its important to be comfortable in your skin, with nudity ect ect but also speak up and voice their thoughts whenever its uncomfortable.
People would be telling you to call CPS if the question were about mums new boyfriend showering with a 4 year old!
This is not appropriate. Period!
I'd actually be prepared to take this further if speaking to dad and his girlfriend was unsuccessful.
Agree
As a mandated reporter, this goes against everything I know to teach kids about self protective behavior.
It would be something I'd actually have to consider reporting!
Yeah not ok and not what you teach children about their own safety, something dad and his partner should also be extremely concerned about since risk increases for children in separated parents and then increases again when parents repartner, due to increased exposure to so many different people. Thats why we teach safety and right and wrong, but you undo it all when you go and DO the opposite
As you have the DVO on him I would probably go through mediators to update parenting orders in and put this in there.
I have tried to go through mediation but every time I mention it I get no reply. We have a personal agreement.
Yeah see she's young enough to be wanting it. Many years ago my bosses daughter wanted to shower with me. I would help her toilet when I was around so there wasn't any risk that wasn't already there and I said no due to perception. Earlier this year my daughter and I shared a shower camping. My nieces begged to have showers with me so much that I had to say no to my daughter. My nieces were 4 and 3 at the time. Honestly, once again, my only reason for saying no was self protection and I felt mean in doing so. Are you concerned for your daughter's safety? If so I'd be trying to stop her being around the girlfriend in any capacity. If you aren't concerned, she's probably not seeing any more of your daughter than she is at other times or your daughter sees of her if she's walking in on her dressing etc.
Im a young grandmother to a 10 month old and even i wouldn't shower or bathe with her and she's my blood. Let alone a practical stranger.
I wouldn't be comfortable if they were both showering together.
If she is supervising her, that's different.
I've been in your shoes, I did make it clear that I was ok if she supervised my son, but I didn't want that time to become overly familiar.
I am horrified reading some of the replies on Facebook. I can see how so many children are easily molested when parents seem to be so complacent with their children’s safety. I would never ever have allowed this to happen with my children under any circumstances. You are her mother and she is too young to advocate for herself. She has made it clear she is not comfortable. Please take action.
Exactly!!!
Yes! The Facebook.comments really worried me too.
This really isn't okay no matter what spin you put on it.
I wouldn’t like it and you have every right to speak up or maybe ask your daughter to tell her that she wants to shower on her own so that it isn’t coming from you but there’s no way I would let my daughter. Maybe send her a msg and say it’s nothing against her and you aren’t cashing any trouble and think she is a fantastic step mum and all but your daughter wants to shower on her own and isn’t comfortable with it. Put it across nicely to her or your ex and tell her how good she is as a step mum so she doesn’t think you are putting her down or causing trouble. Give her compliments & be striaght up.
Sometimes I have put the onus on my kids to do things at dads like you said... "maybe you should ask dad if you can be a big girl and shower by yourself there too..." then it doent appear like im hassling dad about how to raise the kids
My ypungest stepson is now aged 7 (been with his dad for 5 years) and he recently broke his arm and needed help showering but he wanted my help and theyve been learning at school about privacy so we had a chat and i said I'm happy to help and generally ill try give you your privacy now like the older ones get as you are getting older now but if you don't feel comfortable with me then thats ok and just tell me and he said ok that sounds fair.