Hubby & I have been together nearly 20 years, we are ‘high school sweethearts’. We have 3 children together ageing from 7-18. He’s a good dad most of the time. He doesn’t smack the kids or anything like that, but he’s lazy when it comes to doing anything with them. He cooks, he cleans, he works 4 days a week, I work full time.
Lately though I feel like there is no intimacy, only when he’s interested. He’s certainly not cheating, I’m 110% sure of that. I feel like the problem is me. Ive had depression for nearly 14 years on and off. I was suicidal and I have anxiety. I’m seeing a psych and slowly working through my issues, problem is I want to live! I don’t just want to be a mum and wife 24/7. I want to be selfish and start putting myself first but I feel guilty every time I do that. I have no ‘friends’. I went for a drive today and cried as I was feeling so down and I had no one to call. No one to message. I just sat in my car crying in a car park. He can’t leave and neither can I as we can’t afford it. I just don’t know if I’m invested anymore in this marriage. I’m not happy. I want to be by myself but every time I say something to him, it turns into an argument. I don’t know if I truly love him anymore. My heart says he doesn’t look at me the same, he doesn’t have that sparkle in his eye. We never have date nights. We don’t go out anywhere. And I’d we do we have nothing to talk about except for the kids. Is this what the next 50 years will be like?
Will I ever be truly happy?
Did you leave?
I suppose I’m after advice from people that have left, but not due to abuse or DV, drugs etc. just for your happiness and mind.
6 Replies
Would you both consider Councilling first?
If then after a real good go and a few months of sessions you still feel the same i think then it will be time to work on calling it a day
Councillors for both of you and for you alone. This definitely seems like a “you” issue not an “us” issue. Your sad and that’s okay, but you need help to sort it out. I wouldn’t jump straight to leaving him. It sounds like if you did, once the dust settled, you have “lived” for a few months then see him happily settled with someone else you would regret it.
The difference is, if you leave youll be forced to do all those things to build yourself a happy life, and youll get there .
You can also do it now. Stop telling yourself you cant. Stop feeling guilty. Stop worrying about him and what hes doing. Leave him for a weekend with his kids. It wont kill him. Join clubs. Spend the money. Go out to try things out and meet people. When you gain that independence - that confidence that you can walk out of the house and you can do things, youll feel the change.
And also, maybe the relationship is to blame. Maybe its not good for you, its just been long and all you know. If you try and cant build your happiness in it then yes get out. Or if you do help yourself then your relationship might change or you might see it differently.
Why don’t you get the 18 year to look after the other 2 kids and book a weekend away together and enjoy some down time together having fun together like old times. Kids make a huge difference. I think it would do you both good. Surprise him with it and reconnect.
1 Join a womens social group on Facebook in your area and start meeting up at least twice a month.
2 Join the gym, get yourself into peak physical condition: gets the good endorphins and brain chemicals going. Also will spark hubbys interest again.
3 Date night with every week.
Grass isnt greener on otherside, make your patch of grass as green as possible.
What if you could have it all?
Do you want out or do you just want more?
Ditch the guilt, there's nothing wrong with wanting more you just have a responsibility to balance yourself out. Society (or old societal norms) are the cause of this guilt, we are raised to believe being a partner and mum should be enough. FYI, for some of us it's just not.
I'm a FT working mum, been with my partner 25 years and we have a 23 year old son. I have depression and anxiety and I have no doubt I could chuck at least one more on but fuck it, I get by without the label for now. I get it. More than anything I get the mindfuck going on.
Here's what I want you to try, it'll cost you little so it's worth giving it a shot. Don't throw away your relationship yet. You know they ebb, maybe it's just low tide. Find what fills your own cup so you're not relying on that tide so much. For me it's concerts, I'll go alone and I'm getting braver and travelling further for them.
Secondly, if you want intimacy be intimate. A pat on his butt as he's cleaning, your hand on his cheek as you kiss him, sit beside him on the couch to watch a movie. That kind of thing.
In or out of this relationship, without that first one nothing changes. An empty cup is an empty cup. The second one is just the baby steps towards putting some spark into a struggling flame. Maybe it'll work and maybe it won't but what you will know was that it was really over, not a knee-jerk reaction to your mental health that you'd later regret. I hope it goes well, that you find your passion and can move forward with a clearer mind.