Mums who have separated amicably (or at least intended to. Who knows how we’ll manage this shitty situation in the future... I hope it can still be amicable).
We have 3 kids together, 20months, 8 & 11.
There is no domestic violence of any sort. He is just incapable of putting his family first and treats us with total disrespect and behaves like a child, lies in every sentence that he speaks. So I’ve told him we can’t do this any more and am looking at separating in the next few months when I get myself together and prepare.
I’m just stuck on what the next steps look like.
What is reasonable with regards to the house (we have a mortgage). Do the kids and I stay and he help with the costs until we sell?
What about visitation with the kids? He’d live with his parents for a while (probably a long while to be honest)- they have never liked me. I’m so scared of the kids being in an environment like that where they would throw me under a bus at every opportunity.
The kids have sports and social lives and medical appts. How does all that work?
What happens with furniture?
I work part time, so would need to increase my hours I guess.
School fees, daycare etc- what happens with all the life costs that I can’t pay for because money doesn’t grow on trees?
I know every circumstance is different, but it’d really help me to hear suggestions, or ideas on what has worked for you, or what hasn’t.
I’m feeling overwhelmed and so scared. Please be kind with your responses.
5 Replies
You only have control over your time. You fit the medical appts in, and if he doesnt take them to sport on his time, then they miss it.
You pay for your own things and if you cant afford it, you dont have those things.
You will work out who pays what between you. Youre not married anymore so youre equally responsible. If theres a main carer then theyre responsible, and theyll get child support to cover some part of it too.
If youre both staying in the same area then its good you both understand what the kids do, but thats not to say you also dont need to be flexible as some changes will happen. If hes a shithead and lazy parent, then Id worry more about their time with him than what the adults will say about you. Sorry to say, it doesnt sound like its going to work out great and if I was you Id go right away for him having every second weekend and hopefully thats all he wants.
Really straight to every second weekend. They are his children. If he isn’t any danger to them, why should he have to miss out on so much time with his children. Offer 50/50. Just because this person doesn’t want to be with him doesn’t mean his kids want to only see there dad 4 days a month
Yes really, because he sounds like he might be fine with that, and short quality time is definitely better than long, shit time being snarled at, bored, and missing out on your regular clubs and activities.
I never said that if he wants more, he wont step up and do it. That would be magical, however doesnt always pan out, and if not he can make things really hard on everyone.
50/50 isn’t in the best interests of children. Plenty of research on it
This is a massive question and really depends on your circumstances but I had a pretty successful co-parenting situation as the one thing we agreed on was no lawyers and that the most important thing is the kids. We agreed on a split of assets and didn’t fight if we didn’t get everything we wanted in terms of furniture etc. We agreed on an amount of child support and have private collection. This means we retain all control but it’s not for most people as it relies on trust! I am happy to chat to you if you want some details or advice.