What would you be willing to change about yourself to try and make yourself more appealing to your partner? Lose weight? Tone up? Make over? How far do you go in the hope that he may see you in a sexual way again. Not just the mother of his children and the women that keeps the house clean. How long could you live in a sexless relationship? No touch, no romance, no spark? How many times could you try to initiate sex to be completely shot down or ignored before you give up trying completely and excepting that at 30 you now live a sexless life.
13 Replies
That’s a big question and different for everyone!
But the man I love - provides a fab income works massive hours but comes home rolls up his sleeves helps with the kids, cooking, cleaning etc that means so much more to me.
Nothing in this world would make me blow that up!
So is it the lack of sex or the lack of respect that you resent?
The respect is there. He treats me well, helps with the kids, works hard. He just won’t touch me. Has no interest in it anymore.
I think ultimately its not about changing yourself or staying in this relationship. You've got some big decisions to make. Have you spoke to him about it? Does he try and see your point of view? Does he treat you with respect? Does he even try and change? If not, then maybe you seriously need to consider leaving.
I also think its important that you convey your feelings. So many times we just shut off from being rejected, and begin to think that they should be able to read our minds or we'll just stay this way in an unhappy relationship. But communication is the key. Straight, clean cut communication. And if you can lay all that out on the table, and still feel no desire from his side, then it would be time to go. But you at least have to give him sort of time and clear communication before you do.
Also find its super easy to lose ourselves in relationships like this and stop taking care of ourselves, for lack of time or just desire. Start doing something for you.
This is exactly how my relationship went. My now ex husband told me 3 weeks ago he did not see me as a woman when I asked why we are never intimate. He just didn’t feel anything for me. He ended up walking out on our marriage as was not prepared to work on things. Not saying that would happen to you but brutally honesty is needed. If he says he loves you and wants to ignite things between you then that is wonderful. maybe asking him what is needed. More alone time together? Date nights where the anticipation builds? is there something you particularly do that he appreciates and wants more of? eg compliments, gifts whatever it is. If answer to all this is nothing then it may force him to own up to some home truths. No one wants to be in a loveless, non affectionate relationship. Good luck - I hope you get different responses to the questions then I got.
What responses did you get?
I got that he felt nothing for me and not for sometime. That he did not see me as a woman just as my sons mum. Truth is - he was having an emotional affair and that turned into a physical one straight after he told me. I didn’t want to mention it in my original post as it won’t be the same in your case I am confident.
This is exactly what happened to me. I don’t think I could have done anything to change it. I wasn’t over weight, still made effort etc
To be honest, I’ve thought the same thing. What can I change about me?? But at the end of the day when I approached my hubby and said ‘why don’t we do it’ his response was the same as mine. It’s not that we don’t want it, but having to deal with work, kids, money, friendships. Families and everything else that goes on in our lives, sometimes it’s nice to not have to do it as a chore and just go to bed knowing that we’re both still inlove. When we do do it, it’s amazing. Yes we would both like to do it more often, but it falls on both of us to initiate it.
2 and 1/2 years, I asked and he would shut me down. He called me fat and even said if I lost weight he would have sex with me. I left because of domestic violence. Then he met with a woman and had sex with her in a hotel a bunch of time and she messaged me saying she was in love with him and I should back off ect ect. Seriously though I felt so worthless I created a tinder with a fake name and a picture of me to see what others thought and once’s few people showed interest in meeting me I realised he was the problem. I deleted the account because I’m not ready but it helped me understand he’s only ever one persons opinion.
it depends what is important to you and what you need from a relationship. Judging by the fact you asked this question, intimacy is obviously something you need. Have you discussed it. Has he said why he doesn’t want sex? Maybe there’s a medical or emotional reason.
I was you when I was 26. My husband was a good provider and helped in the house but didn’t ever want sex. It didn’t matter what I did to initiate it. Eventually when I asked why, he said he didn’t find me attractive any more. I didn’t know how to fix that so I called it a day and left. I couldn’t live like that anymore. I met a man who, 28 years later, still thinks I’m sexy and attractive even though I’m old and overweight and we have a heathy sex life. I guess you need to decide for yourself once you know his reasons whether you can continue this way.
This happened with my husband a few years ago. I was always whinging about it. Then I got the mirena which killed my sex drive and he’s had a giant boost and wants to have sex all of the time. I now know what it’s like to be on the other side. It’s probably not you and maybe an issue with him. Could you try counselling and have him see a dr. Maybe he’s depressed or his levels are off. Good luck.
I feel like I could have written this!! I'm going through this right now at the age of 29 ... I just want my husband to love me and show me he loves me. I'm now starting to question what is so wrong with me and I know I am ugly and now I'm feeling like I need to change my appearance for him to want me ... I feel like since building our new house and being around younger neighbors he is comparing me to them because they are all attractive and I don't think I can keep living like this it's absolutely heartbreaking and I spend most of my days crying ... I've asked for more and what I can do to make him "like" me more but nothing has changed and I just don't know how much longer I can keep doing this ... I'm so sorry I can't give any advice I just had to comment because I can relate so much 💔
The only thing you should change is your partner! Honestly your only 30, you have most of your adult life in front of you. If he doesn’t want to have sex and there’s no spark then your not in a relationship, you are domestic partners or friends at best. Don’t flog a dead horse, talk to him and if he isnt willing to make big changes suggest separating and focus your energy on yourself. Get out and do the gym or whatever, for YOU. He may realise what he’s missing when you’re not there all the time and feeling good, but if not you have your final answer and will be ready for the next phase of your life. Xo