Hello sisters,
I'm in a pickle and don't know what to do or think.
I married my partner of seven years in January this year. I'm 24 and he is 23 we are currently going through a rough patch. I suffer anxiety stress and depression which I know is a handful. He doesn't help out around the house at all and it's a struggle to get him to help with our two young kids. I'm feeling overwhelmed and stressed with schooling our 5 yr old from home due to covid-19 and with the house work and a 2yr old toddler all I want is my husband to help out even if it's just loading the dishwasher or vacuum the floor just little things. Seriously it's like having a 3rd child and im forever cleaning up after him. But because he isn't helping me when I'm asking I'm lashing out verbally as I'm getting frustrated. He is now saying that he is over the way I talk to him as I don't appreciate what he does which is go to work and earn the dollars. I have spoken to him about me changing my ways and that I need him to change his ways and meet me in the middle but in his eyes there is nothing he can change as he isn't doing anything wrong. And he was even considering ending the marriage. Am I overreacting? I'm at wits end and don't know what to do. I feel if he helps out around the house I will have more time to work on myself and my mental health so therefore I will be happy within myself and a better person. Am I overreacting? Is it all my fault???
Wanting help
Wanting help
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
6 Replies
Girl youre imagining him helping and you being happy. Youre not seeing him saying hes not going to help, he'll drive you up the wall and leave first. Youre not seeing your truth, that youre driven up the wall to the point of being someone you dont want to be instead of leaving the situation.
And i regret using your word, help. Hes not helping you. Hes an adult, hes parenting, organising his home, his children, his life. There is few things more disgusting than a man that will watch his partner suffer under trying to hold everything up, to the point of mental illness, and still sit on his ass thinking its all her job and she just needs to do better. To then turn around and say he will leave, that boy needs a rocket... youre not getting your point across clearly enough and I think he has you so confused and on the defense that youre not sure whats right, but you do know whats wrong and what (who) the problem is.
He's young and immature. It sounds like he doesn't see a problem and therefore won't change.
Explain it to him like this.
You go to work you finish your day and you say you’re done and not helping out around the house. You’re saying the moment you get home your day is done. Ok
However my day starts when our children wake up, my day doesn’t end until I’m in bed. You expect me to look after 2 kids, cook, do laundry, clean and do it all by myself. What if I checked out after an 8 hour shift? My shift isn’t 8 hours long but if I checked out after 8 hours like you do then nothing would get done. I don’t even get paid to do the work of 5-6 people and you’re expecting me to clean up after you too. Aren’t you a grown man? Or did I marry a boy? I’m suffering mentally and I’m currently breaking and you don’t seem to care. I don’t like it when I loose my shit, it honestly upsets me and I’m trying to change it. You however are still happy to clock off and not help me out at all like a 1950’s man. I didn’t marry a 1950’s man and you’re not even from that generation? So please id like you to become a modern man one that doesn’t just click out the moment he comes through the front door. Because my day is longer than yours and currently our lives are unbalanced.
Even though you may not think so, your both very young still. Maybe suggest going to counseling. So he can see your point of view from someone else who isn’t yelling at him. Maybe stop doing things for him? Cooking, cleaning, washing his clothes, picking up after him, making lunch. I know it sounds childish but just tell him sorry, I didn’t have time to do all your chores on top of everything else! He will have to do them! As I said, your still young, your life now is different to when you first were together and it’ll change again in a few years. I was like you. Together from a young age, young family, my husband was just like yours.... but now, over the years he’s learned a lot. My husband does EVERYTHING! Cooks, cleans, I go away for girls weekends, he stays home with the 3 kids.... perfect! Stick with it.... if he’s a good man deep down, you’ll make it work. Xx good luck.
No you are not being unreasonable. It’s not 1950 and even then he lives in the house and made the kids so needs to pitch in when not at work. I bet you don’t clock off at 5pm every day?! Maybe you could get couples counselling so that he can hear it from a third party. He’s lazy and entitled and it needs to stop here. Ask him if the marriage is not worth a bit of effort from him to do his share around the house and spend time looking after his own kids! Also point out of he ends the marriage he will have to do all his own housework as well as go to work and pay child support, and look after kids by himself when he has them! You are both young and I think he has a lot of growing up to do. If he won’t even consider there’s a problem you may be better off showing him the door and then at least you’ll only have 2 kids to look after!