I know the term narcissist gets thrown around a lot these days, but I am married to a toxic narcissist who ticks every single box.
I have no identity anymore, I am not ‘allowed’ to do anything - I can’t go meet friends for lunch because it’s a waste of time, a waste of money, I can’t take time off work (we run a business; he takes off as much time as he wants, I do 80% of the work anyway and he spends nearly all of it, I pay bills and buy essentials he spends thousands a month on himself), if I’m not at work I’m expected to be cleaning something.. it’s a regular term he uses “go clean something”.
I don’t even take my primary school aged kids places often because I get told it’s a waste of time, and the time’s I do go I am in a constant state of anxiety because I know I’ll hear about it.
He doesn’t talk to me, he yells.. even if he IS just talking nicely it’s always in a loud angry voice. I get called an assortment of names daily ranging from Stupid c**t, fat, idiot.. then within 5 minutes he is back to ‘normal’ as if he hadn’t just hurled abuse at me.
I do everything for him, it’s now to a point that if he doesn’t ask me to get up and get him a drink for example, my mind goes into a panic and I think I’m in trouble and I’m getting the silent treatment.
I know it’s so messed up, I know I’m being severely mentally abused, I know that no matter how hard I try to be the best I can for the kids it would be affecting them... I know I need to leave, that’s not really my question... my question is... how do I stop myself feeling guilty for wanting to leave??
I currently bring in the majority of the income with the business, the business is all in his name.
He treats me like garbage but I feel bad at the thought of taking off and leaving him with everything.
If I do leave it will have to be quickly And with not much but the kids and a bag each, I’ve tried leaving before and those are the time’s he gets physical, I had my head smashed into the car window, dragged by my hair back into the house, then my windscreen smashed and phone broken.
He’s not physical regularly (once is too many times I know), but enough to make me fearful for my safety. He’s a big man, over 6ft and double my weight, he regularly threatens me; tells me he will hit me or throws things at me, throws things and furniture. He scares me.
Ofcouse he’s not ALWAYS like this, but he’s messed with my head so much over the last 13 years that him talking to me at all even if it is “you cant do anything right, why am I surrounded by idiots.. what do you want for lunch” he used to “love bomb” me a lot, but with stuff.. he doesn’t tell me he loves me, ever. He also never tells me I look nice or that I’ve done something well... I’ve come to accept that if he hasn’t hurled abuse at me over it then I must have done an ok job.
We do what he wants, watch what he wants, only see his friends and family.
I don’t want to be here. I see such hate in his eyes, they look dead.. there is no emotion.
I don’t know how to not feel bad for leaving him with the expenses of the house, business.. and just ‘running off’.
How did you switch off your emotion and guilt to leaving? I can’t stay like this it’s killing me.
12 Replies
Youre not running off. Youre separating. Why do you keep telling yourself that? You dont even need a reason. One day you will just decide, I wont live like this, so my future is without you. Then you do what you need to do to make your life what you want it, without him.
Get yourself a psychologist because he will absolutely guilt you and make promises and all of it and when your own mind is already telling you youre wrong for leaving, it will be hard not to go back. You need someone to help you with your thinking. Hes a trap. Time with him is damaging you, and its time you could be healing and moving in a new, good direction.
And the part i missed getting to, is that you feel all this guilt but youll be whiplashed by how quickly he moves on. He'll have someone else doing everything under him in no time. Kids, or wedding, or playing families with her kids. They move on very fast. While also still giving you hell. Youll be left with nothing but regret. About how much of yourself you put into the relationship, how much time of your life you gave him, thats wasted, how much energy it took, how much bullshit you believed or put up with, how much effort you put in to keeping it all together, and how much work you still have to put yourself back together and rebuild. The sooner you get out, the sooner your head space is going to change and you can begin the path in the right direction.
Seek professional help immediately! For those of us who have never been in your situation can’t fathom how you’d feel guilty for leaving someone who is abusing you and your children.
One day one of your kids will learn to call you a "stupid c**t" or call their sibling a "fat idiot" or something. Then the guilt of leaving him will be replaced by the guilt of staying in this toxic mess with your kids when you realise that they're learning how to treat people from this monster, and you're showing them that it's ok. If you can't love yourself enough to get past leaving him, then do it for them.
Call 1800 RESPECT, call the cops, start squirrelling some money away. Get some trusted people onside to help you leave him. You know already that leaving is the most dangerous time, so please be safe. But you need to do it. For you. For your kids.
I get it, I really do. The guilt eats you up. The thoughts of how will they survive without me, will they fail, what will their life look like ect. It’s hard. It’s because we have been broken and now have limited thought process about ourselves as an individual person, because for how ever long it’s always been about them. We have to do thing to make them or or at least not make them mad from fear of repercussion. But one day you will wake up or something will happen when you say fuck it, I can’t do this anymore.
If you know he is going to stop you and the kids leaving, you need a plan.
I got the the point where I decided one of us had to die. And it would probably have been me. I considered suicide to get out. But then I couldn’t leave my kids behind to be left with him.
I moved to the other side of the country. Fortunately for me he was too selfish to follow.
You have to get to your point where you need to go. Only you can decide when you’re ready.
Have a plan and take care x
I completely understand what you’re going through and have been there myself. What helped me was looking into trauma bonding and gaining an understanding of why I felt that way because just like you, I knew that it was completely crazy to care for them at all after everything they’d done. It’s a hard road but what I told myself was that at least there will be an end to my suffering if I leave. If I stay, this will go on forever and I cannot begin to tell you how amazing life is after you’re completely free. You just need to stay strong. Every time you have doubt, try to remind yourself instead of why you’re going and that your kids need a happy mum to be happy kids. Trust me, you got this.
Please mumma don't feel any guilt, I can assure you he 100% does t feel any. Don't worry about leaving everything for him to do. Start by reaching out to your family and letting them know your plan. Gather your important documents and photos and post them to that safe spot. Open a bank account and get it also sent to that safe spot. If you can start putting money into that account. Make a plan to call 1800 respect, go and visit your local police station and talking to your dvo liaison officer. They can help you plan to leave and have police on site so you can take what you need. Have a date that you want to leave by and stick to it. Then seek out an dvo/avo to protect yourself and kids. Please don't send your kids to him without a orders in place.
I am 6.5 years free from my abuser whom I was with for 12 years. From age 13 (he was 18) until 25. The guilt and 3 kids is why I stayed but after I left, the guilt faded and was replaced by feelings of freedom. I had to start over with nothing. I got help from a DV place and ended up in a commission house. But, I was 1000000% happier. I have since rebuilt my life and almost finished repaying the debt he forced me into with vehicles and other items he made me buy. I was the only one working. He never worked in our life together longer than maybe 6 months all combined. But you know, he was know all king of everything. I left at 4am when he was drunk. I just got up, chucked the kids in the car, we had one bag combined and I drove 7 hours away cleaning out the bank on my way to get away.
My story is huge, I won't write it all. Take important things such as kids birth certificates, marriage certificate, snacks for the car ride. All your ID, the kids most loved possessions and clothes. Pack what you can and hide it somewhere. If you can't sneak money away from him, or trust someone to transfer money to by bank, open another account he doesn't know about with a complete new bank and transfer literally as you drive away as much as you can. Get help from a domestic violence shelter, because those ladies are amazing and will support you 100%.
Sending you love. Good luck. ❤
Don’t switch off your emotions about leaving. But perceive them differently! Emotions of freedom and safety. Of calm and expectation of a better life in time, for you and most definitely your kids. Protect them from learning that it’s ok to talk to another person like that. You obviously believe you have the better skills to earn money. You will be ok. Think how bad you will feel if you have not left in a month, year or 10 years from now. Don’t waste anymore time. Every second can be a new beginning! Good luck and use all the channels of help available to you. He IS abusing you. Get out. Lots of love and luck!
If you see this comment please send me a private message. I can tell you exactly how to stop feeling guilty and I'd be happy to help you in any way I can, even as far as a place to stay if you're in NSW.
The only guilt you should feel is for letting yourself and your kids live in this environment for one more day. He has conditioned you to feel like this, it’s not real it’s the abuse. Please get out ASAP and never look back. He can lie in the mess he’s made, that his consequence for treating you like this. Please put your kids and yourself first for once and go. Big hugs you can do this x