Firstly i think what everyone feels is sexually appropriate will vary and i respect that.
Secondly i was abused as a child and have previously been in a rather domestic relationship over 5 years ago.
To the point , my boyfriend of 3 years has been making me feel triggered, I'm not sure why. I feel like maybe i am feeling a bit degraded by his behaviours.
The first incident was a week ago, i was at the kitchen, washing the dishes after the children's breakfast, he walks to the panty, and then back stands behind me for a cuddle then pulls my pants back and takes a look at my butt with no real warning and says his just taking a look.
It upset me.
The second was tonight. I was standing up to say goodnight to him going to bed earlier than he was, he stood up to cuddle me good night buts his hand down gives my vagina a little " tickle" and makes a " joke" about getting some of that.
Again i felt degraded , invaded and a little taken back and upset.
His answer what, your my partber, thats what we do, it was a joke. And sort of scofed at my reaction.
I am laying in bed quiet upset. Not really sure why but I just feel like I dunno.
Is this normal, do others find this normal sexual relationship stuff and are ok with it.
I think its gone a step further than a tap on the butt but im not sure whats really triggering me.
I have felt like lately theres been a few things that have upset me, jokes his made, raunchy movies that he once said he wasnt really into .. but is now and i guess peoples needs and interests changes. Sexual jokes hell make about people in the street which i find inappropriate like today we seen rather fit coloured man with a much more petite causation woman and he said they ( work colleagues) and they make jokes about how awkward it would be because she is a mouse implying her petite frame would be taking a thrash. It seems out of character for the person i started dating and doesnt align with me.
10 Replies
You have your own boundaries and need to find someone that works with.
If he respects you, he can hear you and stop what hes doing, regardless of whether its what other couples do. He doesnt need to do it if you dont like it. If he doesnt,then thats your new deal to decide on.
Also, if lots of things have changed then perhaps he was faking it to impress and is now slipping into himself. It happens, all you can do is deal with whats in front of you now.
Maybe he was trying to drop subtle hints with the movies ect that he would like to have more sex. I personally don’t see anything wrong with either of the things he did. But if they offend you so much maybe you should talk to a professional and move past the child hood stuff and your past relationship. I say this as a person who was molested as a child and in a violent relationship for 8 years.
I wouldn’t like it either, if that helps.
That would make me uncomfortable too.
Most important thing is it makes you uncomfortable, he either listens to you and modifies his behaviour, you leave or you wait and see how things progress.
I don’t mind my partner having a grope or checking out my butt or bits. I don’t feel degraded. But this isn’t about me this is about you and how you feel.
Your feelings are valid, but maybe you do need to see a counsellor and work out why it’s triggering you. This is your person and if what he’s doing is upsetting you then something needs to be done about it. Has this changed from how it’s always been or is this new behaviour. My OH and I have sex practically every day. This for us is normal and wanted. We don’t watch movies but he probably would if I was up for it. Work on you and your relationship. As you are going to get many mixed responses.
I haven’t got your past and I find your partners comments and behaviour gross!
I've had to pull my partner up about inappropriate comments and behaviour latrly. Mainly because our kids are getting older and it was usually when they were around. He did get a bit upset and assured me he was completely joking around. And I assured him, i didn't see it as a joke and that I dont really find it okay and that its actually quiet a turn off. He hasn't done it since because he respected my feelings. If you can be completely honest with your partner and him respect you, then your issue will be resolved. If you talk to him about it, and it continues, then I feel the issue is a bit deeper then just a joke.
I feel like my partners "jokes" were mainly to lighten the mood. We're in iso again and the kids are hectic so I guess he thought a few gross jokes would be funny...
U have suffered trauma, and he needs to understand that.sit him down and talk to him.
I would personally love it if I had a partner do that to me...However everyone is different and if you don't like it he needs to respect that.
Does he know the trauma you've gone through because you didn't say in your post.
You need to work through what you're feeling with a professional.
I was abused as a child and suppressed it so much that I almost had no recollection, almost 30 years later im finally working through it. My partner doesn't know the extent but knows something horrendous happened and is respectful and helpful.
As you said what everyone feels is sexy is variant on the person, I would give anything for my partner to "flirt" with me, grab me like he used to, try in the early hours of the morning. I'm sick of being the one to instigate it all i just want to feel wanted.
But in the past (when we first got together) we had discussions about what is allowed eg: feeling each other in their sleep to wake them up for sex. So we know what is OK and what isn't
If he can't respect your boundries and he isn't making you feel safe and respected then maybe re-evaluate whether or not you need this relationship? You don't deserve to settle for someone who can't respect you.
Also just because people are saying it's normal behaviour doesn't mean that it's ok. And honestly it is a form of sexual harrassment. (And yes boyfriends/husband's/partners can sexually harrass you) if you can't sit down at the table and have a clear and open communication conversation about respect and boundries and how what he is doing is not ok and if he can't make active changes to his behaviour then re-evaluate the relationship.