Hi ladies
My partner of 13 years and Dad to our son, has decided he no longer wants to be together. He is confused about things and needs space. This has been an ongoing pattern for the past few years but nothing has ever come of it. This time it's going ahead and he plans to get a caravan to stay in while he works things out. I am heartbroken, gutted, but respect his decision.
Trouble is, this decision was made 2 months ago and he is taking his time to find the 'perfect caravan'. Meanwhile, I'm living in this state of limbo which is causing me so much unhappiness. It is getting to the point where I struggle to get through the day. He seems to be doing fine, and when I have really down days, he tells me to just get on with it. Easier said than done. He isn't the one who feels rejected. He is in total control of this situation. When I look at him, it just reminds me that clearly I'm not good enough and all the horrible things he has said to me comes flooding back (name calling, blaming, labelling, the projection that happens etc.).
We still share the same bed, eat meals together, basically still a couple until he decides to leave.
It is becoming really tough and I don't know what to do. I have asked him to leave since that's what he wanted, but then he guilts me into staying by saying things like - "I can't find a suitable caravan, I can't afford a holiday home, there's no rentals/the process is too hard", and if it were the other way round he wouldn't just kick me out.
For the past maybe 5 months, he hasn't been intimate (affection is on and off but sex is non existant). Recently I found out he has been watching porn a lot, when I'm not home. He knows this doesn't bother me, but it does bother me when he's choosing this over me. I confronted him and he lied about it, seemed defensive and then said 'well you don't make any effort to look after yourself'. I'm a fairly girly-girl. My hair and makeup is always done. Yes I have put on some weight, I'm curvy and soft but not large. I work 4 days a week, I walk/jog 1-2 times a week. I'm seriously sleep deprived from the past 8 years of having a child with sensory processing and sleep issues. I am doing my best given my energy levels and commitments. We met when I was 20 I'm now 33. Bodies change with age and especially after 2 kids. Im not happy with my current weight but it's not that bad either to the point to reject me. He follows a lot of Instagram fitness models so I feel like he always has this comparison in his mind.
This was a huge blow to my esteem and I just can't get over it. I basically interpreted his comment as 'i don't want sex with you because you're gross and not worthy of it - porn is better'.
I dont know if I'm over reacting...
How would you feel and how would you interpret his statement?
That was a few days ago. I can't get past it. I dont want to be around him. I feel offended, uncomfortable and self conscious. Like I'm being judged. How am I supposed to continue living with someone who thinks this low of me?
I love this man, thought we had a future together and I do/did want things to work out but since that comment something inside me has changed. I just can't budge this low feeling. He is happy, goes about his day as usual, very helpful, caring and reliable. Seems like we're still in a relationship minus the affection and intimacy. And add in a few extra arguments. 'Normal' life, convenience for him yet limbo and hurtfulness for me.
I'd love to hear your opinions on the situation and any guidance or advice you might have. I'm really stuck in a rutt.
Thanks for hanging in there for my long winded story xo
15 Replies
You need to stop sleeping in the same bed and letting him lead you on.
I’d be sleeping anywhere else but with him! Kids room, the lounge, anywhere else.
Are you in a rental or is it a home you bought together? Can you go somewhere else?
You have to end this sh*t show before it destroys you. He is playing you and playing games. He is getting his cake and eating it too.
I’m confused about why you’d have sex with him and care about porn when he has broken up with you.
You need to set clear boundaries and stop letting him mess you around.
Thanks for replying. We are in my family's rental. I can't go anywhere as both kids are here along with our pets that I mainly care for.
I'm also confused about why I still want a connection (sex) or why I care about the porn. I guess I'm still coming to terms with things, plus it's so confusing when he says we're still technically 'together' until he leaves and then we'll decide if we're still exclusive while he has his break and sorts himself out. He says that it might not be for long, we might get back together or we might not. He's keeping me hanging by a thread and makes me feel bad when I try and put my foot down and set boundaries. Now that I've typed this, I realise how stupid this all sounds and how much of a mess I am.
You are right though, I need to get better at setting clear boundaries. Thank you for helping me realise this xo
Yep, stop letting him jerk your around. He needs to go, and you need to start considering yourself single rather than waiting for him. This behaviour has been going on for a very long time one way or another and if you wait you will always be living in this limbo.
Hmmm. How would I feel about THAT statement?
I'm over 40. My hair is thinning, I'm over 100kg, i don't wear makeup, my hair is often scruffy, I'm not a girly girl. I'm the one that plays pranks, swears like a sailor and often has hairy legs. My partner is the one person that makes me feel amazing.
That yours has said this to you, without knowing you both - suggests to me that he doesn't love you regardless of how you feel about him.
Mate, you know life is too short for this bullshit.
He can't find the perfect caravan, can't afford a holiday house, renting is too hard...NOT YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM.
How about how hard it is on you? Not even crossed his mind I bet.
Starting today, you set a limit. 4 weeks is being generous since he's already been stalling so long. Starting tonight he sleeps on the couch. Take your power back, he left you and a consequence of that is HAVING TO LEAVE.
I hope he fucks off soon so you can finally start to find a new normal.
Thanks for your reply :)
I love your honesty and firm view on things. I need someone like you to slap some sense into me and my life lol. I will take on your advice starting tonight. I need to try something different because what's happening now just isn't working.
Why are you both still sharing a bed? That's the first issue to go!
Why are you expecting him to want physical stuff with you when he's made his position clear. I'd have even less respect for him if he's was using you physically knowing that you still love him while he doesn't give a hoot. You deserve better
You need to boot him. Cut him off. Start to respect yourself. You deserve better than this guy and you wont heal while hes there so get him out asap, or go away if you can until hes gone.
He is absolutely in control of everything because your allowing him too. Your hurt and somewhat hoping for a reconcile. Nope nope nope. Kick him out of the bed, stop cooking cleaning and caring for him. He goes about happy because your like his puppet being strung along.
Time to step away and make him own his decision, make him do his own things. Including every second weekend he have the kids l, go out find yourself again. Better still kick his arse to the curb if it's your families rental your living in
I bet this guy is really unattractive. Unattractive guys always feel the need to tell women they’re not hot enough. Honestly, he’s a pig, he must leave, now. Who cares if he can’t find the perfect caravan. Not your problem. You’ll do better without him. A weight will lift from your shoulders.
Oh mumma. You sound so down on yourself. First of all the problem is with him and not you. I bet he couldnt pay one of those instagram models to sleep with him. As other have said you need to set boundaries and clearly draw the line on what is acceptable and what isn't. If he wants to treat you like a roommate than it goes both ways. He can sleep in the couch or spare bed until he sorts out his arrangements. He can cook and clean after himself. Before doing anything for him ask yourself if this was a roommate would you be happy doing it for them. If the answer is no then don't do it.
You also need to give yourself some time to adjust and be yourself again. Organise a time that he is looking after the kids and you have time for yourself. Go see a movie or have dinner with the girls. Hell even get yourself all dolled up and go on a date. After all he did want to separate which means you are free to start seeing other people who know your true worth.
If he has a problem with any of that then he needs to re-evaluate his priorities because he either wants you 100% for who you are and is fully committed or the door can hit him on the way out.
Get him out of there.. he must have a friend or something. Not your problem.. just get rid of him! Xx
My husband and I worked opposite hours and hardly saw each other during the week. This created a porn addiction for him and impacted further on our relationship. To the point we had to seek professional help and counselling.
Porn addiction creates huge problems.
It sounds like your relationship is beyond this though. Kick him to the lounge and set timeframes for him to leave. Good luck.
In a nutshell he is being lazy. Pick up his stuff and take his house keys from him and show him the door.
He isn’t your partner anymore. Move him out and start living again.let us know how it goes.
And DONT TAKE HIM BACK WHEN RELATY HITS HIM
As soon as he said those words there were consequences. I’m going through something similar. I went for a big drive and practiced a speech I wanted to give to my now ex. I never said it to him but it helped me say out loud to myself why I would not put up with the shit I was being served. I’m struggling with self worth and self esteem. I’m worried for you that while he is there and you are talking and acting as a couple that it will take away your mental strength to cope with what comes next. I feel like you need to be in a position of self love and self respect to show him the door and take your control back. This is unfair on you and you do not deserve it.