My partner and I have been together for a number of years, when things are great they’re fantastic. We have such fun, many laughs and chemistry I’ve never had before BUT his expectations of me are so high. If I step one foot out of line, in the likes of having a bad day or raising a topic he doesn’t like his behaviour is extreme. In the past he has lied constantly and cheated on me, this is something we’ve tried to overcome and so frequently he’s told me I need to get over the past, which I agree I do, however his constant behaviour does not give me the tools to move forward. Any sign of an argument/disagreement, he ups and leaves and won’t talk to me for days, He holds on to anger over something so minor. During this time he goes to dating sites or finds girls to have an emotional connection with, it’s an obsession. When he calms down he comes back and says he only did that to take his mind off us, or because he was angry and this is his way of justifying his behaviour. I have tried to explain to him that him doing this only creates more doubt for me and it makes me feel worthless and makes me feel he has more desire and respect for other women than myself - but in his mind there was no physical contact so he’s done nothing wrong and says we were broken up. It’s like he blows up to give him an excuse to get attention from others, which I don’t understand as he has all the attention from me. He has no emotional intelligence and always needs to have a girl in his life. I am a good partner, I cook, clean and am always the one he comes to when he needs advice or has issues. I have helped him so much over the years in many aspects, it’s become an expectation rather than an appreciation. His childhood was not the average childhood and he has never had someone stand by his side or any real close relationships, including family. He was abandoned as a baby and I know this is something he struggles to deal with. I want to help him but I don’t know how to anymore as every single situation is my fault and if I didn’t do what I did or say what I did he wouldn’t of done what he did. I’m not a perfect person and cannot be happy go lucky 365 days in a year. He doesn’t understand that relationships aren’t always perfect but a relationship means you work through your issues not run away. Is his behaviour associated to personality disorder or is he simply a narcissist?
15 Replies
Who cares if he does? He’s treating you like a piece of crap, walk away and if he wants to fix himself he will, this isn’t yours to fix.
Read what you wrote back and pretend it was written by someone else. Would your advice be to leave that piece of crap? You are allowing him to treat you like this and it won’t stop.
Honestly he sounds narcissist and controlling. While you love him and you’re seemingly happy to change yourself what’s he doing to change himself?
None of his behaviour is okay and ignoring you for days at a time after a fight is one of the most painful and confusing things anyone can do to someone (I know cause my partner does this when he fight and I’m looking at safe ways to leave now).
A crappy childhood and being let down by people is absolutely no excuse to treat someone else like shit. My mum kicked me out at 15 sent me to a refuge after my stepfather smashed my head open and I put a protection order on myself (that’s not everything either) and if I learnt anything during my childhood it’s how not to treat people! While certain childhood experiences can mould a person and future behaviour as an adult we have a choice as to whether we wish to carry this behaviour on towards new people in our lives. Sorry but it sounds like he’s just being a jerk and you’re better off with someone that loves and appreciate your good and kind heart
Thanks so much for your kind words. I’m so saddened to hear what you went through and what you’re going through now. You sound like such a positive, lovely person - thank you. I hope you can find your happiness too xx
Honestly - I’d say to him the next time you leave mean it leave. Stop being his punching bag! Life’s too short!
You are not his rehab!! Personality disorder or just plain selfish arsehole.
He obviously doesn't love u at all to go and seek other women when u have a fight! What a scumbag!! Pack ur stuff and run and for ur sake i hope u dont have kids with him!
I'm not gonna sit here and diagnose him because yeah, sounds like he's certainly got some psychological stuff he needs to get on top of.
Plain fact of the matter is that his behavior towards you is emotionally abusive and completely disrespectful so whether it stems from narcissism or a personality disorder is kind of beside the point.
Why are ypu still there ?
Yep. It’s called being an arsehat syndrome. There is no cure.
At the end of it, the diagnosis makea no difference. The effects on you will be what youre left to fix. Look up codependency and look at yourself. What are you getting out of wanting to be understanding and loyal through this. Is there another way to see it?
How can people be so blind?
I can’t believe anyone would live like this.
Personality disorders are extremely challenging to diagnose and require long term assessment by a specialist. They also don't have a quick fix. Ignore diagnosis and decide if you like your life and change it if you don't.
Doesn't sound like a personality disorder. Sounds like he behaves like a toddler when things don't go his way and uses his past as an excuse to not hold himself to a decent standard.
And has no intention of ever doing so.
Stay and this is your past, your present and your future.
Firstly can I ask why you allow him to treat you this way.? why are you putting up with it.? Secondly you are better than this, better than him. He is a narcissit. Let go of him! You don’t need to answer to him. He doesn’t own you and stop allowing him to control you. You get one life, it’s precious and you are living it the way someone else wants you to. Get rid of him. Stop doing anything for him. He is a pig and doesn’t deserve it. He would be constantly cheating on you and you are allowing him to treat you this way. Get rid of him and block him off! Start thinking of you and what you deserve. Why spend your one life with a scumbag. Go be free and happy. Stuff worrying what he thinks, he’s a pig!
Ugh. Yuk. That’s not a relationship. Just leave 🤦🏻♀️ You don’t need to put up with that shit. How exhausting.