So after a disagreement tonight I feel like maybe I am in the wrong.
I always wanted to get married, a small intimate wedding, it was always important to me. I refused to marry my first partner because he was a violent drunk. We seperate and a few years later I started dating again. Found an amazing man, loving, kind, all the things you want in a husband. His first relationship didn’t work out either, he is divorced. Now that wasn’t and still isn’t an issue with me. I mean shit happens right. Well he has been speaking about marriage for the past few months, but my desire to actually get married isn’t there anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I love and adore him, we have children and a life together. But marriage seems pointless now. We have everything that a married couple has but without the expensive piece of paper. To me marriage is a once in a life time event (no matter how big or small). He has already had that, so now to me it seems pointless. I have tried to explain it to him but he takes it the wrong way, like I’m refusing to marry him because he had a life before me.
25 Replies
I think you may be thinking that marriage is a once in a life time event for a couple... Not for individual people. You haven't had it before and I think because he has, that idea has been tainted for you.
Yes you may have everything together and it is like you are married, but marriage isn't just a piece of paper for some people. Marriage isnt about one day, the wedding is. If you don't want to get married that's absolutely fine. However I wouldn't say that marriage is pointless at this stage of your life just because you have kids etc, maybe your partner wants to marry you because he wants that commitment with you.
We are committed though. Maybe it has tainted it a little for me now. I just don’t see the point when one person has already done it. A marriage is a once off. For ever and always? Why bother if someone else has already been his forever and always
Nothing is forever, everyone has a past and I think you need to get out of your own way.
Think of it like any legal contract. So just bcoz you, or someone else, take out a contract of other types once before, you, or they , should never do so again?
You don't have to marry of course, but i think you are seeing the whole process in a clouded way. Anything void can be done again fresh and new.
How else can he take it?
He’s been married before so you wont marry him.
If he had never been married, you would do it right?
It sounds like you’ve spit the dummy, if I’m not your first wife, we’re not doing it.
If you think marriage is just a piece of paper, then don’t do it because to many, it’s so much more.
Marriage was always my dream. Not the wedding, to actually be someone’s wife. But that kind of commitment loses its meaning when it’s done for a second time. Marriage is meant to be forever. Nobody wants to be someone’s second wife.
You need some counselling.
"Nobody wants to be someone's second wife" wow. WOW. We all have a past. Nothing is forever. So what happens if your partner and your split up or something happens to him? What, you'll stay single forever? 🤷♀️
I've had a few partners in my life. My husband was married before and even had kids. We've been together 12 years, married for 10. Our marriage is amazing and strong.
Also, you don't need to be someone's wife. It's not a need at all. It's a partnership. You are your own individual. You don't belong to anyone, but yourself.
Get some counseling because it just doesn't feel or read right.
I’m happy being in a solid happy relationship that works really well. We are best friends, partners, parents. I just don’t want to get married
No you want to be married, just not to him and your excuse is actually attacking towards him having a divorce under his belt and I wonder how intentionally hurtful it is.
Ah I just read on, so it is all you have left to let him know youre not happy. Try letting him know the hurt it would cause you from the comparisons and comments you would receive, and see if he starts sorting that issue out.
Oh please. Were you a virgin before meeting your partner? What's the difference? How would you feel if he said he didn't want to have sex with you because he wasn't the first. This is ridiculous honestly. Don't want to get married because he's done it before, wow.
Which is fine, but what you are saying and how it no doubt sounds to him, is exactly how he’s taking it.
You need some counselling.
I genuinely believe marriage isn’t important. So I wouldn’t bother getting married. But you have some issues going on and you seem to be incredibly hung up on not being his first.
You are definitely judging him for getting married before. So what if he got a divorce because she pretended to be someone she wasn’t? It happens, or they got married when they were young and naive? What if she cheated on him?
If I believed in marriage, being a second wife would not stop me from marrying a truly awesome guy. In fact, i would marry a truly awesome guy even though I don’t see the point just to keep him happy, and because I truly loved him and it was important to him.
Do you actually love him?
She had a long time affair. I knew them both before we dated (small town) I get compared to her in everything I do. What I wear, how I act, how I parent, every fucking thing. From his family, children, friends. It feels like it would be one more thing I would be judged for and run down for. I love this man to the ends of the earth, he is amazing and about as perfect as a person/ partner can be. I know it comes off as pathetic (as so many have pointed out) but being run down by everybody on your partners side because they all adored her, she can do no wrong. even her having an affair somehow isn’t her fault.
But I have taken on everything everybody has posted, not matter how harsh. And I am obviously in the wrong (add it to the list😂)
You know what, if he wants to get married he needs to tell his family and friends to shut the f@ck up and stop comparing you to his ex!
I don’t think your guy is that great if he isn’t putting a stop to the sh*t.
I bet if he manned up and did that, you’d want to marry him.
So I change my opinion. This is a much deeper issue, than being a second wife. This is an issue that he has failed to put people around you both in there places.
^^this. My husband would never, ever let his family run me down. Ever. Nor would I ever take it. Getting married is one thing, but being a partnership, you have to work together and he has to be on your side.
Maybe, just a suggestion you change your way of thinking in that whilst you may not be his first wife, you will be his last 🤷♀️ which to me would be more important. You will be his last love.
My partner and I have been together for almost 15 years, 3 kids, a house, all the "married" stuff just not the legalities.
Marriage has never been important to either of us, we're 'engaged' really only to appease our families and because I love jewellery 🤣
I can empathise with your husband though, I don't think there's a way he can interpret what you're putting forward without taking it personally.
I mean, put it in reverse for a sec - imagine you had married your violent ex, you then moved on and got with your current partner, had a few kids and really just wanted to unite your family in marriage but he said no because you'd basically already had your "once in a lifetime moment" with your ex.
I know that would make me feel completely unworthy and almost as if I were being punished for past choices that I can't go back in time to change.
I know there's some in laws shit going on as well, that probably needs to be addressed before any kind of marriage/wedding talk because I feel like that's probably another aspect that's piling on the "cons" side of it for you.
I think out of respect for your partner, instead of shutting him down completely you could just say something like "right now, I'm not ready. Can we re visit the idea 6, 12 18 months down the track?".
I think its fine if you dont find marriage important. But you did... and now your thoughts have changed because he has been married before... so i think you need to dig deeper as to why that changed your thoughts.
It doesn't have to be a discussion of topic where you keep hurting his feelings over and over though. If this were my relationship and I'd had a change of tune. I'd be honoured that he keeps talking about marriage with me. And talk about the financial aspects and how its not overly important to rush into getting married for you. Id never specifically say that because he has been married before, its not an interest to you anymore. So hopefully you haven't said that to his face.
I kind of see your point and I don't think it is a reflection on your relationship. I'm happily married 10 years this year. But if my husband died and I fell deeply in love with someone else who was an awesome fit, I'd be defacto. I've also lived in small towns and if I was going to be the 2nd wife in the environment you're describing, I think I'd feel more grounded in my relationship as a really strong defacto couple to be honest. I'd probably be more swayed to marry for the legal benefits or after enough years (like 10) that no-one thought to compare me to the ex anymore.
I have just had a read over your replies to some of the responses and it actually seems the real issue is that you have insecuritues regarding your partner getting married to another women in his previous life. I think you should get some counselling because it seems you look at your partner as tainted without even realising it. Yes, he swore vows to another women however that did not work out and you were lucky enough to meet him. So if he wants to marry you maybe the issue isnt him its actually you punishing him for a previous mistake that didnt even involve you.
This may trigger you but you are being childish if your only reason for not marrying this man is because you wernt the first women.
If it isn’t important to you but it is to him, then why not do it? If your resistance is because you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with him, or you strongly object to the concept of marriage etc. then you should absolutely stand your ground. But it seems like you just don’t really think it matters so you think he shouldn’t care either.
It matters because it is important to your partner. That’s it. Pick your battles, if marriage is irrelevant to you, but is clearly important to him, then do what is important. Respecting things that are important to your partner is the point. Dismissing them for no reason, other than you just don’t think it matters, is hurtful and damaging.
Also, marriage isn’t just a bit of paper. Hubby and I married 9 years into our relationship. And it evolved our relationship, something about being married is different, it’s hard to explain. We’ve been married 10 years now and I wouldn’t change it. Your partner knows what that is like, and he wants that with you. He wants to formalise your partnership. If you want to spend the rest of your life with him, it’s pretty hard to think of any reason why you’d say no?
I just want to say I could have written this myself.
For me it’s the fact I feel like the day is tainted and that it won’t be as special for him because he has done it before.
After many arguements about it he explained to me that because he’s done it before and it’s failed (epically) it’s even more special to him because he understands it now. First time round for him (looking back in hindsight) was it was just what was next to come.
We are engaged. Covid threw our plans out (meant to get married next year) and I understand now what he means.
Just trying to offer a different perspective-because I 110% understand where you are coming from because I could have written this myself 2 years ago!
I understand it’s hard to accept and wrap your head around the fact that he loved someone so much he exchanged vows with her, but maybe he was like my fiancé - he thought this was how life was meant to go, it was just the next phase that everyone else was going through and it wasn’t how we perceive it because we haven’t done it. I think we see it differently to someone who’s been divorced.
It took me a long long time to accept that, but I did.
Xx
My husband felt the same as you, but knew it was important to me so he asked me to marry him as he wanted to be with me forever and wanted me to be happy. If you want to be with him regardless, why wouldn’t you want to make him happy?
So your husband did something for you that he 100% did not want to do, because that’s what you wanted? Now if that is going to cause issues in the long run and probably end in divorce. You can’t force someone to marry you, no matter how much they do it to please you, it will end in resentment. It’s like people go through with it just to stop their partner complaining and being annoying about the topic