Hi all, i often read various posts and find the different opinions and viewpoints really interesting so thought you might be able to help me get some perspective... I recently found out my best friend was cheating on her husband. The situation exploded but they are now working on getting their marriage back on track. But i've found that as much as i want to be a good friend,my view of her is tainted. Am i wrong to feel like this? Can you cheat on your husband but still be a good person? Is cheating between the husband and wife and not something i have a right to have an opinion on since it didnt directly involve me? Genuinely interested to hear people's views.
14 Replies
Yes i think its normal to see the character flaws that led to it happening. I guess it comes down to how long you've know her and how well she treats your friendship. You don't have to agree with everything she's ever done to be her friend. I know I wouldnt have the energy to stay close to a serial cheater, a one off, Im not sure but we all draw our own lines.
Yes, when someone cheats that doesn’t make them a terrible person all around. Cheating is terrible, but does that wipe out all of the persons good points, no.
There is also a big difference between cheating once and cheating over and over again.
There is no such thing as a person who has never done anything wrong in there entire lives.
I would have trouble being friends with someone that I know is currently continuing to cheat, because keeping the secret would make me extremely uncomfortable, and they are making an I going decision to do the wrong thing.
I listened to a podcast by Esther Perel a while ago about cheating. I can't remember what it was called exactly but it was certainly interesting and opened my perspective on cheating.
By no means is it ever okay. And in most cases, I think the relationship is irreparable. But it doesn't make her a bad person or a bad friend. It means she's got a lot going on, that she probably has some deep mental health issues going on and that her relationship (with her husband and herself) probably isn't the way it seems on the outside.
It doesn’t make her a bad person. It just means your morals don’t align and maybe that isn’t the type of friend you want to surround you with. I have ended a friendship because of cheating, I just didn’t want that type of betrayal in our friendship and I didn’t think she’d be someone I could trust honestly.
To be quite simplistic about it:
Good people can and do make bad choices.
Cheating is a bad choice, that goes without saying but it is usually a very complex series of events or thoughts that lead person to that choice and I think we should refrain from judging or condemning someone if we haven't walked in their shoes.
I personally could stand by a close friend whilst simultaneously disagreeing with their choice. My moral compass and my love and support for a friend don't have to be mutually exclusive.
Love this and agree! My girlfriend cheated on her partner - I still love her and would walk on fire for her! None of us know everything that happens behind closed doors. It’s not my place to judge.
My best friend cheated on her husband. They tried to repair the marriage but it didn't work. Through the messy separation, she made him the bad guy to justify her decision. I really struggled to be her friend for about 12 months because my morals didn't align with her behaviour
Cheater here. Yes we can be good people and yes we can change. Who I once was making mistakes doesn’t determine who I am forever. People change when they want to
My best friend always hooks up with other men. Her partner has no idea.
However she is MY best friend and what she does is none of my business . It's on her to tell him herself someday. If ever.
She's still my best friend. Issues aside, it isn't my business
My bestie cheated on her husband twice. It was very hard for me to understand what she did as my morals and beliefs are different. She was honest with her husband they separated for awhile and put in the hard work to make their marriage work. It definitely put a massive strain on our friendship. I told her that it was her life and that I love her but I was also honest with my feelings and told her how I felt and reassured her I’m still there for her. 4 years later and it’s like it never happened.
My bestie cheated on her husband twice. It was very hard for me to understand what she did as my morals and beliefs are different. She was honest with her husband they separated for awhile and put in the hard work to make their marriage work. It definitely put a massive strain on our friendship. I told her that it was her life and that I love her but I was also honest with my feelings and told her how I felt and reassured her I’m still there for her. 4 years later and it’s like it never happened.
I totally understand where you are coming from, cheating is immoral and offensive to your own value system and would make you see your friend in a different light. Add in that she obviously didn't let you in on the secret and it would be normal to feel a betrayal of your friendship that she didn't trust you with the info. I dont think it automatically makes her a bad person but when your view someone one way for a long time and then they show that they can be deceptive in this way it's is a blow to your perception of a person. All these people telling you you are insensitive and not supportive of your friend would likely feel a bit put out in the same situation. At the same time it's up to the couple to sort it out between them and you need to take a big step back. Try and be there for your friend if you can and leave the rest up to them.
Yes. It is possible to cheat and still be a good person. There is always a reason for cheating and no-one else knows other than the person or couples themselves.
I've been the cheater in the past and it was the best decision I made. Whilst my marriage did end over it, it was my chance to be me again and showed me what I was missing out on.
I am now married with a child to another guy and he knows my past but does not judge me for it and understands it happened for a reason. I have had no reason to repeat the cheating behaviours
I never ever thought i would cheat.
However I did have an affair when i was with my ex husband.
I had been made to feel unattractive, worthless, and only useful for keeping our home and looking after our children.
I was taken a back when someone found me attractive.
People dont have affairs for no reason. I have lost many friends. If you judge her, you will lose your friendship. She will already be feeling shitty about herself, she will distance herself from any external judgment.