I have 16, 13 and 9 yr old girls. I have been a strict mum due to the childhood I had. I just found out the 16 and 13 yr old are to scared to tell me things because they feel I overreact. My 16 lied to me about staying at her friends house and stayed at her boyfriend and went to doctors and got the pill. My 13yr old has a boyfriend and has sent photos to him in her bra. They told my mum and sister which they never told me. I feel that my mum and sister should have told me. They said the didnt tell me as didn't want to break their trust. What's everyone thoughts on this.
19 Replies
Yes they should have told you. But, heres a lesson in 2 way communication as your kids grow i n to adults. You want to be the one they can come to, they won't do that if you fly off the handle. It doesnt mean there's never any repercussions, but it has to be that you talk them through it, dont berate and punish. Take this opportunity now to open communication with each of your kids. Show them now and theyll come to you next time.
I would be more concerned about the fact that your children can’t talk to you about about important things because you react in such an angry way. It’s a good thing that they both have people in their lives that they feel comfortable and safe talking too. I would suggest making an appointment for yourself and working through what ever issues you have that make you an unapproachable person
I would be happy my children had people they trusted to confide in. I also trust my mum and sister to react and support them in away appropriate to the situation. It takes a village. You can’t be across everything and control all the moving parts. You should be proud that your children sought advice or counsel from adults. Imagine if they didn’t through fear...
Your role as a parent changes and grows. You are entering the stage where communication will be the key to moving forward. I'm glad your kids have someone in their lives that they can talk to. Well done to your 16yo for going to the GP and getting the pill. I assume she has her own Medicare card so is well within her rights to do this.
Trust me... Been there done that. Have 2 in their 20s 😂 and a 16yo (with 2 more to go!!). You have to be open. They need to trust you. You want to be the person they call when they are at a party, have had a few drinks and don't feel safe. You want to the person they call to talk about their relationships. You want me to able to sit down on the couch with your 13yo and discuss appropriate relationship boundaries and sending photos to other ppl.
They are not little kids anymore. The hardest part is to transition from.telling them what to do, to being there to listen and not judge.
You reap what you sow. And from a child who had parents just like you who now has nothing to do with them I would get yourself some help because once they all become adults they will exclude you from their lives permanently.
100% agree with this.
I couldn't tell my mum anything as a teen without fear of her losing it or lecturing me.
Our relationship now would be described as acquaintances at best, we have no connection or bond whatsoever.
If my nieces or nephews confided in me about matters like this, I'd keep it to myself out of respect for them and to foster a trusting relationship.
Same relationship here. You need to connect now or theyll grow away from you and that connection really cant be made later if they grow up without it.
I hear ya. My mum was still lecturing me up until 13 years ago. At 37 I decided enough was enough so I asked her to leave and we haven't spoken since. I have a 17 year old son (only child) who talks to me about everything and we have an amazing relationship. It upsets me that I was never given the opportunity to have the same kind of relationship with my mum as a teenager.
Your mum and sister probably did the right thing in a way, it keeps the trust between your kids and an adult. And ultimately, they should be adults that have your kids best interest at heart. Had it been a bigger issue, i feel your sister or mum probably would have told you. But being this, probably felt it was best to just keep that trust for the girls to come back to for even bigger things. Still sucky but the positives outweigh.
I'd really work on the trust your girls have with you. You can even explain, exactly why you're protective. Tell them your childhood. Tell them how it made you fee and why it now makes you the mum you are. Explain that being this way probably makes them scared to te you things but that you only want the best for that. That this is a learning curb for you just as much as them, and that you're willing to work at being morr accepting and encouraging them to talk tk yiu more without reacting in a negative way. Let yiur kids know you aren't perfect either and that you've got things to work on too.
Your mother and sister did the right thing, god forbid your kids get into some sort of trouble/ uncomfortable situation they have someone they can trust. If they had broken that trust and told you then if or when something does happen they wont have anyone to help them because that trust will be broken and they obvisiously cannot talk to you. Maybe you need to look within you and start building a relationship with your kids so you are the first they come to
This is a really good opportunity to have a big heart to heart with your girls. Tell them you want to know things. Tell them if you respond emotionally it's love causing you to do so, but you don't want that to mean you don't know. Congratulate them for going to an adult they trust. Let them know it's ok for them to do that, but ask what they need from you to increase the chances of the adult they talk to being you. Maybe have a way of approaching tough situations. I.e. mum, can we talk quietly please? Quiet being a kinder word for calmly.
Rather than get angry, use phrases like when you do x, I worry about y, and that makes me feel z. I.e when you send photos to a boy, I worry about how you will feel if you break up and he shares them, or someone else sees them by accident and they share them. It makes me scared that I wouldn't be able to protect you or make it better. Ask her to think about that and maybe do something nice together and pick the conversation up later that day. You can't undo what is done, but you can empower her to decide not to send more exposing photos in the future.
Same with your eldest. Acknowledge you don't like her sleeping with her boyfriend at 16, but congratulate her for being safe, check she is also using a condom to protect against STIs, explain you want to know where she is for safety. Focus on her protecting her heart and make sure she is ready for this step in her view. You may not agree, butyou can't stop it either way. And I say this knowing I would feel sick about both of these scenarios and my immediate reaction would be anger too... But you need to reign it in.
Finally, you can't get angry at your mum and sister. You can express your hurt, but if you react so strongly your girls don't talk to you or them, you may find things spiral. They might go down a path one day and be too far down that path before you are aware and it's too late to help.
Good luck.
I think this speaks volumes about you as a person, not only do the kids not tell you but also the adults who are aware. Your 16yo is sexually active and being responsible getting the pill but somehow feels she can’t tell you. And your 13yo has been essentially sexting and you’re unaware. You need to question why your kids can’t confide in you and maybe question your parenting and reactions.
I have a family member who tells me everything, sometimes things that I can keep to myself and others I can’t. I will screenshot our conversations and let her parents know what’s happened and they can chat to her about things in general and slip it in.
As close as I was to my mum I kept things from her. She would over react and tell everyone. I left home as soon as I could to escape and keep a relationship. I was not like that with my kids and they tell me everything about their lives. They range from late 20’s to late teens. We can still talk openly about everything.
Going to someone else and not you speaks volumes.
As close as I was to my mum I kept things from her. She would over react and tell everyone. I left home as soon as I could to escape and keep a relationship. I was not like that with my kids and they tell me everything about their lives. They range from late 20’s to late teens. We can still talk openly about everything.
Going to someone else and not you speaks volumes.
I feel if you overreact and they are afraid to go to you, then yes its good they didn't break their trust and with hope they gave them good guidance about why their choices were not the best and how to fix.
Honestly I wouldn’t tell you either.. if I had the opinion that you would go mad.
My 12 year old daughter and I are very close.. she tells me everything and anything.
I’ve always said to my kids if you tell the truth you won’t get into trouble.
I’m much more relaxed then my husband is and my kids will always hide things from him.
They have much more respect for me then they do my husband.
You make your own decision.. You choose the Mum you want to be.
You can break cycles.
In all honesty from a child who was in the same position as your own. I absolutely would not tell you anything either. If I was you I'd be trying to change the relationship you have with your children before you don't have them.
And don't be surprised if they now don't confide in anyone because the minute your mum and sister told you that's a break of trust.
Toxic all the way around. Open up the communication lines and encourage this thing they call open communication.
IMO a few of the comments are quite harsh I’m 27 with an 8 year old and I would go to my best friends parents before my own and I had a great relationship with my parents. Some things aren’t always comfortable with your parents I love and loved my mum but certain topics I didn’t feel I wanted her opinion on (nothing to do with trust or my relationship with her). Miss 8yo I already have my best friends as her “auntie” and my mum I know she goes to sometimes over me and expect it many more times to come unless it’s something big I don’t mind them not telling me it’s between them and her. The getting the pill would be something I’d like to hear of that is big and would annoy me if they kept it. But if they’ve told me and went through all the information with little miss and she’s safe and has someone to talk to that’s all that matters.
I understand your desire to keep them safe. In my experience being super strict with teens result in them doing what they like anyway, but keeping it from you, which ultimately means they are less safe.
If they are moving about in the world and making decisions without a trusted adult it’s a bit scary, so it actually awesome that they have loved ones in their lives who they do feel comfortable confiding in. It’s an extra level of security for them, someone knows where they are and that they’re safe. If they’re in trouble and too nervous to call you, they are not alone, they have back up adults. If your fam break that confidence, they won’t confide in them, and they lose that safety net.
If I were in your shoes, I would redirect your concerns from why your fam kept your daughter’s information confidential, to why your daughter felt you weren’t an option to confide in. You have the opportunity to have some open conversations and negotiate with your teen. Perhaps greater freedom, understanding, and trust in exchange for honesty.