My partner and I have been together for 10 year with 3 kids and I’m also pregnant with no. 4
Back story, we both used to smoke with him giving up 2 years and I gave up 12 months ago.
For the past 3 or 4 months when he come home from work I can smell cigarettes smoke on him and I ask him why can I smell it? And he always had a excuse.. my boss was smoking or I was in the car with someone smoking.
He would right at me and lie straight to my face that he was definitely not smoking.
I have always prided my relationship on how great it was because we were always honest with each other.
Now my main problem is that the fact he lied to me and make me feel absolutely idiot for believing him. After all he has never lied to me in the past.
I can’t help but think that if he can lie about something I would understand then what else is he or can he lie about.
(meaning that if he come home and told me the day it first had a smoke again I would disappointed but at least we could talk about it)
Am I over reacting?
5 Replies
Nah, I’d be pissed too. It’s not the smoking it’s the lie.
Although if it was my partner that lie wouldn’t have worked. Unless you and your partner socialise and work with a randomly high number of smokers this lie would have collapsed quickly. I literally can name three people who smoke (because numbers have plummeted). This is something I would have questioned anyone on, because his boss should have been smoking outside and generally I don’t smell of smoke from someone outside unless I’ve been rubbing up against them (haha) and most people don’t smoke in cars anymore, so I would have thought that was odd too.
Not blaming you, just saying I would find it odd and there would have been questions in my specific situation.
I think you're overreacting, yes. He has an addiction.
Maybe question why he felt the need to lie to you? Was it because you were always putting him on the spot? Do you make him feel less worthy because he smokes? Is he afraid of admitting the truth to you because he will let you down?
My brother is a tradie, he doesn't smoke but after a long day at work being amongst his buddies who do smoke, I can smell a hint of cigarette on him.
I've also been in a friend of mine's car, she's a heavy smoker and smokes in the car. After getting out of her car, I had to strip my clothes and shower because I smelt like an ash tray to the point it nearly turned my stomach.
So his story may be unlikely but it is also feasible, so...
I am also an ex smoker, I fell off the wagon a couple of times. It's actually really hard to tell someone "hey, so I started smoking again". I feared the disapproval, the lectures, my family's concern, the embarrassment, the judgement. I also wasn't entirely ready to try and quit again and I knew I'd be pushed into it if I was transparent about slipping back into old habits.
I'm not at all condoning dishonesty but I'm just saying that I can sympathise with his position if he has started smoking again.
If I were in your position, I'd try being honest and straight forward too.
"I suspect you may have started smoking again because I can often smell smoke on you. I feel like the explanations that you're giving me for that aren't truthful and that makes me feel stupid. I don't really care if you have started smoking again, we can work on that when you're ready. I just want you to be honest with me".
Hes doing you a favour, and himself a favour because he doesnt want to have that calm conversation about it. He just wants to smoke. But on the posiitve, if he thibks you dont know, he cant do it around you so it cuts down so many times he would go for a quick one. Itll help keep him cut down at least. Whereas if you know, then it becomes you nagging.
I do agree though with the idea of deceiving or not, thats a tricky one. For me, smoking is very different to cheating, i guess after 10 years 2 people are going to differ on things, and make their own choices, maybe this is a time you can reset the expectation - are we keeping the peace on the small things or are we completely open book people, regardless of how small.
It’s hard to disappoint the people we love.
Would he be pissy if you lied to him about smoking? Maybe he actually enjoyed smoking in the first place? It sounds like he’s ashamed that he’s relapsed 😥 in the bigger picture of your relationship this is just a drop in the sea ❤️