Hopefully this won't be too long winded, I'll try to stick to the basics and keep it simple.
My ex currently has and has had sole responsibility of our daughter for 4 years now. At the time, I was alone, no family, I was broke. He and his family threatened me constantly with court actions and lawyers etc and I agreed to this arrangement based on their opinion that she would be better off basically because they had the money to raise her properly and send her to a private school etc. The promise was always that once I got myself into a suitable position we would ease into equal care and responsibility. (Please don't comment on this, I made my bed and am sleeping in it)
3 years ago I worked up the courage and money to see a lawyer. And it's been a mentally exhausting fight ever since. I'm so sick of the bickering! We ended up coming to an agreement which we are currently adhering to. She lives with her dad and spends time with me as agreed between both parties. She is with me 4 nights a fortnight and we share her week on/off during holidays. We have had this arrangement for 2 years now.
I recently approached my lawyer again in the hopes that we could work towards more days with myself AND equal responsibility.
His simple answer is just no. And neither me or my lawyer can understand why. She is pushing for me to take this to court, but I'm scared of the costs and also my mental health state trying to deal with all of that.
I will also just add that my husband and I are quite comfortable now financially, have a stable living environment etc we dont do drugs or anything that would concern anyone about us having children.
His current argument is that she is too unsettled with me. Will often tell them that she doesn't want to come to me etc. However when she's with me everything seems fine. My daughter and I have a great relationship and talk openly about almost anything.
My main concern is that a day or two leading up to my time with her, they will sit her down and explain to her that if she wants to go back to them early, she can. And that they will plan fun activities if she chooses to go back earlier. I feel like this is encouraging her to not want to be with me! Wether they do it on purpose or not I have no idea.
I've also had the issue of my daughter telling me that her dad and his partner don't like me, for different reasons. That she's heard them talk about me etc. And sometimes she can get really nasty towards me with comments about how I do things differently to them.
I'm just honestly at a loss. I'm not sure what to do. Do I wait and keep trying to sort this out with them directly? Or do I bite the bullet and file an application with the court?
It's also been 4 weeks since our last letter, and he hasn't responded. My lawyer will be sending a second follow up letter this week.
Hopefully that all makes sense! There's obviously a lot of back story missing and a few arguments here and there I've left out. This is our current situation today and that is what I'm trying to deal with.
Thank you in advance for any honest advice x
6 Replies
I kind of feel like you said it yourself - you made your bed and this is you lying in it. Rightly or wrongly this little girl is likely settled with the current arrangement - now that your ready things aren’t as simple as completely changing her life again.
What a terrible comment. Have you even read it? This Mum has been trying for 3 years to get back into her daughter's life.
Yes I did read it. And I feel for her. She has been taken advantage of by some pretty nasty people but it doesn’t change the fact that courts will be expensive and probably judge unfavourably given the long length of time the child has been in primary custody of her ex.
They took advantage of your vulnerability at the time of break up and went for the kill. They sound horrible to deal with, like they are power tripping. Please go through with court and try everything to get your responsibility back. You can do this. You made a massive mistake but your daughter deserves to have both parents in her life. Look into Parental Alienation if you haven't already, "prepping" kids is common so is planning activities when she is meant to be in your care. Good luck!
I think you should just leave it as is. You left her there because it was best for her, now she is settled so why uproot her?
This seems more about you than her.
Oh wow.
The only advice I have is to document in a diary every single time she mentions what they say. Sign it, date it. Every single time. Keep it factual and exactly how she worded it to you.
Then get it written up in court that they are not to discuss this with her. They're playing mind games with your poor girl.