I have been married for 19 years and we have 4 children together. Our Youngest is only four. Over time I have really fallen out of love with my husband. He is not a hands on Dad and I am left to do all the parenting duties as well as all the housework. I am studying and will be returning to work soon and he works full time. The kids are not interested in spending time with him as he has never shown interest in them. He drinks far too much and refuses to cut back. He drinks from when he gets home from work until when he goes to bed. He has not had one day without drinking in over 10 years and he also smokes a lot of pot, which is not smoked in the house or near the kids. I also recently found out about some other drug use that he didn’t disclose and won’t talk about. He’s not loving or affectionate and I feel very alone in life. The only hugs I get are from my kids. However if I leave the marriage my children will suffer. They won’t have their parents together to start with and we will have to sell their home and divide assets. Individually (paying two lots of household expenses) we will struggle to give them the life they have and deserve. The problem is, I am worried that the unhappiness is growing within me and I will end up bitter and resentful. He is not a violent or abusive person and has never hurt any of us. I tried talking to him but he doesn’t admit we have problems and said he will kill himself if I leave him. Has anyone successfully stayed for their kids and made it work?
8 Replies
1. Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves is abuse!
2. Your kids don’t have a dad now, so don’t use that as an excuse to stay
3. While you stay your kids are learning to normalise his shitty behaviour
4. It’s only a matter of time before the kids are exposed to his drug use and alcholism is becoming there normal. They are seeing way more than you think!
I didn't read all this. I stopped bcoz u said 19 years together and 10 of them drinking. Two decades, surely you would have seen signs before two full decades? You should have left years ago. I say this because i was you. two decades is taking the piss. He should have been gone yesterday and then some. You know why they do it this long? Because we let them.. we enable this behaviour. Pull up and take initiative. I wish i took my own advice back then. I finally did. Don't be me. Spread your wings and GO. He's a pig who is using you.
Unless you have both already tried eeverything you both can previously, and it hasn't worked thus far, take the reins and go babe. Go as of yesterday. Do not be me.
What about YOUR happiness?
I get that you are worried about your kids, but seeing their mum happy is worth so much more than fancy or expensive things. As long as you can provide the basics short term then the rest will fall into place.
You dont love him, so do you both a favour and give yourselves a chance at love and happiness. Maybe hes unhappy too and hides behind the bottle.
Make a choice to either actively work on the marriage (he has to be on board too) or decide to go seperate ways - living a life in limbo is easy but not worth sacrificing yourself for
I recently just ended a very similar situation, it is hard for the kids to adjust but honestly they get the ques from me and they see a happier, less stressed mum. I feel so much lighter and that is reflected in how my kids are feeling. Dont stay for the kids. Leave for them. We teach them what is ok, what is acceptable, so lead by example.
As a child from an unhappy marriage that ended in divorce please don't stay for the kids. My mum tried to do that too she wanted us to have a family that was together. But we could feel and see the unhappiness and it hurt us. Eventually my parents divorced and things were better. I'm not saying that things were easy there were definitely hard times but it was much better for all of us than the way we were living before and seeing my mum finally happy and free was a gift.
Leaving an unhappy marriage is not the worst thing that can happen to your kids...Happy home with love is worth more than material things and while it may be hard at first your children will benefit from a strong role model that teaches them they deserve to be in healthy relationships...good luck💙
I feel your pain!! I left my husband early last year & he attempted suicide numerous time i took him back after his 3rd attempt that left him in a coma.
It was only 2 months ago when he carried on like an idiot in a drunken rage I said I was done & he said he was going to kill himself.
It really is a hard situation to be in i wouldnt wish it on anyone. I always feel like my kids happiness comes before mine.
The worst thing you can do is stay for the kids. They’re already suffering, whether you see it or not he’s abusive to you and them - abuse isn’t just physical!
What you’re teaching them by staying is that this is normal. This is what marriage looks like - so they’ll accept it for themselves if they end up with a deadbeat like their dad. Is this what you want for your daughters? Or how you want your sons to treat their partners? From one mother to another I would say that no, you don’t.
So things might have to change financially. You’ll adapt and so will the kids. Your kids will be much happier and better off with a single mum who is happy, than what they are with 2 parents in an unhappy, toxic and abusive marriage.