I am so confused!! I love my husband and he is a good man but I don’t find him sexually attractive anymore. We’ve been trying to work on our marriage for 1.5years now, including counselling but I don’t know if anything’s going to get better.
Back story on why I’m here.... He’s been caught checking my phone and doesn’t trust me, I have never done anything to warrant this distrust. I go to one fitness class a week where there is one male, my husband makes me feel incredibly guilty for getting up at 5.30 once a week to go this class and is super jealous of this male at the class. I have explained to him I need this time for me and it helps me unwind (4 kids and working full time) but he says if I can get up at 5.30 for a class I can get up at 5.30 for sex. He spends money we don’t have constantly (60k in debt) and our sex life has been non existent for over a year, yes this is on me but I don’t want to be intimate with him. Yes I have built up a wall in our relationship because of these things but I’m not sure I can keep going. We talk about things and they’re good for a little while but then he says or does something which tells me he hasn’t changed. I keep asking myself would I want my daughter to stay if she was in this same situation. How do I decide what is the right step for us and move forward, either continuing to work on us or leaving?
Is it too late to work on my marriage?
Is it too late to work on my marriage?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
10 Replies
This sounds like a 90/10 deal of responsibility, the 90 beings yours. You are more at fault here and i can't see, by your post, that this is just all him
You're hanging out with a male mate, find out why this upsets him so much and respect boundaries if you are unkowingly crossing them.
You say you haven't had sex in a year, so he probably thinks you are getting it somewhere else. He's right, if you can get up for a run, you can get up for sex a few times in a year, so it's not like you have no time to be intimate with your own husband. Or surely there's a time at night that you can? Its been a year! To him, it would look like you are running off with your male fitness buddy every morning st 530am but can't find the time to be with him intimately first at times. So i don't understand why you are complaining about not having sex with him when you are actually avoiding it because you don't find him sexually attractive anymore. I'm sorry but that's really shallow.
What are the things you said you have built you wall up over otherwise ? As its honestly not very clear to me on this post. What's the guy actually done other than you not finding him attractive and you hanging out with a male mate over him? I get it, he checks your phone because he has no answers from you, so what's he actually 'done' wrong? You've said he's a good man, i don't get what your problem with him really is.
So YES girl, continue to work on your marriage, i feel its you who needs to fix this more than he does, you want him to change and you talk to him about it but what's to change ? I think you're the one who needs to. How about try that for a while and see it get better.
I know it definitely takes 2 and I’m partly responsible. My male mate I see once a week in a fitness group, he is the only male. I don’t see him outside of this group but my husband is still incredibly jealous of this! Your right, I don’t want to have sex with my husband. I don’t feel sexually attracted to him anymore, this is purely on me.
I have built up a wall in our relationship due to my husbands lack of trust (I don’t feel I have ever done anything for him not to trust me and this has been going on for a long time!) and his incredible jealousy of me stepping out the door once a week to do something for me. Everyone is entitled to ‘me’ time! He has got us into 60k worth of credit card debt that we can’t afford but won’t stop his overspending or take an interest in our finances to fix it. How do you work on a marriage or want to be intimate with someone who doesn’t trust you?? Yes I could stop going to my one fitness class a week, but I honestly don’t know if this would fix anything for either of us.
But she’s not “running off “ every day
It’s once a week.
Are there other people in this class or is it just you and him?
If it bothers him that much, perhaps think about finding another class.
If you want to take steps to fix this, you have to try something.
But the money spending needs to be recognized as well. He needs to do something about that as well. It’s not all on you.
She has edited her post since you responded here just above mine ^^ . It never said she went to the gym once a week. When others were responding she changed it to say that. It origonally sounded like she goes every morning at 530am before the post was altered . So save your your inverted "comma's"
I’d probably edit your post with the extra info you answered with.
For me, a year and a half of counselling. Not being able to go to one class a week without raising suspicion. You not wanting sex. A long period of marriage counselling with no improvement and the debt.
To me it sounds like flogging a dead horse.
It sounds like you’ve already checked out of the marriage
I think you need to step back and think about wether or not you think that you can get the sexual attraction back.
This is very common, happens to a lot of women, for different reasons.
Personally for myself, what drove my sexual attraction to my husband to pretty much diminish is the way he changed, and treated me over the years.
Refusing to speak to me if I went a few days without giving it to him. Refusing to help with the children. Putting me down, yet still expecting sex after he’s pretty much told me I’m getting big and to do something about it. Refusing to do anything to help with my mental health issues or show any kind of compassion or empathy.
It took years of me just putting up with it, giving him sex to keep the peace, keep everything ticking along nicely. Well, my attraction to him went out the window slowly but surely. Got to the point where I gathered up the courage to confront him about it, had figured out what I would do after a separation then told him I wanted to out of the marriage because I had lost interest in our sex life and was tired of being put down and needing to give him sex so he could be a contributing member of the household.
He woke up after that , is trying to change, I’m trying to accept it and change as well , but I don’t know if I’m too far gone for this to work in the long run.
You need to work out if you and him can get this mojo back or if it’s gone for good, time to start looking at other plans.
I'm amazed how many men complain about their partners putting on weight but are quiet happy to grovel for a booty call
Give your husband sex!! How can you work on your marraige without any intimacy? Of course he's jealous of course he's checking your phone, he's wondering where your getting sex from. I'm not saying these things are okay but neither is with holding sex and saying that you're working on the marraige!
The way I read it is she’s not withholding sex as such. She’s not attracted to him. It’s very unhealthy to force yourself to have sex just to keep the peace. It messes you up mentally and makes the act a major chore that you will dread ie very unhealthy.
I’m in a similar situation and can completely relate. If you have never experienced this before it would be easy to say just have sex or you need a weekend away. That’s not the answer, that’s all superficial. The issue is much deeper and it’s an extremely difficult situation to be in when children are involved. I don’t have advise because I’m struggling the same. To the poster..... please know you are not alone.