I’m quite vocal about my wants and needs in a relationship but for some reason this doesn’t get across the way I want it to?
I try to ask my boyfriend to give me more undivided attention.
Context:
He’s been at work 3 days in a row (totally fine, he pulls 12hour shifts) so I leave him alone on those days so he has time to recover and sleep. I’ve just been all out yesterday and been doing my own thing today so now I’ve missed the proper contact with him for 5 days now and I asked him tonight if I could have some attention.
He responded by asking what did I want. I said his undivided attention, to talk, to relax with each other and just spend some quality time with each other.
We’ve had this discussion before multiple times because he always doesn’t know what I mean by wanting attention. I’ve described it to him as the small things, holding hands, making a cup of coffee, taking an interest in what I’m doing, sit and talk to me about anything etc but he never seems to remember or wants to do it.
I don’t know how many times I can keep describing “I want attention, any type of attention” before I keep repeating myself and I already know he’s sick of me asking.
What on earth do I do? How do I make it more obvious to him that I want a small amount of his undivided time? I’m not asking for a day, I’m asking for 20mins if anything.
*added for context: we’ve been dating for 3 and almost a half years now
20 Replies
You need to communicate differently because he is not getting the message; he needs more guidance. Figure out a specific activity that will take a good amount of time that will get you engaging with each other - could be something as simple as playing a board game or doing a puzzle.
Thank you for replying, I do suggest a few things we could do together and he never likes any of them, so then I suggest we do the thing he likes to do (which is gaming), but he always says I never like what he wants to play, but I always try it or get a game we both enjoy.
Is there any activities you’ve found works for you? I know every couple is different (he doesn’t like puzzles whereas I do) but I need some help/more options as I feel this has become a sore point I can’t really ask him about anymore
"Alone time" "us time" " connection time" "movie night" "date night" if he acts dumb and just continually doesn't want to do it, then you have to realise you're asking the wrong person .
Yeah, he keeps asking me to define what we do in those times. So what do I mean by “us time”, “what should we do then” etc
I hadn’t considered the wrong person aspect, I thought maybe everyone goes through this sorta stage. I should have said for context we’ve been dating for 3 years now.
I was going to say the same thing.
You shouldn’t have to beg someone to spend time with you.
If he was your friend, you’d take the hint he wasn’t interested in hanging out with you. (I don’t say this to be cruel).
Someone who wants to be with you will want to do things with you. 3 years in you shouldn’t have to beg someone to do shared activities, even if that’s a drive, a walk, or watching a movie together. The point of being a couple is doing stuff together!
You’re right, I would take the hint straight away If they keep refusing, I just don’t see it because we live together.
I thought it may have just been a down time for a little while and thought that’s what happens when people get comfortable.
Some people get very comfortable, to the point where being nice is even an effort they don't want to go to. At any point in a relationship you can realise it's not meeting your needs and not making you happy.
You can voice that, and someone interested will make the effort, some won't. Then what you do next, knowing that, is up to you. Don't be fooled that he doesn't understand what it is. Do you really believe he's not capable of asking a mate or trying something rather than talking in circles, making excuses and doing nothing.
He has gotten a bit lazy in the relationship, but I don’t want to be too judgy of that because I know we all have our moments, but he seems to just be focused on and only wanting to play his games.
Your comment really resonates with me. I have been believing him because in my mind, why would he not want to show up for his own relationship? But it really makes sense
He knows exactly what you are asking for, nobody is that oblivious!
when you have to chase someone and prove your worth, walk away, it won’t get better.
Have you guys worked out your love languages? If he has a different one to you (which is highly likely), he will struggle to give you the love you prefer.. so sit down and do the tests with him and read yours out to him so he can get an understanding of your language and how you'd like to be shown love.
As someone who's love language isn't quality time or physical touch and my partners is, I have to be really concious about it and every then, it definitely isn't natural for me. We have one night a week where we don't use our phones. We try and get some child free time to go for a walk because we tend to talk in depth while walking/not on phones.
I think its also important to understand, there will always be some level of you always wanting more because its not natural to him. But so long as you can see he tries and makes and effort, or shows love in his love languages also, then you meet him there.
She can’t even get the guy to have a cup of coffee with her! He isn’t going to do a test!
Bigger problem than love languages in my opinion.
That can be an argument to not address someone having no interest in the other person.
Is he buying her gifts? Showing affection (not just wanting a shag)? Doing stuff around the house for her? Telling her how much he cares?
I already know my love language, but thank you for the suggestion.
He’s not doing any of those things you’ve commented, buying gifts, doing stuff around the house or telling me how much he cares. I ask for him to tell me something romantic or ask for a compliment. He does give a compliment after that but doesn’t do the romantic stuff. He says he doesn’t give a compliment because it feels forced and I should already know how I look, but I say I do and really like hearing them.
Then what is the point?
Sounds like you're flogging a dead horse
Urghhh Begging for his time/affection, compliments, this relationship has run its course.
You deserve someone that wants you as much as you want them.
Leave him be, find someone that will match your effort.
I feel you’re right, but I’m honestly so scared to leave the relationship that I’m comfortable in. Im not saying comfortable in the sense my needs are met but as dating for 3 and a bit years.
I know it’s only 3 and a bit, and there’s the rest of my life ahead but it still means a lot and I’m scared to be on my own
This was me! I put up with it for over 15 years and 2 kids! Run! I have missed knowing what it’s like to be adored. There is something better out there
My husband and I, very early on in our relationship, decided no phones or tvs or anything at dinner time and we sit at the table and eat. He’s a gamer and terrible at absentmindedly flicking through his phone so to have no technology was a huge change for him. It took a while but eventually sitting together invoked more talking at the table and then extended to discussions on other ideas of things to do together
Honey, he’s just not that into you.
Been there, done that, bought the book. If he’s not making time for you, and doesn’t miss you, it’s obvious.
Tell him goodbye and see what happens?