Hi, I am looking for ideas on how to deal with a narcissistic Ex husband who is in my son's life and refuses to communicate or do the right things.
Please bear with me.
We were together for 25 years. I endured a lot of degrading, public humiliation, verbal abuse.
I provided for the family for the last 15 years and he handled the finances.
We moved to a new state 3 years ago for my job where his family lives. He suggested I apply for the job, but when it was time to move he didn't want to. I suspected he was cheating on me. I have confronted him, but he became a very good lier. He ended up moving with me and my son and I and I assumed it was over, but it wasn't. I came to find out he has been cheating on my for at least 10 years and there were many. 15 if you count the one when my son was 4 months and I went back to work. It was easy. He was working from home, had flexible jobs. I was at work 55 -60 hours a week.
I divorced him right away. When we were going through it he said he wanted an open relationship.
We are now 2 years after the divorce. He never followed the custody agreement we had. He said it was inconvenient for him. Since I didn't want my son around him, I was okay with this and after a while we made peace and attended family gatherings. Neither one of us brought a significant other. (Before you read the rest, know that I am happy and in a year long relationship. No jealousy involved.)
About a month ago, he informed me that he has introduced his girlfriend to my son. He didn't tell me he was seeing someone. He just informed me after the fact. I came to find out that she spends the night at his house regularly when my son is there and he has an open bedroom with two doorways and no doors. I asked to meet the girlfriend, but he refuses to introduce me.
I feel like I have a right to know who my son is spending time with. Every time I go over to drop my son off, she is not there, but when I pick my son up, he talks about her.
Recently, just as things opened up after Covid lock downs, he took my son to a party with his girlfriend, friends and his friends neighbors and I only found out, because I asked him if he was okay with my son seeing his girlfriend, given that we are supposed to be social distancing. (Also, I have Lupus.)
His behaviour has changed a lot since he has been in a relationship. He doesn't consult me on anything where our son is concerned. He just does it and then informs me. My son is 15 and he is an impressionable teenager. I am worried about the things he is learning and I don't feel my Ex makes good decisions on his behalf. Who can I talk to? Is there help for these situations?
I have been enforcing the custody agreement for about a month now. I have placement, so my son spends more time with me. Thankfully! I want my son to have stability and I anticipate that my ex isn't going to co-operate. I no longer desire to attend his family gatherings. I am alone here, but that is okay. I just want to be with my son when I can and have a right to be.
I appreciate your advice.
9 Replies
Don’t go to his family gatherings, there is no reason to go. Just be busy from now on.
You need to let the meeting of the new girlfriend go, you don’t get to control that.
Your son is 15 now so if he hasn’t mentioned he’s uncomfortable with a situation let it go.
You need to be led by your son at this point at his age. If he’s happy around the GF that’s all that matters.
Unless you have some clear examples of abuse towards your child I wouldn’t rock the boat other than you being unavailable for family gatherings.
Unfortunately you can’t control what happens at the other parents house. Unless there is abuse or your son has said he’s uncomfortable being there, there’s nothing you can do. Concentrate on what you can control. Keep the lines of communication open between you and your son, so that if he’s got concerns he feels he can approach you with them without you judging. My ex is the same, everything is about him and what he wants and not necessarily about what is best for our boys. Multiple women (with children) through his home, introducing them to the boys when the relationship has barely begun. I do not discuss their father with the boys. They can bring him up, but I will respond with the bare minimum. There was a time when they were being told not to talk to me about anything that they do at dads house. I ended up having to take them aside separately and told them they could talk to me about anything and it would go no further unless they or someone else was in danger of being hurt. It didn’t take long for them to start chattering away about their week as soon as they got in the car at changeover. If you don’t want to go to gatherings with his family then don’t go. It’s your choice. I’ve chosen to maintain contact with my ex in laws, for the sake of my boys, although it did take a few years for us to get back in contact. I’m actually closer to them now, than I was while I was married. Focus on you and your son, and try to ignore what your ex is doing.
At 15 you need to let this go..
Find happiness - don’t let him dull your shine a minute longer!
Your son has you the rest will be ok!
Let it go.
My ex was living with another woman and her child and I didn’t even know he had a partner.
Just accept it, he is a dick with or without a partner, nothing has changed.
You can’t control him and what he does.
I think just pull back yourself and hold onto the fact he's 15, old enough to speak to you and also close to this being over for you. As he gets older you'll need to take a step back and let him learn about his father the hard way, just be there when it goes wrong for him
The way you described it it comes across as your child is very little. He is a teenager so his dads girlfriend being there is a non issue. He is well and truely old enough to say if he is uncomfortable. You have no say over what dad does on his time. It’s none of your business. You really need to step back a bit, your coming across very controlling. And definitely no need for you to be at his family gatherings. How strange.
I totally agree here . Shes far too controlling on a household that isn't hers . Thats like him wanting to control her household and who's there too. Ridiculous. This type of control is unnecessary and this is why some women get labled as the cazy ex . She needs to let it all go and focus on her son when he's with her. Not when he's with his dad in his own home. His dad can have over his home whomever he likes.. Especially more so , given that he's 15.
I hate to say this but he's 15.
Your ex might be a complete blockhead but your son is 15 and in 3 years will be an adult.
I would just stop doing the family get togethers unless it's absolutely about your 15 year old.
IE graduation, big birthdays, school events...
Sadly, what happens at his house isn't up to you and your input. You've got to just worry about if your child is safe, doing his homework etc.
It's kind of weird there's no doors and you knowing that is slightly creepy too.
Keep a positive relationship with your child and always been professional in terms of maintaining a relationship between your child and his dad regardless of if he keeps to agreements or not.
At 15 your son is old enough to decide what he wants.. if he's uncomfortable he's old enough to tell you. Which clearly he isn't if he hasn't said anything.