Hi so my husband and I have been married 15 years, he has his best mate since high school and I became best friends with his wife, we did everything together family holidays and spent weekends with them. A few years ago they hit a rough patch, we tried to stay as neutral as possible and just be there for each them. She found out he had been texting another friend of hers they both said it was innocent and He said he won’t see her anymore.
I happened to see him and this other woman once whilst I was out, they didn’t see me. My friend was ringing me upset that she had no idea where he was and he wasn’t answering his phone, i mentioned I had just seen him with this other person and maybe ask him when he gets home where he has been and see if he tells you the truth. He said he was somewhere else and hasn’t seen this person.
My friend then took it out on me and cut me out. Saying I was making it up and causing them issues.
Now fast forward our friends have separated He is living with the “other woman” and seems very happy and I Still haven’t seen my friend. So over time i have become friendly with the new girlfriend as I feel I don’t have to be loyal to the ex wife anymore. But she messaged out the blue apologising for cutting me out and would like to Catch up. I told her too much water under the bridge and it would make things awkward and she really hurt me by cutting me out her life so easily. She thinks I’m betraying her by being friends with her ex and the other woman, but this is my husbands best mate he will always be in our life and I kind of think she is only contacting me to get the goss on his life.
What do you all think should I just leave it or meet up and see what she has to say.
Friend cutting me out.
Friend cutting me out.
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
15 Replies
If you miss her friendship, be her friend. You don't have to be on a side. If you don't want to be her friend, don't be.
If I were you and you miss her friendship then I would be saying something along the lines of 'I would love to catch up with you but I have certain conditions based on the way you have treated me. 1. I will not discuss your ex husband and his new partner. 2. I am not betraying anyone by having a friend and you do not have any right to tell me who I should and shouldn't be friends with. If those are things you are happy to do then I would live to re-establish our friendship otherwise I wish you all the best for the future.
To be honest it sounds very childish but you need to decide if you want to invite the potential drama into your life.
Difficult position. Personally I don't think I could be friends with people who think it's ok to break up marriages, regardless of who is friends with who. Morally that goes against who I am. I wouldn't hate them but I surely wouldn't be playing cute couple catch ups, especially since you were fairly invested in the marriage as a friend. It would have been a very hard time for your old friend and still would be, if you can't accept she made a mistake in a amongst all the confusion of her husband adamantly denying what you saw ( which would make me very wary of this man, he must have really put your credibility on the line to get away with that) then you probably shouldn't be friends again. It can't have been easy at all for her to contact you knowing you're now friends with them.
Wow, how can you be chummy with a guy who called you a liar and basically ruined your friendship with his wife as she naively believed her husband over you? How can you be chummy with the woman who cheated with your friends husband? I don’t know, I kind of really feel for your ex friend, she got the very raw end of the stick. She believed the cheating, liar, stayed loyal,to the detriment of your friendship and here you are best buddies with them. She cut you out due to loyalty to her husband, what’s his excuse for questioning your integrity and calling you a liar? What does your husband think of his friends behaviour? I can tell you, most guy friendship groups operate the same, they are usually alike, if he thinks it’s all fine, I would question his integrity too. I don’t think your ex friend will bring the drama, your husbands mate will, leopards don’t change their spots, you will likely go through this all over again in a few years. Their relationship started on shakey ground, I doubt it will last.
This
If you're going to meet her or be friends with her you need to make it clear that him and anything to do with him are off the table. You'll soon see if she's just after goss or access.
And reading other replies, they're Absolutely correct. The guy is the scumbag in al l this and he's off Scott free whole you lost a friendship. If you miss her, don't let what happened with him come between you.
I know and she proudly says....He’s going to be in our life forever, yuk, a cheating, lying, scum bag.
Watch your back and good luck, your husband has poor taste in friends and even allows said friends to disrespect you and call you a liar.
Interesting they got over it so quickly. I wonder if she breaks up with her boyfriend if she'll have any of her own friends or if theyre all his.
OP, I don’t think you should be friends with this woman, from what you wrote, you don’t really care for her much. You clearly think she’s a gossip with an agenda. This woman has had her family torn apart and her partner living with the affair partner, the pain would be immense, beyond belief. This woman needs true and sincere friends who have empathy for her situation and truly care for her, not refer to her in the derogatory way you have. This lady would be better steering clear of you and your little group, for her mental health and well being.
I got to be honest here, I have had a similar experience only it was my friend who was cheating and I was worried about her unpredictable behaviour which was out of control. Making up allegations which were unfounded. Doing things, that were quite concerning and saying anything to get what she wanted. All inappropriate and because her affair had fallen apart, she was unloading on me and quite frankly causing my mental health to suffer. I told her to talk to her mom, in fact every one of her friends were doing so. People were telling her if she didnt, they would.
So when I finally disclosed, she accused me of betrayal, turned everything back on to me. Blamed me for everything going wrong and called me toxic. I am 100% sure that's what she told her husband to get him back.
This wasn't the first time she had an affair. This wasn't new behavior.
So when she cut me off and everyone who cared for her out of her life, that was her choice.
I also know that the relationship was unhealthy and I agree, completely toxic. If I could do over, I would have cut contact the first time she cheated.
I know it's a matter of time before she does this all again and reaches out in some way.
You need to do what's right for you but look after yourself.
But the op is fine with him having an affair, don’t think it effects her at all.
She’s more judgemental to the ex partner who has been through hell and back.
Too much water under the bridge...pffff....her empathy is underwhelming.
She needs to move on with her life and stop making poor decisions is my point.
The friend is suffering and she doesn't care. My friend started bragging about her 1st affair right when my husband was caught cheating with women. The fact that when I pointed out that it was hard to hear, she was dismissive and made it about her.
The second time around, nothing dissimilar and I don't believe in 3rd chances when people promise to be better. She's self centered and doesn't care as long as her needs are met.
The point is, an unequal friendship is always one sided and the choices we make affect real lives.
It sounds like she should do at least one right thing and let her have some peace and space to heal. She deserves that and if she chooses her ex partner, well that's a choice with consequences.
She needs to make that decision and that means leaving her to grow from this. It's toxic to her and wrong for holding her back.
I see what youre saying...
Sounds like she just wants you back to get info. Block her number and move on. You told her the truth. She cut you off she made that choice and you were just being a good friend. Of course if you miss her friendship and thinks she’s genuine. Then give her a chance but if you don’t feel that at all. Cut her off.