My sister and partner have decided to end a 20+ years marriage. At this stage they are some what ammicable. I'm hoping to keep the peace with both of them as there is kids involved and I'd hate to loose my nephews by taking sides.
So, I consider myself to be quiet introvert. I stay out of other people's business and tend to let them deal with their own dramas. My sister has let me know, after a few drinks, that her partner can't believe that myself and my partner aren't supporting her through this time! I'll be honest I do not know how to offer more support. I don't want to be looked at as though I'm only making an effort now that they are separating.
Please help me hear.... how do I support my sister more right now?? We are 11years apart in age, so not the usual closeness that sisters tend to have.
This has hit me pretty hard because the same comment was made by my sister in law when my brother was in the process of his divorce..... some 10yrs ago!
9 Replies
Some people think the only way to support a relative is to spew venom on the ex.
Listening to your sister, helping her with se practical things is being supportive.
Seems like you fence sit and that's hurtful to the people that expect you to be their support. It's ok to choose family. And it's ok to support someone and still not get into their business. Take her wine and ice cream and let her know you're there for her. Ask if she needs help with the kids or with meeting people, she might be restructuring her whole life, social, habits, all of that. Be someone that does things with her. Or just send her funny memes. Nights are lonely as a single parent.
Your post made me giggle...I’m so odd, such an introvert....as a single mum, nights are my favourite part of the day. The time when you have done the cleaning, kids in bed and you get to relax and watch your shows, do your own thing.
Same but you that's all you can do, it's a good time for funny memes and online chats.
Yes!!!
My idea of support in this situation would be.
Calling - asking if she is ok. What can I do what do you need!
Turn up with a meal for her freezer.
Take the kids for a day out.
Help with moving.
Take around coffee and morning tea
Take her out for a meal. Or a walk.
There are many ways to offer practical support!
If you are still very friendly with her ex it may seem as though you are there for him and not for her. I get that families can stay friends and blah blah, but in those initial stages after separation when emotions are high, trust is questioned and you're looking around you to see who has your back - only to see they have your exes back, it can be a bit disheartening. You don't have to go on a hate campaign or speak badly about anyone, just have your sisters back in a time when she really needs it. When the right amount of time has passed and she doesn't need your support anymore you can reach out to her ex, start by saying if he ever needs a hand with the kids while he has them he can call you, or something to that effect.
I’m an introvert, but I also care a lot about people, especially family, that’s no excuse for your apathy.
This isn’t “drama”, this is your sister going through a divorce.
First thing, focus on someone else for a change, then you might come up with ideas on how to help them.
If you aren’t comfortable with emotions/listening to her problems, try practical solutions like the others have suggested.
Make the effort, people don’t get divorced every day.
Something else that got me about this post.....
Question:
1. Has it hit you hard because people are implying you’re self centred and unsupportive and it reflects on your personality.?
2. You feel bad that your siblings haven’t had your support going through extremely painful and difficult situations?
I would investigate that too, maybe this is a time for self growth?
We’re always evolving, improving ourselves, maybe this is your wake up call?