Just a question- if you have a family member with mental illness should you/would you disclose this to their new partner if it looked like it was getting serious and it didn’t appear the party was aware?
Now before you jump in let me frame this - I’m talking about a mental illness that has impacted previous relationships, resulting in violence (AVO’s), stalking and intimidation. They have not received treatment. Also I’m not talking a cousin or distant relative. This person is your sibling or child. You love them and want the best for them. Do you have an obligation to the new partner?
Mental illness and relationships
Mental illness and relationships
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health
10 Replies
I’d like to think I’d give the information to the new love interest. It would keep me up at night to not tell and I’d struggle to live with myself if they were harmed by family member.
Is there a way you can safely give the person the information?
This is a tough one.
My first instinct was, no absolutely not. It's wrong and a betrayal of someone's trust and privacy to disclose their medical issues.
But then, I started to think about if the new love interest was potentially in danger. It would definitely eat away at my conscience knowing that this person didn't have all the information needed to make an informed decision about the relationship they'd entered into.
I think you may need to consider the consequences of what may happen if you don't say anything and what may happen if you do. Then you can decide which way to proceed based off what outcome you could live with.
Yes I would set the scene right now because it looks bad coming later or after the fact. I would maybe just drop in about his history.... is she aware of this?... etc. And that even though you're related, you're available to help if she ever needs it and you advocate for healthy relationships.
I would like to say stay out of it but if you think there may be a risk. You could have a quiet word and just a light warning to open their eyes. Maybe tell this person to take us slowly and one step at a time as the person needs to seek professional help but hasn’t at this point and you don’t want the other person to be hurt.
Mind your business. If they have not had treatment then how do you even know they have it? Unless it's severe like schizophrenia then stay out of it. Put your energy into trying to get your relative help if that's what you want.
They have been hospitalised but refused treatment.
There's the option to discuss this with both parties.
If you still have a relationship with said family member, you can offer support and explain that if they feel those violent urges, etc, you're there for them. They can call you and vent when they're working themselves up. My ex's mother did this and it actually helped me to feel less alone and the distraction stopped a lot of floggings.
If you're in the position to be part of a safety plan, absolutely do it. That includes letting the new partner know that you will be there if it happens.
I have a mental illness. There is no way in hell I'd want someone else to discuss that with my partner. Yes I've done similar things to whatyou've mentioned no avo although I should of been served with one. I wasn't treated at the time. I've changed but it's still up to me to tell my partner not someone else's I see that as a trust issue. I'd never forgive that person.
When you have a history of violence toward your partner, you have zero right to privacy if you choose to not disclose. I would be furious if I started a relationship with someone like you and nobody told me. People need to stop protecting violent offenders and start protecting the victims. I also have a mental illness and I would absolutely disclose to any new partner, out of respect for them.
I am beyond furious at my “in laws” that they allowed me and my children to blindly walk into a situation they had knowledge of. My ex has a personality disorder that can see him be a raging anger fuelled man but also a kind and caring one. He had a list of prior abusive behaviour, charges and medical intervention as long as your arm and NOBODY SAID A BLOODY WORD!! He covered for the first 3 years of our relationship but once he relapsed we paid and they all stood back and said “oh yes he’s had issues like this in the past”.
You warn people. This covering up bullshit is exactly how a DV abuser goes from one victim to the next!