Hi can you pls post anon for me. This is quite embarrassing and shameful and sorry for the long post ahead. Thank you š
So my husband and I have been together for 12 years. We have 3 young kids together plus he has 2 from a previous marriage. Iām a SAHM and he has his own building business. I donāt know how to put all these feelings that I have so Iāll try my best. I have always taken care of the house and kids with little to no help from him. He works hard but then comes home and just plonks on the couch and literally will do nothing and not get up until dinner is on the table. More often then not he is in a shitty mood, snaps at me and the kids. Raises his voice. Tells us to āshoosh ā so he can watch the news. He wonāt help clean up after dinner. He will plonk back on the couch while I clean up, shower and bath the kids, do pick ups from after school activities (pre covid-19), make lunches and do bedtime routines. If the kids act up his first form of punishment is to smack them. He wonāt help out with any housework at all. He will mow the lawns, clean the pool or pick up the dog poop outside. I had day surgery earlier this year and as soon as I got home from the hospital I was vacuuming the house and organising dinner for him and the kids because he was tired from waiting at the hospital all day for me! Iāve always done everything for the kids and I never ask him to do anything. Maybe thatās my fault but I think his mentality is his mum always looked after the kids and house while the dad earns the money.
Intimacy is a struggle to say the least. Iām so not interested while he is like a horny teenager! I should feel āproudā that he still finds me attractive after all these years but honestly itās the last thing Iām interested in. After 3 kids Iām sort of āruinedā down there so more often than not he wants anal sex. I do it but I hate it. I feel dirty and ashamed but I feel like he doesnāt enjoy normal vaginal sex because itās not as tight. Iāve never really enjoyed sex all that much anyway due to being raped when I was 12. He always talks like an immature teenager, asking me āwant a bum?ā I actually dread the weekend because I know he will really be hassling me for sex. I look forward to getting my period because I know he will leave me alone but he will give me a hard time for not skipping it because Iām on the pill.
I never go out with my few friends because he makes me feel shit for having fun without him. He told me I can only go out with my friends twice a year anyways. Last time I went out was 4 years ago! Now they donāt even ask me to come out with them because they know Iāll say no.
He will get shitty with me and quiz me about how much money Iāve spent on groceries.
I donāt have any family in this state. I feel so alone and somewhat trapped I guess.
Iām scared to leave as Iāve come from a broken home and I really donāt want to do it to my own children. Iāve been a SAHM for 13 years now so I donāt even know where to start. Our house and home loan is in his brothers name (which he did on purpose so I would not be entitled to take it should we separate) so I have nothing and no one. I feel like I have one foot out the door already but Iām scared to take that next step. I find myself looking at rental houses just to see whatās available but who would rent a house to a single mum with 3 kids and no job??
I also feel like I canāt leave as my step kids have recently being through a very traumatic event in their lives and I canāt bear the thought of hurting them with me leaving. Iām also scared of my husband being horrible to our kids when he would have them. He is not physically abusive but mentally and emotionally he is.
As I said I feel trapped and almost obligated to stay. Iām scared of not having enough money to support my children.
I donāt know what Iām trying to say really. Maybe just having a vent. Maybe wondering what others would do?
Do I stay or do I go?
Do I stay or do I go?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
30 Replies
There is so much toxicity in this relationship Iām struggling with where to begin.
Iād like to say, Iād be out the door so fast, but Iāve never been in your exact position. While Iāve been in abusive relationships Iāve been privileged to get out very quickly before I went down the rabbit hole.
You have listed financial abuse, controlling behaviours and I suspect sexual abuse is involved too. I can pretty much guarantee there is nothing wrong with your vagina, and that your man has a problem. Vaginas donāt work the way your husband says they do.
You are going to need some therapy and itās probably a good idea to reach out to a domestic violence service. This is DV.
As to who would rent to a single mum of three kids on Centrelink LOADS of people would.
You staying will not help your step kids with what ever trauma they have experienced. Your actual kids need there mum happy, healthy and strong and you wonāt be able to be that person while remaining in this relationship.
You need to leave!!
Oh dear, this is truly awful, you poor thing! Leave and donāt look back!
I felt sick reading that....holy shit, make a plan, get a job, start gaining some confidence/independence and work towardS leaving.
You need to get yourself back, that vivacious person you were before you cohabitated with that monster of a man.
You are worth it, youāre so amazingly strong, you just need to see it.
Youāve got this brave mumma xxxx
Iām sure he knows you donāt enjoy it, heās a revolting, disgusting man that enjoys hurting/degrading you.
He then makes jokes about it.....
Connect with the kids on messenger now. And get other family's contact numbers. Then you leaving him will be an absolute blessing to them. They'll have a safe, strong, loving adult in their life instead of a compromised person surviving, you can't lean on those people, they see and they know. And they have a place to go away from him. They're going to need it. A gift. Don't stress over current or immediate feelings, it's doing what you have to and thinking about the long term that's important.
He is so revolting I almost vomited and I have had that whole anal shit put to me yet he was so anti gay.. he was a porn addicted, abusive, cheating sack of nothing ,, please leave , for you and the kids he is a disgusting waste of oxygen !!
1. Go to centrelink to get payments started and open a bank acct he has no access to
2. You will get enough to live by, your budget will be tighter but many women/men are single parents.
3. Call child support to initiate a claim.
4. You can apply for bond assistance
5. You will get rent assistance once u leave.
6. Call a dv support line, they will link you to all sorts of help
You need to get out. He's so gross please leave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you all for your responses. It was my post.
I actually felt physically sick reading the responses as I know deep down you are all right. I need to leave. For my own sake but for the sake of my children. He is a good father in that he supports his family by working hard and I think Iāve used that as an excuse to justify his behaviour. I also think Iāve stayed as long as I have because I fear that if Iām not around he will be mentally abusive to our children.
As I said I also didnāt want to leave and upset my stepchildren. The traumatic event was that their mother passed away suddenly 2 months ago and they are all struggling with it. So to leave now will just be too much for them. I love them like my own and would never want to hurt them or cause them anymore stress and anguish after what they have been through.
Thank you all for your honesty.
You have to do what's right for you. Reinforce to them that this is about your relationship breaking down and your safety, but your love and connection to them doesn't change at all. I think you're way underestimating how damaging he is as a father.
I think you're very far in, speaking to a psychologist will help you work through your thoughts and the reasons you tell yourself you just absolutely can't leave (you always will have some) but also some space. Can you get away for a week? Go to visit a friend or relative? Get some perspective.
Thank you for your response. All valid points. Iām thinking I will definitely need some form of therapy after all of this.
The way he snaps at his kids from a previous relationship Iām honestly surprised that they still talk to him tbh. Itās definitely very toxic to say the least. Thatās why I worry about our children together should I leave and it will be his time with them. I wonāt be around to comfort my kids when he snaps at them, almost over the smallest and silliest of things.
And no I canāt take time away from him. He wonāt even allow me to go out with friends without getting the shits about it
Who cares if he gets the shits?
I honestly donāt think youāre going to get out if you donāt start putting yourself first and getting out there with people who love and value you.
I guarantee when you change, start putting yourself first, he will change too, but it will be too late and thatās not what you want anyway.
Start getting your strength back, start doing shit for yourself.
Have the mindset, Iām leaving him anyway, so who cares what he thinks or says?
Start tomorrow!!
Heās a disgusting man, his opinion is no longer relevant in your life.
All this power he has over you is imaginary, itās not real, his chances of finding someone else who would put up with his abuse are slim to none. He could fake it for a while, but not forever.
I mean no offence to you, but you were raped at 12, perhaps had self esteem issues, plus having kids with the dickhead, thatās why you stayed. Wife one didnāt last remember?
Youāre a lovely person, you hold all the cards here and he just doesnāt want you to know it.
Take back the power.
Heās insecure, afraid youāll leave, thatās why he doesnāt want you socialising.
He knows you arenāt damaged sexually, but he wants you to believe that.
On a deeper level he knows youāre too good for him, thatās why he has to control you.
You don't protect them right now. Worry about the damage they are receiving growing up in a household with the 2 of you in these roles. They are learning both roles. And will end up with all sorts of mental health issues and poor relationships and standards in the dirt, for themselves and partners. If you leave, you can teach them what a healthy household is. That's priceless.
Donāt apologise for the long post and youāre right this post is embarrassing and shameful, FOR HIM, NOT YOU, not you at all!!
Gather bank statements that proves he pays mortgage. Gather everything you need and get a plan. How old are the step kids? Call their relative drop them
In for the day if you wonāt take them leave then call the relative once safe say your not going back and dear for kids safety call someone on their mothers side. Once you have gone. Get out he has tasked your life from your life get your stuff ready and have a family member get your tickets get on a plane and go Iāve been there I watched my mother live like this and be on the run and as a child the relief being in my grandparents and aunts arms after the flight gave me new respect for my mother I had lost at 10!
Gather bank statements that proves he pays mortgage. Gather everything you need and get a plan. How old are the step kids? Call their relative drop them
In for the day if you wonāt take them leave then call the relative once safe say your not going back and dear for kids safety call someone on their mothers side. Once you have gone. Get out he has tasked your life from your life get your stuff ready and have a family member get your tickets get on a plane and go Iāve been there I watched my mother live like this and be on the run and as a child the relief being in my grandparents and aunts arms after the flight gave me new respect for my mother I had lost at 10!
Oh wow what a pig. I wouldnāt care about anything else, just the kids. Pack your bags and go somewhere, where you can stay with someone or get a cheap rental and centrelink. Stop sleeping with him if you donāt like it. Itās your body and if you donāt want him doing that then donāt. You have already been through enough and he sounds like he doesnāt care. What a pig! Leave him to deal with his kids as harsh as that is and you take off with yours. Tell him you donāt want to be with him anymore, not to touch you in anyway at all. Stand up to this filthy pig.
Doesnāt matter you can get a caviet put on the house, you have lived there for this long. Heās a pig.
From a different perspective, have you asked him to help you around the house? If not, how is he supposed to know you need help? talk to him, have communication and tell him how you feel. Did he tell you it was because your not tight enough or do you think that because he asks for anal? Did he buy the house before you both got together? I donāt see why you would agree for it to be in the brothers name if it was after you got married. You have been a sahm for 13 years and heās been working that whole time... there seems to be communication issues for you and him. Before you throw everything away because you might think the grass is greener, try everything you can to fix the issues first. The grass is only greener if you water it.
How have you missed that this is an abusive relationship? There is clearly a huge power imbalance here.
I was in a similar position. It is so hard to walk away when you have so many unknowns.
Well 6 months ago we separated. I was made to feel like I was not worthy of love or anything so I thought it would just be my and my kids, which I have most of the time. I have had major surgery since then and a lot of health issues to deal with. But I can finally say things are looking up for me. The kids are much happier. I have just started a relationship with an amazing man that treats me and the kids better than I could have ever dreamed. I still have a long way to go to put all the pieces back together but I can tell you it was all worth it. I admit it was one of the hardest times of my life but as they say the biggest rainbows come after the hardest storm ā¤ļø
Just know you deserve so much better and so do the kids. Leave and love yourself like you want to be loved. Then thatās when things start falling into place. Good luck.
I was in a similar position. It is so hard to walk away when you have so many unknowns.
Well 6 months ago we separated. I was made to feel like I was not worthy of love or anything so I thought it would just be my and my kids, which I have most of the time. I have had major surgery since then and a lot of health issues to deal with. But I can finally say things are looking up for me. The kids are much happier. I have just started a relationship with an amazing man that treats me and the kids better than I could have ever dreamed. I still have a long way to go to put all the pieces back together but I can tell you it was all worth it. I admit it was one of the hardest times of my life but as they say the biggest rainbows come after the hardest storm ā¤ļø
Just know you deserve so much better and so do the kids. Leave and love yourself like you want to be loved. Then thatās when things start falling into place. Good luck.
I was in a similar position. It is so hard to walk away when you have so many unknowns.
Well 6 months ago we separated. I was made to feel like I was not worthy of love or anything so I thought it would just be my and my kids, which I have most of the time. I have had major surgery since then and a lot of health issues to deal with. But I can finally say things are looking up for me. The kids are much happier. I have just started a relationship with an amazing man that treats me and the kids better than I could have ever dreamed. I still have a long way to go to put all the pieces back together but I can tell you it was all worth it. I admit it was one of the hardest times of my life but as they say the biggest rainbows come after the hardest storm ā¤ļø
Just know you deserve so much better and so do the kids. Leave and love yourself like you want to be loved. Then thatās when things start falling into place. Good luck.
My husband is the same that he believes I should be responsible for everything within the home as he works and my job is to do that.
He believes I can rest when the kids do or put my feet up to watch tv with them so
I get my breaks whilst he is working.
He also demands sex and gets annoyed if I donāt put out. He also says I should be flattered heās still interested in me after three kids, and also pushes for anal, which I absolutely hate.
He lets me spend money as I like but is very emotionally abusive and talks down to me. He doesnāt let me go out with friends either and considers play dates during the day my time out with friends.
I completely understand whatās itās like for you.
I purely stay because I would hate for my kids to have to be alone with him every second weekend and that I get the chance to stay at home and not work so I spend all of their young years at home and being available for sports days, excursions etc and they love that they can play sport and buy the best gadgets like their friends.
If I was single that wouldnāt happen.
I be miserable for their happiness and safety.
I donāt understand why you have to put up with being miserable! Stand up for yourself! Say no to him! How dare he force you to to have sex or make you feel bad if you say no! God this makes me so upset you are living like this. Take back your power!!! One day you will be separated and wish you did it sooner. You say your staying for your kids but You could also be damaging the kids by letting them see how a man treats a woman and thinks itās ok.
This man is a fu**ing pig. Leave. Donāt look back. Donāt stay for the kids, LEAVE for the kids! Show them how strong you are and that you wonāt put up with being treated like a piece of shit! And you will always be there for your step kids, just in another house. You only have one life to live..... so live it, donāt waste it. You deserve to be happy.
Oh my love Iām in tears. I feel trapped just reading this. I think you know you need to leave. I hope you get lots of advice here today. Iām not in the same situation now but I grew up in it. It was so damaging I donāt even know where to begin with my explanation. Even if you donāt believe you deserve more (which you do) do it for your children. You need to prepare. You mentioned he is not abusive physically so take your time and cover your tracks.
1. Ask a close friend if you can keep a box of files at their place.
2. Open a bank account in your name and have the statements sent to above friend
3. Start putting small amounts of money away for when you leave.
4. Contact centrelink and find out exactly what you qualify for and how much it is
5. Start looking at rentals and prices
6. Start packaging up important documents - birth certificates etc. make copies and leave him with the copies.
7. Start looking for evidence that the mortgage is actually his one copies of all bank statements the payments come out of
8. Go to Legal Aid and get all the advice you can regarding the splitting of assets. Get what you deserve. Donāt think you are not entitled to some of it. You had his children, you cared for your step children, completely ran his household - you are entitled to assets!!
9. Talk to your friends! Have coffee, go for walks, engage. You donāt have to tell them all whatās going on but you will be surprised what a boost it will give you to know there are people in your corner.
Good luck. You are worth more than this. You really are.
Are we with the same man?
10yrs, 4 kids, sahm for 11years now.
Acts the same, all about anal, makes me feel shit & dirty.
Loveee having my period so he leaves me alone.
Never get to go anywhere because he wont look after the kids, when he does they dont eat, he yells at them for standing infront of his tv & making him lose (gaming addict!), smacks them etc. So i have to ask my parents to but feel terrible when they are much older.
So I've started my steps of leaving, its taken months but I've secured an amazing group of friends who love and support myself & kids, I've got the 2 youngest into daycare & gotten myself a job that is inbetween school hours so i can still get my 2 older boys.
I will have a nice small savings when tax comes through & then im gone.
I am fortunate enough to have my sister own a house closeby but live elsewhere so she's already said we can rent it if we need to.
Please, find courage and bail.
Its not easy, its taken years for me to get to this point but im desperate now, & you sounds like you've already hit that point.
Goodluck mama. X
Iām so happy to read your getting out! Good on you šŖš» Itās horrible reading comments with women saying how theyāre in the same kind of relationship. No one deserves to be treated this way.
One point - you are entitled to the house (or a portion)
Please find me on the FB post. My name is Emma Ann. We are going through the courts for this exact same scenario and I can offer a lot of insight into your entitlements
I can help you