Hey ladies,
This is a hard one to post but my husband and I have been going through a really tough time lately and have been sitting down and talking through our issues to try and see if we can solve our problems. We have been together over 10 years and have 2 beautiful children together. We both have our faults and strengths and have made some amazing steps in the last few months. Tonight was another one of those discussions and a problem has come up that I don't know how to fix. My husband is no longer as attracted to me as he was when we first met and because of this he has been naturally starting to delevop relationships with other women who he does find attractive. He has never cheated and when he finds the friendships starting to get towards crossing that line he pulls right back or stops the friendship because he does not want to cheat and hurt me. These friendships of course have started to put some pressure on our relationship and were the topic of conversation originally and what led to him finally admitting that he doesn't see my as that attractive anymore. It hurts a lot to hear that but I also recognise that I am not as attractive as I want. I have aged, I have carried 2 babies and have a chronic illness which has had a significant impact on my body. He feels horrible that this is what he thinks and in no way intended to be nasty or hurt me by saying it. We both want to work towards fixing any problems we have and both feel like ending our marriage should be a last resort. He has a lot he needs to fix within himself which he is doing but I want to try and fix this problem between us. So I guess my question is how do you get back to being attractive to someone? How do you help them get that lust and spark back? I am not a high maintenance girl so I don't even know where to start with making myself attractive to someone. I understand the basics that losing weight etc will help but I have no idea how to go about it. Please share any tips or tricks you have that can help me build myself back up. I want to be beautiful and confident in myself again not just for him but for myself as well.
Please don't just trash talk him or tell me to move on. I am aware of how all this sounds and how horrible it is to have someone say this about me but as I said I am not someone to give up on my marriage unless it is absolutely the last resort and nothing can be done to fix it. I want to fix this and leaving will not do that.
6 Replies
I worry that you are going to jump through a lot of hoops to try to re-establish some non achievable ‘attractiveness’.
I think personally, I wouldn’t worry about your weight. I’d start working on my self esteem. Self confidence and esteem, is the sexiest thing!
Then I’d look at doing things like improving your over all health. How does the food you eat making you feel? Does the amount of exercise you get make you feel your best?
Maybe look at how you take care of yourself over all? Do you take time to look after you? I’m not talking a big dramatic makeover, just looking at your routine and care in general. Do you take the time to buy clothes that you enjoy wearing? Do you have a skin care routine that makes you happy?
First up, to say your husband would never cheat... sorry to say, but he already is by starting friendships with other women. Just because he “stops them before they go too far” doesn’t make it right. It’s wrong in so many ways.
James smith has written a great book. It’s called not a diet book, it helps you with ways on how to lose weight, by having a calorie deficit, but also a great self help book! Try and get your spark back with your husband by maybe remembering why you fell in love with each other, talk about the old days, remind him wedding vows are for better AND for worse. You can get through this. Maybe see a marriage counselor, but one thing is for sure, get rid of the girlfriends.
This is on him! You do not have to change yourself to make yourself more attractive to your husband. Is he exactly the same man he was when you first met? Everyone changes over time. Any changes you make need to be for you, to improve your confidence in yourself. He needs to stop seeking out other women, that is not going to help your relationship. It sounds as though he is trying to prove to himself that he is still attractive to other women. I think individual counseling for both of you, as well as marriage counseling will hopefully help you both get back to a point where you are both happy within yourselves and as a couple.
I think this is an excuse on his part. What about him seriously. You obviously accept him for who he is. You have carried his children, given birth to his children and no matter what you do, I doubt he will be attracted to you if this is what he is telling you. I think seriously he wants to be with another woman. You can do all you want on your part but I think it’s selfish and rude of him. If he can’t find the mother of his children and wife attractive then it’s his issue and I think he already made his mind up what he wants to do. So easy for the men to get rid of their women after babies and move on to something they think is better. I know several people going through this right now. They are devastating trying to raise kids while being told they are unattractive after kids and husbands trying to flirt with others to strike up flings. If my husband told me this, he would be gone. He accepts me for who I am and the mother of his children and what my body has been through or he goes. I know what I deserve
Sorry but I think he has cheated already and this is a cop out, he doesn’t want to get busted busted like it.. don’t be naive.! Why should you need to do all this for him. If anything do it for yourself. My friend had plastic surgery, Botox you name it because her husband told her the same. She lost weight, tummy tuck everything to please him and guess what he was cheating the whole time she put her body through this for him. He also went on to get another woman pregnant all while she was trying to better herself for his needs. Do it for yourself and get snooping because I say he has already cheated, don’t say he hasn’t because you don’t know and it’s possible. Don’t be naive! He has female friends he’s getting close too. Likely excuse for not wanting to get busted. Snoop all you can coz you’ll find he’s already been there all while you are here questioning yourself, it’s what he wants to distract from what he has been doing.. trust me on this. Been there done that. Know people there and going through that.
Doing all this for your husband and questioning yourself, sounds more like he has put this on you so he doesn’t get caught out for his cheating. I think hes prob already been there and this is to throw you off. I don’t think he is being as honest as you think.