Hi Mums, I need some advice please. To cut a long story short, my husband of 5 years told me he’s fallen out of love with me (and hasn’t loved me for about a year). This was a couple of weeks ago. I was utterly heartbroken, and that’s an understatement. I’m just shattered. Since the birth of our second child I was sick for about 2 years and also gained around 30kgs. I’m still struggling to claw my way back to normality and it might be irrational but I feel completely betrayed. I always thought our love would last. We’re in couples counselling but I’m not sure any progress is being made. So here is my dilemma: would you stay or would you go? This past week or so has been good, objectively; I’ve tried to be more caring, getting his breakfast and lunch, always asking if he needs anything, doing more around the house... but I feel burned out. If he doesn’t find his love again, I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t in love with me. I might be fat and I might have mental health issues but I still believe in love and I want to be loved, just as I am. How long would you wait? I feel like I’m in the awful position of having to earn/win back his love, and I honestly don’t think I’m up to the task.
Thanks everyone x
Where is the love?
Where is the love?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
5 Replies
I think it depends. If hes committed to finding his way back then it's worth the hard work.
I fell out of love with my husband for a good year or so. Things were awful and toxic between us. I had individual councelling and worked on myself (as did he) and it completely changed our marriage. This was about 3 years ago and we remain rock solid today. I will mention though. It took us a good year of hard work, fights, tears etc before we were 100% out the other side.
If hes putting in no effort, then no, you're worth the effort and you deserve more.
Also make sure that you're both working at it equally. If it's one sided it's only going in circles.
Man.... My marriage was really hard on my husband for about 6/7 years because my mental and physical health suffered terribly with kids. We've been great for years now. If he's not walking away, put in the effort to get better but know it isn't instant. If he's wanting to walk away, you need to decide whether to let him go graciously or fight if it's worth saving. But you can't ever control someone else so he would need to still be willing
Does he want to make it work? That is the most important part.
First and foremost, you need to get your mental headspace right and learn to love yourself, you don't need his love or acceptance to define you or make you whole.
I am assuming that you may have PND and potentially let the house go along with that so he has picked up a lot of the slack. I know the being a SAHM I get soooo frustrated with my hubby for not helping around the house and ultimately it would be a deal breaker in the long run. It is good that you're recognising maybe where you lacked and didn't show him appreciation/love, but at the same token don't go wasting your time if he doesn't want this to work.
Spend your time loving yourself instead of trying to make him love you! Take the time to remember what you love about yourself and wether he stays or goes will not matter and your next relationship will be stronger because you’re not filling the void of self love with someone else they’ll just be the cherry on top.
Doting on your husband and constantly trying to anticipate his needs is a lose, lose situation, if he stays he would expect that level of mothering forever and you’ll just gain an extra child, sounds exhausting to me!
This is horrible and I’m very sorry you’re going through it but you will get through it!
It’s taken me years, but I now realise there’s nothing sexier than a woman who loves herself first and foremost, and feels comfortable in her own skin. Men find this confidence irresistible. I’ve been up and down drastically in the weight department, and had those moments of insecurity. Since being single I’ve been many different sizes, worn my hair different ways, experimented with different fashion and I can honestly say the thing that has made a difference is my mindset and the confidence with which I carry myself.
So I guess my advice is you have no control over what your husband feels and believes. You’ll drive yourself crazy if you think you can force him to invest more of himself into making your marriage work. He needs to be committed to doing this. Counselling will work if both of you are actively contributing and wanting to make things work.
Best of luck with everything. Stay strong, and in the meantime you do you and let him do him xx