Hi all, thank you for your responses in regards to my “would you date and get serious with someone who doesn’t drive”.
As more of a backstory, he had his L’s when the accident occurred (he was 19) but after the accident, he hasn’t gotten into the driver’s seat again.
The reason I worry about it a lot is because he talks about us having a future and family together but I can’t help but wonder, does he expect me to do 100% of the driving forever? What if I get sick for a long period and can’t drive, who is going to take our kid/s to school and such then? Uber? Not always an option especially when they’re young :/
He does sometimes make slight comments about getting his license however I don’t know if he’s just saying this because he thinks it’s want I want to hear but then nothing gets done about it.
I just don’t know if it’s my place yet to bring up the conversation about how hard it will be to have a family if only one of us drives, when is the right time to be able to have that chat?
I should emphasise that we DO talk about the future and a family, quite often in fact, which makes me think maybe it would be ok.
At the moment he just relies on his parents to drive him everywhere and public transport.
Ladies this man is wonderful, buys me flowers, always pays for dinner, anything I want is mine basically, a true dream and who I've been waiting for I think really. But this no driving thing frightens me because no, I can't be with someone who expects me to do 100% of the driving forever, and it terrifies me he'll simply walk away, rather than get his license to be with me :(
We’ve been together a year FYI and are both 26.
16 Replies
Have you encouraged him to see a Counsellor/psychologist?
He already sees one :(
Can he not take the kids on a bus/train/taxi?
I mean in the scheme of things it doesn’t seem that big of a deal to me. It’s not what I’d call a deal breaker.
My mum didn’t get her licence until we were well into school. She just walked us everywhere and I suppose we chose where lived based on that. My grandmothers never got there licence.
As long as he can get himself where he needs to go and wants to go and can get the kids places then I just don’t see the issue.
Does he expect you to pick him up all the time? If that’s the case, then that is a problem.
I really think it is time he gets his shit together. Obviously the accident was traumatic but he needs to seek professional help in order to move forward. Unless he has a medical reason for why he can’t drive he needs to pull on his big boy pants and start taking steps to get on with it.
Do you have any experience with PTSD or anything? So many keyboard warriors in here. I'm sure if it was that easy he would have fucking done it by now.
I’ve had a bad car accident, it was scary but I got back up and kept driving, you can’t shy away from it which is what I think has happened to this lady’s partner. He just left it too long.
So because you got back in and drove after your car crash that means everyone else should be able to after theirs? Even though each car crash is different and each person is different?
Public transport is a great way to get around. If he's doing that now then why do you assume he'd stop?
Because where we live public transport isn’t all that good, hence myself and his parents driving him around a lot. When we both move out of home and move in together it would only get worse I think...
Yeah it really isn't.
It is for me!
I said no because I need a driver. That is coming from being with someone that doesn't drive. Without kids ok it's an inconvenience, with kids it's a bloody nightmare. You carry a massive load.
I would be having that conversation with him. If you're looking at the future, how does he see it working practically with getting kids around?
I don't drive due to medical reasons. I use public transport 99% of the time and it works out fine. I kinda feel like you're looking for a reason to end things? If this is the worst thing about the relationship I don't understand why you'd give that up. He sounds lovely otherwise?
I commented on your first post, now it's clear that this is more than just a lifestyle choice. I'd say that the lack of drivers licence is merely a bi-product of a much larger issue.
He sounds like a lovely guy but I am very certain this man is not ready to settle down and start a family, he has a lot of stuff to work through before I'd even consider bring a child into this relationship. Deep down, I think you know this too or you wouldn't have written in.
Have you sat down and spoken about the severity of the accident? This could give you a very good insight into why. This is not something you should be judgemental About it is apart of who he is. It's something that occured that obviously was out of his control. PTSD is a very real and big thing it's not a get over it and on with it thing. After a very serious accident myself only at the beginning of this year where my life was hanging in The balance where I could see people talking to me whom have been long gone then disappear kind of hanging on the edge of life I do not one bit blame him. It's something that either makes or breaks you. Do I see myself driving again anytime soon hell no, and if my husband judged me on that I'd be telling him to f off. Sometimes support and encouragement goes a long way. And even years after can have a very traumatic imprint.
This is a ramble, sorry if it doesn't make sense!
I would struggle with someone who didn't drive, but it didn't stop me shacking up with my (now) husband 15 years ago who, at the time, had lost his licence for 18 months for drink driving in a town with next to no public transport system. We managed with only one car for a long time after that too, even after he got his driver's license back. And I haven't left him since he lost his licence again 6 months ago (various traffic offences - mainly minor speeding fines - which piled up and took all his points), yup, I got me a good one 🤦♀️🤦♀️
Is life harder? Yes. Now we have a child. We have, until recently, been getting up an hour earlier so he can be driven to work in time for me to get the kid to school and me to work. It would be an hour from leaving work and picking up our child before we got home (and our house is 5 mins from my work and the school) because I'd have to go pick him up. If the school called and we needed to pick her up, I would have to leave work to get her. He whinged if we had to stop on the way home from work. I do all the errands because he can't. I know this situation is temporary so I deal. But if it was long term I think I'd struggle. I feel like an equal partner would contribute equally.
Interestingly, my stepson doesn't drive (he's about your age) for medical reasons and it severely limits his life - his employment opportunities, getting to see his child, in relationships. His partners have all gotten fed up with ferrying him around. It's something he has no control over and he knows he may never get a medical clearance, which is a major downer for him.
I know that PTSD/trauma is not something you can just move past, but he needs to get some independence. His parents aren't going to be around forever, and if he ends up single it's going to be a big struggle with getting to and from work and running errands. I would be gently encouraging him to work on it.