Hi ladies, I have a question. My 3.5 year old has always been strong willed-that is something I want to nuture rather than stifle. The past couple of months I've been getting reports from daycare that she is being rough with other children. Each time they tell me I speak to her about it and remind her "keep our hands to ourselves" every morning. If we are out with other children she is usually not rough, but if she is I always pull her up and discipline her. I'm just wondering what suggestions anyone has for dealing with this. I feel like I've tried everything, and it works for a few weeks and then she's at it again. The daycare is great, and they say it's not just her. They have suggested a sticker chart both at daycare and at home which we are implementing next week-they're even drawing it up so they're the same chart. They really are amazing. Is it just the age/a phase they go through? What more can I do? Please help and please be kind as I'm very upset about this behaviour, and feeling like a failure. I don't want my daughter to be a bully!
8 Replies
My son is beginning to do this with his cousin. But when I actually sat there and watched him like a hawk I realised his cousin was actually being quite sneaky and pinching, scratching or doing something else to him first.
Is there any chance the kids at day care are starting this and being sneaky about it so the day care ladies only see your daughter? I only ever saw my son doing it because instead of sooking he would retaliate and his cousin would then sook.
Maybe if the day care ladies aren't constantly watching (I'm sure they have other children to watch and can't monitor everything) you could ask them to start watching a little more to see what sets your daughter off to start doing these things? If it is just random outbursts I have no advice.
But some children can be very sneaky because the parents have used discipline so they learn to not get caught. Your daughter might just be sticking up for herself.
That is very possible. It is a very busy room and quite full the days she is there. From what I understand it's usually when they're all inside doing something together, not running in the yard. So it may be that she is defending herself rather than lashing out. She's not mean spirited girl which is why I'm having such a hard time understanding what's going on. Thank you for your advice, I'll bring it up when I drop her off on Monday.
That would be the best way. Good luck. And maybe just explain to your daughter that these things do hurt, if she is being bullied she would know this and agree with you. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with children defending themselves, because if they don't they will have a target on their head for bullies. Instead of giving her the advice of keeping her hands to herself, ask her why she is doing these things and make sure she understands that it is a serious problem and whatever she says, you will believe 100% and that's why she should not lie about these things. But you do want her side. Also get on your knees and talk to her like an adult, if you are talking to her from a higher level she may feel intimated. I have started doing this with my son and it is the only way he will listen and communicate with me.
if the day care ladies are only seeing her do things there is a chance she feels as if it's only her that gets into trouble. From both you and day care teachers. If she knows you will believe anything she says until its proven to be a lie, she may just open up to you. It may be very hard to try and tell the truth for her knowing that she has already been blamed for starting it.
good luck mumma, don't be hard on yourself, especially when day care teachers may only be seeing half of the problem! X
Also, the other children may be taking something she has been playing with first. And if you have taught her that she can't take things off other people if they are using them, she will know it is wrong and she was playing with it or using it so they shouldn't be taking it off her. Try and be more of a friend to your precious daughter until you know all the facts and if she is in the wrong, then be a parent. I think at the moment, if everyone is telling her she is in the wrong it may cause her to think "I will get the blame for it anyway so I may as well do it". Parent or best friend, you need to be by her side until the day care ladies know the full story and have seen everything first hand. Don't think she is a bully or in the wrong as of yet, she may just know right from wrong and be trying to teach other children the respect she has been taught. She sounds like a very strong hearted, independent young girl, and you don't want to lose the real her over something that might not be her fault. She also may be finding it very hard to tell you what is really going on if she isn't really good with explaining things. Patience and time to find out what is really going on. Believe in your beautiful girl until you have reasons to doubt her actions.
Thank you so much. I sat down with her this morning on her level and asked what happened. She told me one of the boys had flicked her ear which is why she was so upset. I made sure she knew I believed her and loved her. I've explained to her that there are different ways of reacting (all in 3.5 year old language of course). I'm going to speak with the ladies on Monday and ask them to keep a closer eye on what's happening with the boy, as she was able to tell me his name. We'll still implement the sticker chart to teach her how to react. Poor little thing. You're right, she's very independent and I do not ever want to squash that or make her feel as though she is a "bad girl". Thank you so much, this all really helped xx
That is excellent news! Not about the other boy, but that your daughter was able to open up to you. One step at a time, and now she will know that she can always tell you stuff without you blaming her.
well done and I hope for a good outcome of your situation xx
Hi I just wanted to let you know that my daughter had a fantastic day today! The little boy did try to hurt her, and although the ladies didn't see it she reacted appropriately and told them. No pushing, no hitting, no yelling! From the bottom of my heart thankyou so so much. I am so proud of her and so happy that we were able to work out this problem, obviously it's a day by day thing but this is extremely promising. Thankyou again! Xx
That is excellent! She sounds like a very smart little girl and you must be extremely proud :) well done mumma xxx