Just over a week ago I found out that my husband of 23 years has been having an affair for the last 7 months. The last 3 of which involved sex every week. They told each other that they were in love. When i found evidence of the affair he contacted her to end it. He says it is definitely over for them. But i have caught him out in a number of lies over the last week. I am absolutely devastated. We have 3 children together and they are devastated. We are going for marriage counselling to see if we can repair our marriage. I don't know of anyone else who has managed to have a happy marriage after such an act of betrayal. Has anyone come through something like this with their marriage intact or am I in fantasy land that it's even possible.
16 Replies
I think your in fantasy land...I’m sorry but how can you consider working it out? You deserve better.
Leave it's done.. been there the roller coaster if you stay is soo horrible and he will do it again it's a pattern.. no amount of counseling can help HIM he is a pig .. sorry to say that .. but they never learn just get better at blaming and shaming you and eventually he will leave with the bs I was never happy
Same happenes to me but non sexual. To me the emotional part was way worse then if they had sex. We survived and we are almost 3 years past this. Lots of communication and seeing a counsellor both together and separate. For me once I found out why this happened i was more willing to try again. Most people will say leave, alot told me to leave but there is no right or wrong. The thing you have to decide is if you are willing to learn to trust again (it will take alot of time). If you cant see trust happening again then leave, it will cause more issues and a relationship needs trust. Even do some counseling and make a decision what you want after.
Good luck
I feel so bad for you. Has he ended it if he continues to lie. I doubt it. I'd be moving on without him. You'll never trust him again.
No. It never works out. I've tried to reconnect after being seperated from my ex husband and I saw red flags when he started to get comfortable. I was never going to go through that again.
If it had been a once off, perhaps it might work out however even so, it would take a LOT of work and it will take years before you can trust him again. The fact is though, this man you thought you knew, who made a commitment to you 23 years ago, lied and betrayed you for 7 months. Do you really want to be with someone who is capable of causing that kind of pain? Really evaluate what you think you deserve in this situation because this absolutely 100% will continue to effect you for years to come. If you chose to try to work on it, be prepared to tear yourself apart trying to figure out what’s wrong with you (the fault is not with you by the way), you will question your worth constantly, you will question him constantly. Every time his phone goes off, be prepared to be filled with anxiety. It is not a life I would wish upon anyone. I get that you have built a life with this man but you do not deserve the heartache this will continue to cause. I’m so sorry this has happened to you and good luck with whichever road you choose ❤️
I can’t tell you how we did it, but my partner and I came through the other side. You just have to want to. And I would suggest time apart. We seperated for six months and took that time for me to get over it and come to terms with what had happened.
There is a fb support group for this. After the affair. Very safe place to talk.
Hello, firstly I’m so sorry this happened to you. This is an awful position to be in and there are so many unknowns that no one on here can answer for you. You and your husband need to think and feel this one through.
A) Why did he feel the need to look outside of marriage? What has been been missing for him and can you get that back?
B) If you both decide you want this marriage to work and move forward- can you let go, forgive and not hold it over him?
C) Were you happy in this marriage prior to this happening- is it a marriage worth fighting for. Think back to the good times, who you were and who he was and how you interacted. Can you bring that back or have you both changed?
Don’t live for hope, live for reality but accept that mistakes do happen and some people deserve to be forgiven for those. This is your choice and don’t let the affair determine who you are or how your marriage turns out.
Sending hugs xx
Im wondering why your kids know about it. Kids should be kept out of adult situations, i wish I didn't know about my mum's affairs.
That would be a deal breaker for me. Disrespectful pig. While you are hard at work being mum to your 3 kids. He’s off having fun with another woman. Don’t believe what he tells you. They all say what you want to hear coz they are busted!! Don’t trust him or another word he says.
Don’t believe him. They are still in contact.!!
i'm so very sorry but the marriage is dead.
there is no saving this you'll never trust him again
please for you own mental health do not drag this out and try and save it
you need to start the grieving now rather than prolonge it
You and your kids deserve so much better than to battle a fight you're going to lose
i'm so very sorry but the marriage is dead.
there is no saving this you'll never trust him again
please for you own mental health do not drag this out and try and save it
you need to start the grieving now rather than prolonge it
You and your kids deserve so much better than to battle a fight you're going to lose
We had been together almost 11 years when I found out he’d been having an affair for 2 years! It started when I was heavily pregnant. I was shattered as we were “the couple”. We never faught , he treated me like a queen, people used to look at us and pretend to be sick because our relationship was so perfect.
I told him I would never make him stay somewhere he wasn’t happy, I gave him the option to leave without implications. He called it off with her and of course that started a shit storm of its own.
We struggled through the next 3 months, no trust, loads of resentment and endless hurt I had to work through.
I told him I didn’t think we could recover from this, I had too much pain and anger. He suggested counseling. We went to a marriage counsellor a few times and laid it all out. We learnt that we still had that rock solid foundation, it was just shaken and it made our dreams and everything we worked towards, tumble. We made a conscious decision to rebuild and work at it.
18 mths later we married and are stronger than we have ever been.
I’d be lying if I said I never have doubts. We have rebuilt a lot of that trust but he knows I’m still insecure in some situations and he does everything to ease my worries.
Second chances are not for everyone, and it’s easy for outsiders to tell you to leave but it’s you who has to live with your decision. You both have to want it for it to work. I wasn’t prepared to throw away a huge chunk of my life without giving it all I had. Relationships are hard work. Walking away is easy.
You are better than that and worth so much more kick his ass to the curb 7 months is a long time that's not just an affair that almost a whole other relationship he doesn't deserve you or your forgiveness as much as your hurting right now you will never trust him again move on you don't deserve to be betrayed like that!!!