Relationship and connection

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here. I married my best friend. We've been married for 13 years and we've been together for 20 years. We have two young kids. My partner is the nicest person anyone can know. He will do anything or a friend and others. He is a great dad to his children. His children adore him. He works hard, provides for the family and does stuff around the house (cooks and cleans).

While there are so many upsides I feel like the connection and love in our relationship is non-existent. I've tried over and over and over. We've spoken about it, I've shared my feelings, we've gone through relationship counselling a few times to work on our communication and connection. We are still seeing a counsellor.

When he gets annoyed he stonewalls and gets passive. I stonewall too. We go though cycles of not talking to each other. He knows I need to feel connected to him but he withdraws.

I'm beginning to feel like he does this deliberately to hurt me. While he is the nicest bloke to everyone he knows, sometimes he can be insensitive with the things he says to me. I used to feel secure in this relationship. I don't anymore.

I need the love and connection and I now feel neglected in this relationship. My partner was sexually abused as a young boy. I'm not sure if this is the reason he withdraws. He withdraws even when things are good between us.

He travels a lot for work and I juggle my work and the kids. He spends his weekends watching sport and cooking. Most days or weeks I don't even get a pat on my back or a kiss on my cheek. I feel alone and isolated in this relationship. He's content going about his stuff, cooking, listening to music, talking to his friends, living in his own world, quietly by himself and connecting with me once or twice a month when he feels the need for physical intimacy. When he talks to me 99% of the time it is about how spending our money, the expenses, chores and responsibilities. When I want the physical intimacy he is busy with work.

He spends heaps of time on his phone in the bathroom. He is addicted to his phone. He has strong connections with his friends, meeting up with them regularly. We go out once a years maybe on Valentines day.

He tries to control my spending $$$ and literally asks every single time what I'm going to spend. It annoys me no end because I'm responsible and I feel like he enjoys the control .

For a few years now I've been having nitemares that there is another person in this relationship and that he is having an affair. It feels like my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I generally pick up on stuff quite easily. There is no signs of an affair and I can't explain why I have dreams that he is having one. It is quite upsetting to the extent when he says he's suddenly working late or going out with friends unplanned I'm questioning what's going on. One time I saw a packet of condoms drop out off his travel bag but then I may have made a mistake because when I asked him why there were condoms in his travel bag he told me it really wasn't the case and I was being ridiculous. When he travelled internationally for work recently I felt like someone was in the room when he was talking to me. When I questioned him he told me it was the cleaning staff and couldn't believe that I was doubting him. One night I was working late on the couch and felt like he was having a conversation with someone on the phone quite late. When I asked him he told me he was listening to music. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. Not sure if the insecurity is an older woman thing that women feel as they age.

Please don't tell me to walk away as I really want to do what's best for my kids. Although I do feel like walking away most days as it's a total mental F!@#!

I want to know if it's normal to feel isolated, neglected and insecure in a relationship. I also want to know if anyone hired a private detective on a hunch and found out that what they were dreading came true.