Hi all,
My 14 year old daughter is coming to live with me and my partner full time shortly. She has only ever come for short visits during school holidays due to relocation etc.
During these times I pretty much did not expect a lot from her. I treated it as a holiday and never expected her to do chores etc.
Now her dad is saying he is wanted to leave Australia for work and I don't mind her coming to live with us but I know it is 1. going to be a big change for her (state relocation, new school etc) and don't want to put a lot of pressure on her HOWEVER we have young children.
What are age appropriate chores and rules I can enforce for her without pushing her away?
16 Replies
I’d ask her dad what current expectations are. That way you have a good idea what she is used to.
If she is used to doing nothing then your expectations are going to have to be low.
My then 14 year old, had to put his own dirty dishes in the dishwasher, unload the clean dishwasher, cook the occasional meal, wash his own clothes and clean his own room, plus more.
“I don’t mind her coming to live with us”, I really hope you didn’t use those words in front of her.
I can’t believe the main thing on your mind is chores....
Your own child is coming back to live with you, your daughter, some excitement wouldnt go astray.
The new family doesn’t cancel out the old one, she’s still your daughter. Main thing you need to do is make her feel like a member of the family, forget the us business, she should always be your family. Good luck.
Who says that's her main concern? Just because it's all she asked advice for doesn't mean that's her only priority, just that it's the only thing she wants help with from this forum.
Ask her what she does at Dad's then in the first few weeks of her living there sit down together and write a family roster. My teenagers do their own washing and actually like it, they hate me doing it because they can't find anything 😂. Just don't have her doing more than her fair share, get the younger ones to help too or there could be some resentment.
I’d start with a psychologist. She maybe super angry at uprooting her life. 1st mum left her behind and now dad is. Seems to be a lot of selfish adults in this occasion!
Where does it say Mum left her behind?
Yeah, I didn’t read anywhere that mum left her behind.
Clearly says mum relocated interstate
She was most likely given the option to go with mum or stay with dad. Kids can chose what parent they want to stay with
Actually it doesn't specifically say mum relocated, it just says mum has daughter during holidays due to relocation. Given that dad seems to move around some for work, it's quite possible he was the one who relocated!
A lot of people have taken your post and ran with it. So many assumptions and judgements based off a couple of sentences 🤦♀️
Look, I think while you're all still transitioning I'd just expect her to pick up after herself/ keep her room relatively hygienic, to help out with simple tasks when asked (ie, help bring in the groceries, peel spuds, set table etc) and just generally being respectful and aware in the living space.
Then once everyone has settled, then you all should sit down, negotiate and compromise to come to an agreement you all feel is fair.
Can I just make a suggestion though as the oldest sibling in my family.
Don't treat babysitting, little kid entertaining etc as an obligation. If she wants to do it (and is responsible enough) then allow her that opportunity but don't expect it.
Being treated like an unpaid childcare worker is one thing I hugely resent.
Couldn’t agree with this more! Perfect advice. I was also the oldest and hated being treated like a live in baby sitter. My mother thought it was fantastic that I could stay home and look after her two younger kids while she went out on the weekends. But it ended up being me pretty much raising the two little ones while she had a great time and I was treated like a live in maid/ nappy from 10-16
Thank you everyone for your defense.
For everyone whose business it seems to be 1. Her dad and I split when she was 8. She had the choice to stay with myself (who stayed in the family home) or move with her dad. I was always the "bad cop" and her dad the "good cop". Who would you choose? 2. She has never been expected to do anything with her father. He is on big money and given $100 p/week for pocket money and to do whatever she wants. I have been notified that she has tried weed, possibly been having sex and god knows what else. 3. After this was found out (approximately 8 months ago) I went to see a lawyer and we started mediation which ended badly (done via Skype and calls) and went to court. This is when I foudn out he was leaving Australia and said to me "I'm done with her now. You can do the hard part".
I allowed my daughter to go with her dad as it was her choice and at the time I thought it was best.
I would have her doing most things for herself except the evening meal, then family jobs like dishes, vacuuming etc. Have a list of jobs she can do that she can get paid for like lawn mowing, babysitting, car washing, weeding, scrubbing the bathroom etc. Rules I would impose are not to be walking after dark and she needs to tell you where she is all the time. Other rules you will probably work out as you go. WiFi is a good punishment for teenagers. Take her to a female doctor every 6 months for a check up and if she has any questions because if you guys aren't close she may not feel comfortable talking to you about sex, periods etc.
Doesn’t matter how she ended up where or with who, it matters about your attitude NOW. I don’t mind her living with us.....urghh....
Thank you everyone else for your messages :)