Hi All
For starters please know I am a very kind hearted woman with strong morals that absolutely adores my husband of 20 years. We are known as a rock solid, madly in love “power” couple to those we know.
Mostly when we were first together I lied to him and fabricated stories about my past relationships and what I had got up to sexually with other men before him. I was terrified of his judgement and for him not to want to be with me if he knew (my past isn’t really that bad) but I was embarrassed and ashamed about it and didn’t want him to know.
This has meant that my husband always believed we had shared many firsts in the bedroom and felt he was on a pedestal which was great for his ego as he is very self conscious and has many insecurities. I wanted so badly for all of my firsts to be with him.
Recently one of the lies come out in the wash and I was exposed. This tore him apart as he felt our whole sex life was a lie. He feels he cannot trust me (this is the only thing I have ever lied about) and has since started questioning me about so many details of my past and what I got up to wanting the TRUTH. I haven’t hesitated in answering his questions as at the moment I feel I would do anything to make this better for him. More lies have been exposed during this process. He is at breaking point and will barely speak to me. He’s been angry, called me names and is now saying he wants to move out. The only thing stopping him is he has nowhere to go and can’t afford it in the interim.
We have had other arguments over the years and he is quite extreme when he is angry then settles over the coming days.
I’m just so scared, petrified even. We have built the most beautiful life together and are otherwise madly in love and very happy. He is my world, my everything.
I also suffer from bi Polar, it’s not an excuse for this but possibly a contributing factor.
Our hearts are shattered right now. It’s such a sad time for us. I know what I have done is terrible.
Does anyone have any advice for me? Please go easy on me I am beyond devastated xx
23 Replies
But it’s your past... before he met you. Why would he care so much?
No, you shouldn’t have lied, but why is it such a big deal to him?
No advice other than complete transparency going forth
It sounds like she's lied to him about their experiences, I can understand why he feels manipulated and stupid.
All men care about this issue whether they admit it or not. This issue is especially important for first time marriages. Studies have shown less intelligent men are less bothered by this and more intelligent men are more bothered by it. As for me my first marriage was to the girl I loved more than life itself. We were both 17 when we met and 19 when we got married. When she told me about her sorted past I was suicidal. I thought this would pass after a few months or even a year max. But it has been the first thing I think that pops into my mind when I wake up. When I sleep I dream about it. It has made me very sick now in my 50s stillvery much in love with my wife but my mental and emotional state has had terrible effect on her and has totally ruined our marriage. Neither of us have been unfaithful to one another but we both realize this cannot be fixed.
Everyone leaves stuff out when they meet someone new. We all sell the person we want to be, kind of like a CV. You don’t put that time you did stupid shit, you put in your high points.
He seems to have lost perspective and hopefully he gains some in coming days.
I would actually encourage you to get some marriage counselling, as a marriage that relies on you having to stroke his ego isn’t as picture perfect as you portray. It sounds like you’ve had to do a lot of overcompensating for his insecurities for the last 20years in order to avoid some pretty extreme reactions from him.
Please post this on Facebook, I think it will be beneficial to the poster.
This is a bit strange of him, who cares what you did? I think we all tell white lies or leave out information when it comes to past sex lives. My husband and I have never discussed our sex lives before but he did tell me that he and his ex had not had sex for over a year before they split but that was just to give me an idea of how their relationship had ended. Not that I needed to know. Your husband sounds a bit childish to be making such a big deal about this.
I have to admit that if my partner lied to me about being his first in many ways then 20 years later I found out it was all bullshit I would be pretty upset as well. It wouldn’t have much to do with the firsts but the effort it took to keep your past covered up for so long. I can definitely see why he is hurt and is questioning what else you have lied about. Little lies tend to turn into bigger lies over time. It would be hard to trust somebody that he has fabricated a past just to make them selfs look better. I would be looking at councillors for couples and single sessions.
Sorry I have no sympathy for him, the past is the past, everyone has a past and its over! His ego is bruised, so immature thinking about breaking up your marriage because of this. You obviously lied to him because you knew he couldn’t handle the truth. He needs to build a bridge and get over it! Absolutely childish!
No it’s not, so if a person is a muderer in the past and now a changed man will it be okay?? A person’s past choices and actions describe their mindset and character and people who sleep around are highly likely to be unfaithful and in this case their relationship is built on lies, so if your past is trash marry someone who can accept it but don’t bloody lie about it
So you lied to him for many years obviously elaborating on those lies when talking about firsts and you're wondering why his upset? I would be too! I would be wondering what else you've lied about. I think the excuse that 'we all leave stuff out and it's in the past' is actually very hypocritical. A lie is a lie and it's not like you've been together for 2 years - it's been 20 which suggests to me that you would have had many opportunities to correct him/come clean and from what you've said in your post this isn't a matter of telling him you've had 2 partners when you've actually had 6 they seem like you have lied about special things that are important to him. You need to earn back trust - be an open book. As a previous poster said maybe some counselling could help. Good luck
Similar happened in my marriage however it was my husband who did the lying. He exaggerated things quite extensively and after 6 years he told the truth. It hurt because we’d been exploring our sex life together and navigating things and quite frankly, it was based on lies. I was under the impression one thing and it just wasn’t it.
Yes the past is the past but my views on him wouldn’t have changed if I knew the truth all along. I only cared because for 6 years I was under an illusion that was clearly fabricated. His dishonesty does make me question sometimes just what else he has lied about and whether or not the things we did were as good as he said they were etc.
I see a few red flags here, the power couple term, the fact you felt the need to portray yourself in a certain light for him to accept you and now the fact that his ego is so bruised by past lovers. Forget how you’re perceived by others as a couple, that isn’t important, what’s important is how you are behind closed doors.
What stands out to me is that all those years ago you felt the need to lie. I honestly think that speaks volumes about the basis of your relationship, his ego and your self esteem. I also think this stemmed from a level of shame, 20 years ago was far less progressive than today in terms of women's sexual empowerment. Women were still held to archaic standards and slut shaming was still pretty rife.
I feel that all of this suggests that you're not the rock solid power couple you think you are - that's merely the image you guys put out into the world. You need to worry less about your perception and actually take off your rose coloured glasses and examine your relationship for what it is and I think there's a few problems.
Marriage counselling is needed asap. The issues seem to go far deeper than your lie.
He's overreacting far too much. I don't feel she bold faced lied. Our sex lives before our current partners are often watered down or omitted all together. In my genuine humble opinion, I think he's blown it out of the ground of common sense. It was far too long ago and yet hes carrying on like shes cheated during the marriage just this week. He's behaving ludicrously.
It feels like being cheated on everyday. This may not make sense but for the person suffering it is very real.
Hi all
I am the poster, things have been very up and down, he has lost 9kgs in just over a week, is barely functioning and riddled with crippling hurt. So this is very real for him.
We have established that my lies go further than this. What I think is a little white lie (no I didn’t have a nap, when I really did) is contributing to the overall trust factor.
I have made up stories and convinced myself that they are the truth to portray to him a better version of myself.
I feel this is behavioural, not sure if bi polar is a contributing factor, and now I have been made aware and the gravity of it I can take my time and answer truthfully.
He says he has lost his best friend, lover, wife and mother of his kids over this and I seriously have never seen him upset like this.
He says he closes his eyes when driving with exhaustion and lack of care until he thinks of the kids. It’s really worrying.
I’ve been completely transparent and will continue to be.
He is now doing what an untrusting husband will sometimes do. Going through my phone and Facebook messages. I’m completely ok with this as I know I haven’t stepped a foot out of line there. He’s not wanting me to touch him, but has let me back in the bed even resulting in him sleeping on the couch half way through the night. I’m just in a space of going along with anything he needs to do right now.
At this point I’m just encouraging him to be on speaking terms (the minimal to keep the kids from knowing what is going on) it is extremely tense.
I would love nothing more than to mend this. People learn to re trust someone right? I’ve never wanted anything to go right so badly in my life! Absolutely guttered for him. The hurt we are both going through is horrendous.
I owe him so much right now.
Thank you for your responses, I’ve taken it all on board.
Im going to put it out there, may be completely ludicrous, but the pathological lying, trying to rewrite history in your mind to suit your own narrative, the power couple words, the caring about how you are perceived by others, the broken spouse, he is emotionally numb and exhausted.....could you be a bit narcissistic?
Everyone tells little white lies, nobody is a totally open book. Yes I think the OP has issues but her partners total breakdown tells me he has his own major issues too!
Throwing the narcissistic term around is ridiculous.
Have you ever lived with a women with bipolar? They ARE pathological liers and Narcissistic. Living with a person that rewrites their life and lies to suit how they want to be seen by the outside world is exhausting.
Bipolar is not linked to lying, it’s linked to highs and lows, psychotic episodes, risk taking whilst manic. This sounds much more like a cluster b personality disorder. Yes, I have very close, intimate knowledge of bipolar. It’s usually people who have bipolar that are abused. As soon as I read the power couple comment I thought urghhhh this is not a person I would want in my life. Narcissists love to be seen as power couples. Anyhoo, if she’s a narc, she’s not going to see it anyway, by definition of the disorder, everything is everybody else’s fault.
I feel for the husband, sounds like she’s broken him as all narcs do. Been there, done that, I pray for him.
I also love how she says he’s very insecure, being married to a narc for years does that to a person.
Oh for fuck sake you have a past before him just as he does before you. He has no damn right to know your past if you don't want to share same goes for him. He is carrying on like a spoilt brat and over reacting. He has bigger issues. To those of you carrying on about her being a narcissist grow up not every little thing that is given as a sign makes a person one. You can not define a person from their past, you can only define a person as they live in the present.
I’m in the exact same situation, like exact! Can I ask how are you two now? Are you both in therapy? Has it helped? Are you on the healing mend?
He is not upset that you have a past and the past is just that. The reason he is so upset is that you lied and fabricated stories to make him feel good when in turn it ended up making him feel stupid. You never had to disclose your past but feeding information that is not true to him over time is what breaks a person. It’s not the sexual acts he is upset about it’s the betrayal that is destroying him. Sexual habits, substance abuse, criminal history is something a person should have a grasp on about the person they are calling their forever. If you omit information and it surfaces (and it always does) it kills any trusting bond and makes the betrayed feel trapped into not knowing all the information to be able to make their own choices in life.