My husband wants no more children. We have 3. The thing is i want one more. I dont feel complete, i have felt like this and discussed it with husband for 3 yrs. I gave space he hasnt changed his mind. I have been ro canceling and it didnt help. Im starting to resent my husband as its hurting me so much. How do i move forward? Will these feelings go away? His reasons to me are things that are small and i feel can beworked around. Money, time, bigger car.. they dont seem that big to me. How do i accept this decision he has made for us?
13 Replies
A no always outweighs a yes. you have spoken about it for 3 years, he still doesn’t want more..his mind is not going to change. Either move on or move out
You under estimate how difficult it is raising a child that you didn’t want. He is just done.
If you feel incomplete you need to re-examine yourself. You should never be reliant on an external source to ‘complete’ you.
Many, many people don’t have the number of children they wished for, for various reasons. They get through it, because they choose to get through it.
I always thought three, I have one. Three didn’t happen. I could have chosen to focus on what I didn’t have and made myself miserable. Instead I chose to move forward, focus on a future, make a new dream and love what I have.
No means No. And yet you resent him for it. It's so wrong you are taking this out on him, that poor man. Seems like your counseling sessions were not enough. You may need more.
It's natural to feel maternal but not to the point of taking it out on other's when you don't get your own way. Having a baby takes two decisions, not one.
Also, focus on the kids you already have. They are missing out because you are so invested in putting a fourth child before all of them by sleeping and breathing this topic to the point of it mentally affecting you. You can't possibly parent them while being this unhealthily focused.
Having a child because you don't feel 'done' is such a bizarre concept to me. What if you have one more and still don't feel done? You could end up with 10 kids and still not feel done! Wanting a baby to 'complete you' is a lovely thought I guess but far more needs to go into such a life altering decision than just plain desire!
Your husband's points are really valid, I'm sorry but they're not just small little side steps, they are big hurdles. A car to accommodate 4 children is a big expense. Adding another person to the family is a big ongoing expense, you've got to feed, clothe, educate this child and that's just the bare necessities. It's not considering birthdays, Christmases, extra curricular activities, swimming lessons, daycare fees and all the other miscellaneous expenses.
I also wonder if he may be the main income provider, if he is I can absolutely understand how the thought of all that would sound pretty unappealing.
Having time for a 4th child is also a big issue, I'm stretched pretty thin with 3. Between work, school, kids activities/parties/play dates - I barely get a moment to myself, let alone quality time with hubby. As it stands at the moment, actually getting quality one on one time with the kids is hard too.
I think the best way to find acceptance is to really hear hubby's reasoning. It tells me that he's a good dad because he's prioritising the three children who are already here and he doesn't want to do a disservice to those 3 kids and another potential child by struggling financially, emotionally, practically etc.
I think it's also helpful to consider if you actually want another member of the family, or do you just want a baby?
I know that sounds stupid but there's a differentiation.
There are people that never feel done.
Put your energy into being a great mum to your 3.
Adding an extra child is a big ask. I think your being unreasonable tbh
You’ve been to counselling and it hasn’t helped so I doubt anything any of us say will help you to accept it. You probably need further counselling and possibly marriage counselling.
Practise gratitude for what you do have.
Single mum with one here, did I expect to get divorced, did I expect to only have one?
No, but I’m still happy and grateful for what I’ve got.
Do you work or have hobbies?
You need to refocus your attention.
A no is a no, I have respect for your husband, he knows what he can handle, financially and emotionally.
I’m too busy with the daily struggle to sit around dreaming about more kids.
You need to get over yourself to be honest.
A no outweighs a yes.
I am not having anymore kids. I don’t care what my partner says. If that’s a dealbreaker, then he can leave.
Just like you can leave if you can’t get over yourself.
His reasons are VERY valid.
They’re HUGE things, not piddly little things like you’re making it out to be.
If you’re a stay at home mum, and he provides, how stressed do you think he’d be with ANOTHER mouth to feed for 18 more years.
Enjoy the kids you do have. You may NEVER get the “I’m done/complete” feeling, even with 4,5,6,7+ kids. So why not stop whilst your husband is content.
Imagine having a 4th when your husband really doesn’t want one.
Can you provide for 4 kids on your own?
Because that’s where this story ends up far too often.
I want another. Partner doesn’t/ didn’t. Our daughter is now 7yrs old and the thought of not having another kills me. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. (2 kids) we split late last year. I’ll be trying again this year (child to sperm donor and in lesbian relationship)
I have two children from a previous relationship, and he has been Daddy since my youngest was 18 months old. Since the day we met, I told him I wanted more kids and if he wasn’t wanting kids, then that’s a deal breaker, thankfully he was adamant he wanted kids.
8.5 years later he doesn’t want kids and I HATE him for it. He is so adamant that he doesn’t want any that we haven’t had sex in years.
So I feel your pain... no words of advice though except concentrate on the positives.
Your career, your home, your future and the kids you already have.
You resent him for not wanting to bring another child into the world? That's a pretty strong feeling for something you should be understanding about. You said he's given you reasons, and they seem extremely valid!
How would you feel if it were opposite and he was forcing this on you and hated you because you didn't want another child?
Also you have 3 children already. Be grateful. For the 3 you have. Some people can't even have one.
How do you accept his decision? The simple answer is, you just accept it. Or leave. If you feel that strongly about having another child or 2 or 3 or 7 thats what you need to do. Keep in mind, that "complete" feeling may never come.
Maybe you can try and volunteer somewhere to help children/babies. Maybe that might help you.
Respect his decision. A no outweighs a yes. I don't know the ages of your 3 children but my second and youngest has just started high school. The costs are HUGE. School fees, 2 laptops, year 7 and 10 camp, school uniforms, booklists, plus the sporting activities and runners, brand name socks and shoes. Don't underestimate the costs. Split your time and love amongst the 3 you have.
I have 2 and hubby has 2 and both of us said we'd love to have more. Now with 4 kids between us I'd still love another but he says no. But as they grow I am focusing on what I do have and whilst I still would love another one I have accepted it may never happen. The hardest part though was when he said to me "now is not the right time and if you fall pregnant we will be getting rid of it". I totally respect his reasoning and in the back of my mind I understand (and sometimes now i have started agreeing) but there is still a part of me that feels like if it happens even though we have measures in place to stop it then it's meant to be and I just have to trust that the universe has a plan and if it's right it will happen and if not then I appreciate what I have and be the best mum I can be for them.
As hard as it is I do respect his point of view and do not want to bring a child into this world unless hubby is fully on board and wants it too and if he doesn't then we are better off focusing on the 4 we do have.
It's taken me a long time though to accept.