Hi IMs, I’m in such a rough spot at the moment. I’m 24 years old. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years. We have our own house together, pay bills together and have a dog together (we have been doing this for the last 4 years). We love each other immensely! He is someone who is only affectionate behind closed doors and is quite the “tough” dude in public. He would do anything for anyone! He is that person! Firstly, my mum and dad have a bit of a weird relationship (always doing everrryyything together - according to them, it isn’t normal to have personal interests). My boyfriend and I do some things on our own such as me going to a 10 day spa retreat and he went away for snowboarding for 2 weeks. We both know that he couldn’t sit still for 10 days and I hate the cold. It only made sense to enjoy these things individually! This really makes our relationship strong as we can be a couple and do things individually as well.
My problem is, my mum and dad are convinced my boyfriend has cheated me or wants to cheat on me. I know 99% that he would never do this (that may sound naive, but he doesn’t even know what flirting is). And all his friends tell me how much he doesn’t shut up about me when they go out. When I confront my parents as to why they think this, all I get in return is “I just know”. There is no evidence or anything! My dad cheated on my mum around the same age as I am now... and I swear they are convinced I am doomed for the same outcome as them. They always tell me to break up with him so he can realise what he had... I feel soo upset for my boyfriend as he bends over backwards to do things for them (free building labour at their house) and in return they go around telling people (not even me!) what they think he is up to! The worst thing is, they treat him so nicely to his face and then bitch behind his back! I think it might have something to do with the fact that it’s been 7 years and no proposal commitment from his end. And there may be pressure from my parents friends asking when he will pop the question. He isn’t ready to settle down and he knows once he is married the next thing is kids and he isn’t interested in rushing anything! We are only young! I don’t know how to handle this! Or what to do. Is this something new? Or are they stuck in an older era? What are your thoughts?
6 Replies
1- 7 years together is a commitment. Marriage doesn’t mean anything.
2- I would be telling your parents to butt out and back off then distancing yourself from them. Do you want to lose your partner because your parents keep running around town bagging him out.
Your mother sounds very insecure about her own relationship.
Also wanted to add, the fact that you guys have the kind of relationship that allows you both to still be able to spend time apart and do things that you enjoy separately is the sign of a strong and trusting relationship. As you said, down the track kids are in the cards. Enjoy your you time now, once you have kids the time to spend time alone with your partner is few and far between let alone you both being able to spend time alone to do something you enjoy. I wish we could get away for a 10 day spa retreat 😂
My partner and I have been together for ages and we live together have a house and pay bills and we aren’t married doesn’t mean he’s cheating on me
It means we don’t need to be married
Tell your rents to butt out
How dare they. That is disgusting behaviour on their part. I’m not one to want to create an issue with my parents but I have had times I have had to take a very firm stand and ask them to stop. Ultimately once they realised all they were achieving was damage to my relationship with them they did cease.
You need to tell them to stop, because you won’t be able to continue a relationship with them if they don’t start respecting your partner.
At the moment there are no kids involved, but can you imagine those kinds of comments getting back to your children and the damage that would do.
Your relationship sounds perfectly normal and exactly what I'd expect from a couple of 24 year olds!
I actually think you should give yourselves a pat on the back for creating what seems to be a healthy and mature relationship, especially given the example your parents have set! Their relationship sounds toxic, possessive, dysfunctional and completely unhealthy!
That said, if your parents were my potential inlaws. I'd be thinking long and hard about whether I wanted to spend the rest of my life being accused of cheating simply because I didn't want to spend every waking minute with my spouse. I'd be contemplating if I wanted to even bring kids into the situation as it stands. But, that's my perspective as someone who's already lived through having monster in-laws.
So my very real advice to you, if you don't want this to impact your relationship (and it will eventually if things keep going this way), put your parents in their place!
"Mum, Dad - I have different relationship values to you. Accept that. If you cannot be supportive. If you do not stop accusing my partner of being unfaithful and spreading untruths about him, the relationship you have with me is done!".