My in laws have a family group chat and invited my husband to join. I also joined as I thought I'm part of the family and I'd like to be involved. My in laws have approached my husband to let him know that I'm not welcome in the group chat.
I expected my husband to say, fine that's your choice, but she is my wife and I will not stay in the group chat. However, he instead told me not to join and has stayed in the chat group.
I've always felt like an outsider and am constantly put second to my in laws by my husband. He doesn't think it's a big deal, and doesn't understand why I'm upset.
Am I being unreasonable wanting him to leave the chat? How can I make him understand how much this hurts me. How can I not resent always coming second to them?
22 Replies
That is really hurtful, but I don’t think you should expect him to leave the chat group.
Who is in the group? Is it extended family?
Yes all extended family except for me. I am trying to not let them be a wedge between us, but it is hard.
I posted below, that’s different if all the others are included, and a bit rude of hubby to not stand up for you.
I think it’s quite odd that they’ve done this, but obviously they’ve got their reasons. Please try and not let it upset you any further.
My BILs wouldn’t want to be included in our family group chat, just like It hasn’t occurred to my dad to be in my mums family chat.
Being an in law is just different.
It’s the same as I don’t just message my BILs about anything I’d always message my sisters (except for opinions on what to buy my sisters).
We all get along well and I love my BILs and highly respect them.
It’s just like sometimes it’s fantastic to catch up just us, without the in laws. It’s just different.
PS I just read your response, I’d be hurt to and hubby should be standing up for you. Your situation is totally different to my situation.
If it’s for family it would be used for family talk. Your an in-law big difference. It’s childish to expect him to leave a family conversation because your not included. Your husband married you, doesn’t mean you need to be a part of all their family things
I agree if it was family, however all the other in law partners are allowed in it
Maybe because you seem really childish?
That’s a pretty harsh comment. It’s a hard thing to be excluded from anything let alone something that extended family is included in.
Edited to say I’m not the original poster🙂.
Yes I agree that the family will have their reasons, but it still wouldn’t be pleasant.
They obviously have their reasons to not want you to be apart of the conversation. And the fact that you expect your husband to leave a family discussion for you speaks volumes about your character. You are coming across childish and really high maintenance. Pick your battles and maybe take a step back and look at your own behaviour. It may have a lot more to do with your attitude than theirs.
It absolutely speaks to her character. It says she is a naturally open hearted and loyal person and therefore feels hurt when a person that loves her doesn't show the same loyalty. She's not asking him to cut his family off. She's expecting him to stand up to them for being bitchy.
I realise that this is probably the straw that broke the camels back and I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings at all but I would try and let this one slide because, well, it's only a group chat. Save your energy for the big battles!
Unless they're using this platform to talk trash about you or as a way to arrange family events so they can specifically exclude you, then you're not missing anything and no decent husband would allow that to occur anyway. If that is the sort or thing your husband tolerates, then I'm sorry to say, Sweetheart - the inlaws are not the problem, he is!
Just as a side note though, it can be really tough being in your husband's position.
You want to support your spouse, you want to have their back but you also don't want to alienate yourself from your family because they're your external support system. I've been there and there's often no winning, the whole rock and a hard place if you will.
It can cause resentment too, I mean, you're getting pushed into an impossible position from both directions by people you love and don't want to uspet. It can be relentless and cause a lot of inner turmoil.
I know you're hurt and you have every right to be, I'm just saying that it might be worthwhile trying to see things from hubby's perspective.
Thank you, I appreciate your insight and will definitely consider it deeply. I appreciate you not attacking me unlike the previous responder
You're welcome, I know what it feels like being pounced on from simply asking a question here so I always try and give my thoughts honestly but respectfully. I hope I helped anyway.
Navigating In laws can be tricky, especially in families that are super tight and not particularly welcoming so good luck with it all!
Soundclike crappy in laws to me. Crappy of your husband too honestly. Frankly, I find family chats more annoying than anything and wouldn't care. But your family is his and vice versa. I include new boyfriends and girlfriends of siblings and cousins etc in things for my family... if the relationship lasts, they'll be family anyway so may as well start the relationship on a positive note.
Did anyone else play "clubs" at school? When you and your friends would create a club and one person wouldn't want someone to join so there would be a rule made up that excluded them, like nobody whose name starts with M. This is what this post reminded me of. So very childish.
I actually think your in-laws are being really childish.
But as in my case the less contact the better hehe. Let hubby manage his side. And be free.
If this is the type of people they are don’t be upset your excluded rejoice! Find your people.
So they've included other inlaws except for you? How childish. I would be offended too, exclusion is bullying. Ask them directly what you have done to them?
I would block them all including husband. Yeah childish but it would make me feel 100x better 😂
But really, are they gossiping about you? What would their reason be for excluding you but not anyone else? I would definitely block.
I think it very unreasonable to ask him to leave the chat.
Its also really unreasonable that that are excluding you so much BUT i wouldn't stoop to their level and make your husband leave.
There must be some unresolved issues regarding you and his family for them to not be inclusive if they include the other in-laws but that wasnt really the topic of your post or your question.
I do think its unreasonable to ask him to leave. But i think it would be a good idea for you to sit down and chat to him about how much it hurts, that you dont want to be included now and that its his right to stay in the chat but that you always feel like an outcast ect and that maybe he needs to stick up for you a little more as you always feel second.
Wow i clearly go against the grain here.
In my marriage we are extremely united.. i would never allow my husband to be excluded in anything however this has been the way from the very beginning, and it goes both ways in my marriage.
If the other in-laws have been included i think that its very mean, its like school all over again 😒 very immature. But i do think this is something your husband would need to deal with, not you. You both clearly need to sit down and have a proper conversation about why it has hurt your feelings, because it sounds like theres more to the story. You both need to come to a understanding about where you’d like to fit in with his family vice versa and go from there.