Okay, I have to get this out as I feel I don’t know who else to talk to..
Firstly, I don’t at all mean to offend anyone who can’t have children or doesn’t agree with why I feel how I feel..
I know I am amazingly lucky, I have 2 beautiful boys.
My hubby doesn’t want any more kids. I understand all of his points.. financial reasons, we would probably have another boy anyway, would we cope (as in the general tiredness, relentlessness of day to day parenting).. but I just can’t emotionally deal with the thought of never having a daughter.
Whenever I was younger & imagined having kids I imagined my little girl. Way before kids were on the agenda I bought the most beautiful book for my future daughter. I just never imagined I wouldn’t have one to give it to...
I don’t want to miss out on that mother/daughter relationship. I want to be there when my daughter has her babies & be the amazing help that my mum is to me.
My hubby says I have my nieces/ friends kids but it’s not the same. I find myself it hard to be fully happy for those that announce they are pregnant with a girl without feeling I have missed out. That sounds so petty now I write it..
When I talk to friends about it I get the ‘girls are so much harder than boys anyway, they are so emotional etc’ but that really doesn’t make me feel any better. It actually hurts.
I’ve tried to talk my hubby around. I’ve said if we try one more time, even if we have another boy that will be it & at least we tried. I would be happy but know there would be disappointment (& guilt for feeling it). I also think some days could I really cope with another... but on top of all of it my need for a daughter is bigger. Parenthood is hard anyway so what’s one more? I’ve tried to say to hubby if we had two girls now wouldn’t be want to try for a boy but he’s not budging. He has said if we were guaranteed a girl he would but obviously that can’t happen. I feel like it’s now or never & that in 10 years I’m going to regret not pushing more & feel a constant gap in the puzzle of our family. I see beautiful little girls & picture mine. I see teenagers & imagine guiding mine through that stage with so much love & openness.
I don’t even really know what I expect to get from this post..
Have you been here?
Did you work through it & how?
Did you convince your hubby & how?
Do you have any sure fire ways of making a girl?
Please, any words of wisdom will be helpful xx
27 Replies
Don’t try and force your husband to have another child when he doesn’t want more kids. Get yourself some counseling and sort your issues out
I thought I really wanted a girl. I got over it. Firstly, even if you can guarantee to have a child with lady parts doesn’t mean they are going to have the personality you want. You’ve built up in your head what a magical relationship and bonding experiences you’ll have. Chances are a daughter wouldn’t want those same experiences.
Each child is unique and bonds in different ways. And in our minds we have this ideal based on our experiences. My dreams really focused on having a real girly girl.
Funnily enough my son taught me this lesson the best. Children RARELY turn out how you imagine them and having preconceived ideas about what your relationship would look like with a girl is a recipe for rebellion.
I can think of many times growing up where my mum had imagined ‘moments’ and what they would be like, they just didn’t live up to what she imagined. For every parent who wanted to take there child on shopping trips there is a girl who wanted nothing more than making mud pies and working on cars.
Even if you do eventually decide to try for one more, having these ideals and dreams for your child are going to lead to disappointment and frustration.
Any child should come into this world without a pile of expectations before they’ve even shown there little individual personalities.
I have a daughter. She was my first born. I thought it was going to be amazing and we would have this bond and love each other dearly etc.
Shes been here 8 years. We have no bond. Never have. I dont know how to fix it. I have this maternal awe over my other kids but not her and it kills me.
Things are not what we always pictured they would be.
I can only imagine the desire to have what you don't have but as poster above said. Its chasing an idea and not knowing how things would really go.
I have had a similar strained relationship with my only daughter. She is the oldest and has 3 younger brothers. It has always been easy with the boys, but difficult with her. But... she is now 22 and things are shifting. We are closer than we have ever been, she doesn’t live at home but comes over on days off to hang out. The older she gets the more softness there is in our relationship. At one stage I thought we would just never have the relationship I had hoped for, and now I enjoy our relationship and I see us being dear friends by the time she has her own family. It makes my heart glad that we are slowly finding a path together. Hang in there - teens will be likely be tough for the two of you but there is hope! One day she will reach adulthood and realise that you have always been her biggest supporter. Xx
I can empathise here. I would feel the exact same. And im not sure i have any good advice. But i feel like all your reasons are valid. Completely valid.
I'm not sure what i would do as at the end of the day, basically one of you will feel level of resentment around the issue. Its a tough one.
I empathise!
I love my journey with one of each.
I think it’s important that you know your feelings are normal and do not mean you love your boys less.
I don’t have any advice but sending lots of support.
I do know a few people that got there in the end. A nephew after 4 nieces. A whoops daughter after 5 sons. Pulling the pin at 3 boys and not going for a girl. There's just no guarantees and you could populate the planet trying but chance is chance is chance.
And, he's said no. I said no after one, I knew I was done. A no is a no and "convincing" to me would feel like I was being badgered. If he feels the same way about it, what you call convincing could be building resentment if it's a common enough occurrence.
The Stones said it best. You can't always get what you want - and it's a grieving process when the longing is strong.
Get past that and then consider what you CAN control, if he's willing, or what you feel capable of doing.
Foster girls needing a safe place.
Adopt a daughter whose mum couldn't keep her.
Mentor disadvantaged girls to break the cycle of poor education, abuse and poverty.
Volunteer with groups that help these girls with the life skills they don't have, help build them a life as confident young women.
No it's not the same, I know that, but taking your dreams and turning them towards practical and useful endeavours means they don't die off - they just shift in a new direction.
Not exactly the same but similar ideas, I always wanted 3-4 kids.
At 18 I was pregnant and had my daughter, had my son two years later (I didn’t care about gender, just wanted a family and my partner was the same)
Then when my children were only 2&4 years old their father became addicted to ice and we became victims of domestic violence .... all my dreams and plans were ripped to shreds.
This was 10 years ago now and I have been a single parent since. (Finding a suitable, safe partner who fits our lives isn’t that easy)
I have two beautiful teens and no more children.
Sometimes I still mourn the big family unit I’d always wanted but my devotion and focus is the children I was so lucky to have.
My advice is focus on your boys, they are your responsibility and they need you. Your partner has given his feelings, so time to get some counselling for yours x
Yes I do believe with others your fantasising this perfect mother daughter relationship did you have that with your mother or are you just wanting to have something you never had with your own mother.
Also a no is no and it will only course troubles in the future respect his choice. Do you want to risk losing your husband in the future outta resentment or have a daughter? I think therapy might help good luck
Also save the book for grandchildren, there’s a good chance you’ll have a granddaughter and that will be a special time. Focus on rising your boys to be good respectful men so they’ll treat their future partners with love and respect so you can build relationships with them. Look at the big picture
Things don't always turn out the way we want and it's okay to feel sad about that. I think that when that grief starts to become consuming like I suspect may be the case in your situation, that's when it's time to get some professional help to process and manage those feelings. Otherwise, it will start to bleed into your relationship with your boys and I know you don't want that!
It's funny, my favourite show growing up was Malcolm in the Middle. I think because of that, I always invisioned myself having a house full of little boys, because I mean how much fun would that be!
When I found out my first and second were girls, I was sort of disappointed because it really made me realise that dream of a house full of boys was pretty much done.
I was also quite nervous about raising girls because I didn't think I knew how. My own mum was cold, non maternal, emotionally unavailable and sort or relating to what others have mentioned above, she resented me for not turning into the, typically girly daughter that she wanted rather than appreciating the person I was.
Not to be condescending but I do think life can have a way of giving us what we need rather than what we want sometimes.
You should only have a third because you want a third child, not because you want to try your luck at having a girl. I say this as the third child, and my parents only had me because they wanted a boy after 2 girls. I'm not close with either of my parents and I had a pretty uncaring childhood. Not abusive in any way, there was just no love.
You're not ungrateful or crazy, but you do need to find a way to get past this that doesn't involve trying for a 3rd baby with your current husband. A no always trumps a yes, so respect it and stop asking.
My in-laws tried for years to have a girl after their first two boys. My husband came along after 5 years of trying (and he always knew they wanted a girl and were disappointed that he wasn't) and my sister-in-law finally came along 11 years after my husband was born. There were many losses in between and my mother-in-law was told she would never have another child. She finally got her much longed for daughter, who was born with a serious hereditary condition which has impacted her quality of life always and prevents her from having a normal life and a family of her own. She also turned out to be the least girly girl you could imagine, rejecting all the frilly things her mother loved and wanted for her!
My point being is that even if you get what you think you want, it may not turn out the way you expected.
As others have said even if you had a girl there's no guarantee you would have the relationship with her your dreams are saying you will. If your husband is adamant he doesn't want more children and you feel its consuming you think about seeing your GP for a referral to a Mental Health Social Worker or Psychologist.
Okay so, my mother had three girls with three different men (me being the oldest) each time she tried all the wives tales to get a boy. It never worked. She has so much resentment for us girls that she has destroyed us emotionally and none of us have a good relationship with her or each other. My middle sister hasn’t spoken to her in years and she was always dressed as a boy and called “son”. I’m now a mother of 5, 2 girls 3 boys. My mother despised me. Refuses to acknowledge my sons and hates my husband because he gave me sons. She will only speak of or to my daughters.
What I’m getting at is that please don’t let this destroy you. Find a way to work with what you have and be happy.
You sound like an amazing mum - someone who had to overcome a shitload of adversity, yet managed to rise well above it.
You, IM, rock!
Whoooa! That is insane. How awful for your girls.
Whoooa! That is insane! How awful for you girls.
Playing matchy-matchy doesn't guarantee a good relationship. It doesn't guarantee that your daughter will not become a son later down the track.
I have all boys too, 4 of them! I am CONSTANTLY asked if we'd try again for a girl. And you know, part of me does wonder what it would be like to have a daughter, but them I look at my boys. I have kids who are alive, who are loved, who are happy and I cannot do them a disservice and live in the 'what-ifs'. Our friends are crippled with infertility and it brings me back down to earth quite quickly.
I'm also practical - a new baby would mean a new car, a new house (we are at capacity), time off work... and I just cannot do that to myself and to the family that we already have.
I'd also like to add that I was completely dressed as girly-girl and in the end, I'm so much closer to my dad and always considered myself a tomboy lol
I feel this! I feel so guilty. I love my 2 boys so much, and would never change them, but I wish I had a girl. Nearly everyone I know has 1 of each and I find myself feeling so jealous.
We have decided that we will only have 2 kids (mostly because my partner is no help with the kids/house but that's another story).
I just want to say you're not alone.
My mother-in-law always wanted a girl but had two boys she now has two granddaughters and spoil them like crazy.
It’s not petty to grieve the life you’d imagined. Be sad, be angry, it’s all valid, just make sure at some point you reach acceptance so you can move on and fully enjoy the life you have. Xx
If you feel that strongly about it then convince him to have another one. I know I would if I really wanted a daughter so bad then I would keep trying. Everything else works itself out but I’d rather try than regret it later because you will.
I had two boys then did gender selection in the US to have my baby girl.
I have no advice on how to get over it ect but I’m really struggling with my daughter never having a sister I have a sister and we are best friends it makes me so sad that she won’t have that!! I think in time you will learn to live with it or eventually cave and try again
I’m in a different position in that we have two girls and I feel done. Of course I would love a boy but I feel happy and contented with our two girls.
My husband however wants to try for a boy. As much as I am done, our family is a joint decision. I don’t get the day of when our family is finished if he has a strong desire to have another.
We have agreed to leave it for a few years, if he still wants another one then we’ll try for another....
Maybe it might be worth talking to hubby and seeing what you can agree on. Sometimes going to see a councillor can help navigate this.
Good luck.