Please ladies, this has taken a lot for me to open up about, & I am very sensitive about this already. I am feeling very down about it & I will only feel worse if I'm bashed at, so if you don't have anything helpful to say, please don't comment. I don't know any of you ladies but here I am, asking for help. This is not my fault, & I can't help the way I feel. I wish I didn't feel it, but I don't love my stepdaughter. She is almost 3, I have a 4 year old son from a previous relationship & although they aren't as close as they could be, my partner & son do get along. My stepdaughter & I used to bond. The reason I fell for my partner in the first place is because he was such a good Dad among the amazing man that he is, & I could see me raising our children with him & having more of our own in the future. I still see the same future for us, but I just cannot find that love for my stepdaughter that I feel should be there. Her bio Mother only sees her every second weekend & a few nights during the week. Other than that, partner works & I am sole carer of both my stepdaughter & my son. At times it is just too much. She doesn't listen & is constantly milking my partner & his parents. My son doesn't get treated as half as much of a grandchild as my stepdaughter does with my partners parents, but my parents treat both kids fairly. From the very beginning I jumped straight in & tried to be the best stepMum I could be for his little girl, but I just feel like I'm failing. I care for her well being, like a daycare teacher would, but that is all. I do not think she is cute, nor do I love her. To me, she is a child in my care, & my son is my son. Should I see a counsellor? This is heartbreaking because I feel that I should love her, but I just don't, even though I am raising her & I do more for her than both her biological parents combined. Shouldn't that make me love her? I treat her like my own. I googled it & this is not uncommon, but how on earth can I learn to love somebody I just do not love, & how am I meant to tell my partner 'I love you, but I do not love your child even though she is apart of you'?....
Tia for anyone with helpful/supportive things to say, & to anyone who posts negative comments, they will be disregarded as I asked for advice, not to be judged or bashed for something as innocent as my own feelings.
I don't love my stepdaughter
I don't love my stepdaughter
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt, Kids
14 Replies
Wow I think you are very brave for posting this. I assume you've seen posts like this that are similar where women just attack! I really hope you get only helpful comments. I'm not bashing you at all but you need to take steps to help build your relationship with her ASAP or you need to leave. I know that may sounds harsh but I would hate to be with someone that didn't love my child. I would hate to find out the person I was with who was looking after my child didn't like her or enjoying looking after her. Maybe if she was older and in her teens you could make it work for a while because she will grow up soon and move out, but because she's so young I think its too much to raise her for another 15 years if you don't love doing so. I watch a lot of Dr phil and he's always saying this isn't uncommon. You fell in love with the man - not his daughter and when it's not your bio child love can be a hard thing to do. I think you need to go to a counsellor and ask for a more professional opinion (rather than a bunch of bitchy women on here no offence). Maybe try doing things you both like, take her to get her nails painted or clothes shopping for a pretty dress. Talk to your partner about it. Good luck
I dont have experience in this. I think the reality of merging families & taking on a child thats not yours must be huge, especially when youve taken on fulltime care of her. Id suggest cutting that back. Can her grandparents have her a few days or mornings per week. It just seems to me that you've taken on the duty of care for her and are expecting the feelings to be there, when maybe if there was more balance between duty & feelings. Im trying to say being put in charge of caring for her full time before you've made that connection would be something that makes it harder. You should build the relationship first so that when you take on the duty it is from your heart. Id guess thats a big part of your problem.
Also youd probably enjoy some time with your son.
I think you should be proud of your family that they have accepted her so equally. Take up that issue with your partner, its his family, not the little girls fault.
Give yourself time. Seeking Counselling support is a great idea.
I feel exactly the same about my step daughter. Please don't feel you are the only one! Or that love of a non biological child will happen overnight. I often too feel guilty for saying the child annoys me the majority of the time and my mum gets up me and says to 'grow up' but I know how hard it is living with someone you just don't gel with. I have no answer or I'd have solved my own problem. I know how much of a shitty situation it is when you love your partner and want him but wish the child was somewhere else. Hang in there, as hard as it is...
Stop beating yourself up! You can't flick a switch on and just love someone. Love takes time, friendship, bonding, trust and respect! You sound like you're doing a fantastic job of raising her. Forget about grandparents etc for now, and work on your relationship with your step daughter. I know you said you do the majority of raising her as it is, but why not just treat the two of you to a little girly day (your partner and son could have a bonding day too), and get to know each other on a "sisterhood" level. She's probably very confused as to why her own mother doesn't see her very often, so build up her trust and respect in you and she will start behaving more for you. I think you'll find that once you get past the behaviour and she starts listening to you, you'll find it easier to have a bond with her. Over time that bond will grow and one day in 15 years when she's graduating high school you'll look back and wonder what you were even worried about. Don't feel bad for not instantly loving her, gosh one of my bestfriends has a child and I would do anything for him and ensure he was always safe and sound, but I just don't feel the love there. People clash, it's part of life. But if you're in it for the long haul with your partner, it's best to at least build up some sort of bond with his child.
Sorry I hit send before I finished! I just wanted to end by saying I think you're doing such a wonderful thing by raising someone else's child. She is going to appreciate it when she's old enough to understand. For now, just keep loving your partner and doing what you're doing. Even families that aren't blended don't all get along at some time or another, it's nothing different just because there's step children involved. It's human nature. God knows my 2 year old drives me bonkers somedays. Good luck to you, you sound like a beautiful caring person, to be having these feelings it must mean there's something special about you. I wish you the very best xx
I too am a step mother to a step daughter and have been in your shoes. I think sometimes we put to much pressure on our selves to love someone or something that is loved by a person that we love. And it is even tougher if you don't get acknowledged for all the things that you do for your step daughter. I had to take one day at a time with my step daughter, I also had to get counselling. It was a process but I started to find more and more things about her that I enjoyed and it lead to me enjoying the time that we spent together. Your partner also needs to acknowledge what you do for him and his daughter, This was the advise that my partner and I were given from our councillor and while it doesn't fix everything it sure does help. But please remember that she is only two and this is probably very hard and confusing for her as well, as she doesn't really understand what is going on. Set time aside for you as well... every mum needs a break
Certainly see a counsellor. Being a step mum is hard plus the added pressure of you being put in the position of fulltime parent for her. Good luck
I was the first one to comment and sorry I misread what age she was! I thought she was 5 or 6. If it helps I can say I didn't like My own daughter at 2 lol. It's hard to bond with kids when u get nothing in return. At that age they are naughty with everyone and it can be hard when they can't communicate back with you well. I'm sure in a few years she will tell you how much she loves you and hug you more and be better behaved..and that will make it easier to have a connection.
OMG I don't like my child everyday either lol being a parent is hard but we are allowed to whinge about our own kids.
Another point of view my husband has a step dad and a bio dad his step dad came into his and his siblings life when he was 8. He took on raising 3 children that weren't his because he loved their mum. They didn't have much to do with their bio dad and now later in life have zero contact with bio dad. He refers to his step dad as dad it takes a really special person to take on the responsibility of raising a child that isn't biologically yours. Perhaps find something you and her can do together don't try and push the love side of things start with a friendship and let it build from their.
So normal... My Ex partner and I moved into our relationship both having a 4yr old daughter each.. instant twins, however my child had respect and manners, his was rude and nasty, sneaky and cruel. I found most of her behavior came from her nasty mother!... We just kept the same rules for each child and same punishments for discipline so no child was ever favoured..
In your situation you are the primary carer and her behavior will mimic yours. If you see her acting inappropriatly or manipulating her father, pull her up. Let her know that is unacceptable. The same way you would stop your son from bad behavior. Have a list of family rules, with the punishments.. stick to it, be fair and dont let yourself be softer on your own son.
But for some positive news, you don't have a daughter of your own and she doesn't have a Mum who is constant in her life. You have the potential here to create your own little best friend here! As she grows she will turn to you for advice on everything from clothes to boys. You will likely have to explain puberty and be there to support her during that time. Make sure you take time to bond with her on her own. Let hubby take your son to the footy while you go have a girly day out. Buy new shoes and get your nails painted. Every month do something special with her. The more she accepts you as her friend the easier it will be to love her.. it's a different kind of love, but it can be just as strong just give it time and become her friend. :-)
I haven't been in your situation but all I wanted to say was that you have taken on a lot of responsibility for a child that isn't yours, no wonder you feel like a day care teacher. I really hope that you can get what you want and from the sounds of it you really want to be able to love this little girl. I don't always like my kids but we have had that mother/child bond their whole lives and it makes it easier to always love them, I couldn't imagine how tough it would be to be going through all that with someone else's child and trying to build up a good relationship with her, you are stronger than me that's for sure. Good luck and counselling would be a good place to start, as well as a break 2/3 year olds are tough.
I know this was posted nearly one year ago but please I need to speak with you for advice a s a p
I can relate to this. I feel the same way about my step daughter. And mind you I have 3 step kids two are teenagers and I get along with them great and I love them for sure….but they don’t live with us….my youngest step daughter is 7 and she lives with us. I don’t love her nor like her at all, she screams at us when she doesn’t get her way and cries over everything and argues and throws a temper like a toddler and doesn’t listen and tries to be the boss of the house and she’s super lazy. And she’s super annoying. Trying to get her to do anything is like world war 3. When we tell her to eat her dinner she literally flips out starts kicking and screaming and crying like our newborn (he’s four months old). She almost flipped herself out of her chair one time. She just stresses everyone out in the house. Her mother isn’t in her life at all and hasn’t been since we got her at the age of 3. And she’s acted this way since. She was very spoiled by her mother before we got her. She’s very stubborn, hard headed, dingy, strong willed, and ima do what I wanna do or ima scream till I get it attitude. And she has this pick me pick me look at me look at me attitude. So I do understand where your coming from. No judgment here. And just know your not alone.