Has anyone got stories of success with a partner who was a dv perpetrator and managed to get help and overcome his problems? My partner is 40 and i know now he was abusive (coercive control, emotional, financial, verbal, using anger to create fear and intimidate, and more, but not physical which he points out) to his other partners. He seemed to try hard with me for a long time but he is abusive. He wants couples therapy but I am not convinced he can face his abuse, i think it may make him angry that the issue is not that i am not enough to keep him from getting angry, but rather his anger and control are core problems. But maybe he will face it. What i want to know is has anyone ever had such a partner and things have got significantly better? He has complex ptsd from childhood trauma and subsequent addiction and emotional issues. Hes mainly managed to overcome severe addiction issues which shows his strength to me. If he faced his abuse with the same strength he could reform. But does it ever happen?
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My experience: they just throw therapy away by claiming the therapist ‘is biased towards women’, or trying to convince the therapist ‘why someone else is the problem, and if you would just do x/y/z he wouldn’t behave that way’.
If therapy is going to work he needs to go to therapy alone to work on his issues. A lot stop going as soon as the therapist says something they didn’t want to hear.
Why would you chance it? There is absolutely no way I’d entertain the idea of dating someone I knew was guilty of DV! As a repeat offender he should be in jail.
Do not allow him to excuse his behaviour because of addiction or childhood trauma. It is not acceptable period no if buts or maybes. Please keep yourself safe! Life is to short to go into knowingly complicated relationships.
A few things stand out to me here:
He minimises his behaviour, I mean, you rattle off a list of his abusive tactics but he's still got that attitude of 'well, yeah... But at least I didn't hit her'. That is not indicative of a person who is ready to own their shit!
His abusive behaviour, his PTSD, his addiction issues, his anger and other emotional issues - they all go hand in hand. So he hasn't "faced" his addictions, he just stopped abusing his choice of poison. All the emotional issues and underlying problems are still there boiling away.
I think you also recognise that his suggestion of therapy isn't coming from a genuine place of "I want to get better". It's coming from a place of control and telling you what you want to hear. If he really wanted help, he'd have gotten it by now.
The statistics of repeat DV perpetrators truly reforming are pretty dismal, it's also less likely when the perpetrator is still in a relationship with someone they have formerly treated abusively because it's a cycle that's too easy to slip back into.
You've got some really big decisions ahead of you, your long term well being needs to be your number 1 priority.
Absolutely, therapy is about keeping her in the game, for him, it’s not about genuine change.
If you asked me if my ex would ever reform I would laugh, he does not even admit he is abusive. 4 different partners have accused him and he always blames them. But I still don't believe it is a yes or no answer for everyone. It depends on what causes it and whether the person knows they have a problem. People who are only abusive when they drink are good examples of people who can completely reform, so long as they quit drinking. Your partner admits he has a problem and PTSD is likely the cause, so he has a good chance of overcoming it if he gets the right help. Marriage counselling is not the right help in this instance. He needs to get psychological help for his PTSD and maybe look into other therapies like hypnotism.
Yes I have gone back to a DV marriage (all kinds of DV but only physical) we separated for 2 years he was in another rship even. It was when he realised he had to change that he did and he is a diff man now. It is possible but they have to acknowledge it and that's like winning the lottery.