I feel so lost and confused.
My husband and I have been together 11 years and married 2 years. We have 2 boys ages 4 and 7 years. The oldest is going to OT for his Sensory Processing and the 4 year old is very strong willed and quite difficult. They can be a handful, but so can most boys their age. The 4 year old does better with options and the 7 year old does better with a softer, gentle approach.
My husband gave up being an electrician years ago as he kept getting fired from his jobs. He blamed it on the financial downfall.. but he took a lot of sickies etc. I ended up being the main bread winner for quite a while and did literally all of the house work and finances. I ended up with depression and we separated awhile. We then got back together when he finally got a job casually at Bunnings and were still trying to get his debts paid now.
He is now full time at Bunnings.
I’m in a really good role where I am, and I’ve been there for 12 years. I’ve got a decent pay 60k and I am studying Business Management at CQU. Im pretty proud of myself.
Unfortunately again, my husband is not doing anything around the house. I have to beg him to do things like the dishes, mow the lawn, clean the yard. Today I was working from home in my office from 9am - 2pm and I come out to find him sitting on the couch playing PlayStation with the kids, exact same spot I left them when I went into the office to work. The kids came to me and said they were hungry, when I asked Husband whether he gave them lunch he said “No, there’s no bread”. I replied to him that maybe he could go to the shops and get bread and milk being as we have none, so that the kids can eat!
He got cranky and said “well I don’t know, I don’t eat lunch when I’m at work so I don’t really think about lunch.”
I then couldn’t help it but go off at him. I told him he is their bloody father and needs to actually look after the kids by feeding them. It’s quite a basic thing!
I then proceeded with telling him that it’d be nice for him to show the initiative when we run out of Milk and Bread instead of me doing it all the time.!!!!
All day, every day, he yells at the kids. He doesn’t ask them to do things, he just yells. My 7 year old always yells back at him and tells him he hates him.
When I tuck my 7 year old I’m he always says to me “ Mummy, I’m sick of dad always being on his phone. He never listens to me when I try and explain anything. He just yells. He hates me and I hate him.”
My 4 year old just yells constantly at everyone.
My husband works every second weekend and The kids are in chaos yelling at each other on the weekends my husband is home. I hate it. I hate all the yelling, it is not necessary.
I have tried explaining this all to my husband but he doesn’t listen. He says I attack him but I never ever tell him this feedback in a harsh way. I am always gentle in my approach.
I just can’t do it anymore. He is lazy. My yard is always a dump, the kids can’t go out and play. I’m working 50-60 hour weeks, my studies expect me to be online 10-15 hours a week. I’m doing all the housework. I’m constantly trying to stop the yelling in the house and get people to just talk nicely to each other.
I am not attracted to my husband at all. We rarely have sex.
I am over him. I’ve been trying to get him to realise I want him to show the initiative and do things himself but he isn’t. Some days I feel things would be easier without him in my life.
The kids are so well behaved and gentle on the weekends it is just me and them (and husband is at work).
I’ve tried sitting him down and talking about it but I just can’t get through to him.
Has anyone been here before?
Any advice?
What are your thoughts?
4 Replies
I’d leave. It doesn’t sound like anyone is happy. If you separate at least you won’t be carrying a dead weight.
I would talk to him about relationship counselling, if he won't agree talk to your GP about a referral to a Social Worker or Psychologist for support for you.
I could have written this post. I left. To be fair it is so much easier in some ways and a bit harder in others. Because he is still a useless bit of shit and I still have to do everything for him otherwise my kid will suffer. And unless he completely walks away then you are still constantly having to parent on "his" time.
Goodluck hun.
The behaviour sounds to me that he may be suffering from depression and similar to my husband. My husband was this angry person and everything was everyone else’s fault. He had counselling. He has been good for some years until recently it has all been triggered again from some childhood trauma. I think your situation sounds more serious though. Before giving up, I would try counselling. You sound like me, take it all on and let him be until it becomes too much for you and when trying to gently discuss, they have a pity party and make out that you’re being unreasonable. It’s very frustrating. I think counselling is what is needed and honestly you only got married 2 years ago and shouldn’t throw the towel in just yet. There may be hope. I agree you’re putting up with too much as well as your kids but see if he will go and if not then plan to leave. If you don’t try then he isn’t going to change and your kids are still going to have to put up with him anyway so what is to loose. Using his phone and not giving your kids the attention is a deflection so he can’t emotionally connect with them. I have told my husband he needs to be more involved not just sleeping when home...such as taking our child to the park, playing games etc. It’s their job too. Some men need to grow up big time. It’s not about them, it’s about the kids! I wish you well and hope he will listen