Husband is fifo and has been for 13 years. We have a 9yo boy. I have in the past had depression/anxiety pre and post natal. Start of last year we moved interstate back closer to family and our farming business, hubby is still FIFO. Long story short I had a falling out with my dad on business issues and was having an affair. Hubby caught me out. Long story short. I don’t think I love my husband like I used too. I still love him but not in love with him.
He keeps saying he doesn’t want me to stay because it’s where I think I should be. But , he is right. I don’t want to upset him further and have to deal with all the trauma of leaving. I have felt alone in this marriage for so long even though he says he is doing this for us. But never home. Part of me wants to leave and the other stay. I know I have hurt my husband by what I did but I have been hurting for years underneath it all, I am just starting to realise it. It’s not the life I want. I struggle with parent hood every day mentally.
How to work out staying or leaving
How to work out staying or leaving
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
14 Replies
Does your husband want to continue the marriage? Then the next question is do you want to continue the marriage? Forget about the other person when you answer that, think for yourselves. If you both answer yes then you both need to make changes to make it work. Fifo sounds like a big problem for you so if it's going to work he will need to change jobs. You obviously have a bit of work in front of you earning trust back.
Your not happy or in love, people that are don’t tuck other people. Do you husband a favour and leave. Saves the hurt of him knowing your staying out of obligation. He deserves better
Fuck*
You are the only one who can answer this question but you need to stop making excuses for your behaviour. You did the wrong thing - if you were unhappy with the work arrangement you should have spoken to your husband or left a long time ago. If you are serious about giving your marriage a go and your husband is on board then by all means go ahead but if you aren't 100% invested and keep trying to deflect blame then do the right thing and let him find someone else that will appreciate him.
FIFO is so incredibly hard, but as you know, it pays well, sounds like your husband is trying to build a future for his family. My dad has been FIFO for years, my mum has never considered straying. He deserves to come home to a loving wife, not a cheating indifferent one. He might not see it now, but do him a favour and release him so he can find someone who values his hard work ethic. He’s too forgiving, you still aren’t being accountable for your actions, let him find someone who deserves him.
Also when I had mental health issues, similar to yours, the absolute last thing on my mind would have been to start a relationship with someone new. I was barely holding it together, basics like cleaning, showering, taking care of kids, working, let alone getting to know another man and having sex with a new person.
Aside from the cheating which I'm not going to comment on, I find it very selfish of women who despise it when their husbands work hard. I left my husband after 14 years of never having held a job. He was employed when I met him, but other than that he never worked to provide for me and our child. I worked and provided, sometime up to 3 jobs at a time. He thought hanging our with mates, fucking about with home Reno shit and sleeping all day was a better option. I'd have given anything to be with a real man who provides for his family, even if he was to work away, not resent it.
Working away is not just working hard, it's expecting the other parent to do it solo for weeks/months at a time. It's missing birthdays, Christmases, funerals, births. It can be really isolating especially if there's no family around. If everyone is not happy with it then it's not going to work. The OP has said she has only just realised she is not happy with FIFO and he's been doing it for years so I think it's a bit rude to call her selfish for that.
If it's a choice between unemployment or FIFO, I know what I would chose. There are plenty of ways to stay in touch electronically these days so very little milestones and achievements are missed out on. With the way employment opportunities are by being so hard to come by, people need to be more grateful for the jobs they have.
I'm not saying it's going to always be easy but that's life isn't it. You have to make the best of what you've got. And sometimes it takes another perspective from someone like me who was with an ex with no drive, to have my input from another side, because maybe, just maybe, it might allow a little more humble reflection from the other person to know the difference between how to separate gratitude from despair .
It's just from my insight, she doesn't have to take it as advice, and nor do you, but every one of us will have an opinion. Count your blessings and fortunes, because as I said , I'd have given ANYTHING to have a real man like hers with a great job like his.
I agree, we will see how she feels when she’s single, doing it alone financially.
That's pretty stupid considering FIFO partners are doing everything on their own anyway and won't be that much worse off with child support, pension and most debt like cars and loans would be in the primary earners name.
Well obviously you never had to deal with it and your ex was the stay at home parent, so you have never experienced being on your own all the time which you can resent when you're not a single parent. Plenty of work out there for skilled industrial workers and if he's been doing it for 13 years he would have no problem finding work closer to home, or even picking up a residential mine job which would mean he was able to take his family and be home every night. Just because your situation sucked doesn't mean the opposite situation is perfect.
She had an affair whilst her husband was away at work and blamed his work for the reason. You cant get lower than that.
At least FIFOs get regular R and R, imagine if she was married to a servicemen, then what?
Did she ever ask him to quit FIFO, she said she only recently realised it made her unhappy. How convenient.
And the poor guy wants to fix the marriage or is telling her he doesn’t want her to stay out of obligation, how emasculating and humiliating for him.
She should walk because all she has is excuses and put the poor guy out of his misery.
This post makes me very mad and you are all enabling her and her shitty behaviour.
To the op, go read some of the women writing in about their husbands having an affair. There’s a recent one, the husband that slept with prostitutes, see how it is for the other side.
Struggled with parenthood but doesn’t struggle sneaking behind everyone’s back and sleeping with someone else.
One hundred percent agree here !! Couldn't have said this better ^^