Has anyone ever canceled Christmas because your kids behaviour isn’t worthy of it? I feel absolutely horrible for even thinking about it, but our children are just so naughty and disrespectful to each other and to me. No punishment I ever give them works. Other than a TV in the lounge room, they don’t have any other devices. We don’t have iPads or PlayStation etc, so there’s really no need for screen time bans. (I don’t allow them to watch much TV). They are 9 1/2 (boy) and 6 1/2 (girl). (I also have a 22month old, but she’s no trouble). I’m exhausted and I feel like giving them presents at the moment is rewarding bad behaviour. So does anyone have a miracle, magical spell to fix my children’s behaviour, or has anyone packed the tree away, returned the presents and had positive results from it? I don’t know what to do. This isn’t a new behaviour thing either. This gets worse every year.
25 Replies
There's no quick miracle fix for sustained, habitual bad behaviour I'm afraid. It's taken a long time to set the tone for that behaviour, it's going to take a long time, consistency and a lot of hard work to reverse it!
The shock factor of "cancelling Christmas" might have a short term impact but it's not a long term solution. You've also got to ask yourself if that's a childhood memory you'd like your kids to look back on.
How about a smack immediately preceding the behaviour.
I love it when people think smacking is this magical thing that works immediately and all it takes to have perfect kids is a smack! Keep living the dream🎉
5 kids, it’s working just fine producing young successful adults who recognise boundaries and respect themselves and others
Well I have 3 adults and 1teenager and can still remember smacks not working on 9 year olds, but hey give me another 10 years and I might forget all about how useless smacking was and only remember how perfectly behaved my kids were because I smacked, seems to happen quite a bit to older Mums 👍
I can remember getting smacked as a kid, I don't remember what I did to get the smacks and I don't remember learning any profound lesson from those smacks but I sure as shit remember how hurt, scared and alone i felt when I received those smacks!
But I mean, if fear based parenting is what you're aiming for, congrats I guess...
OP. I would thoroughly suggest you look into some parenting programs, you need some new tools and strategies because what you're doing now isn't working. There's no shame in getting professional help if you're struggling with behaviour and discipline. Steve Bidolph also has some great, specific parenting books which you may also find to be helpful and insightful resources.
Good luck!
I smack and it still doesn’t make a difference. I have tried so many different punishments. I feel like I’m very harsh/strict with the kids and they know exactly what is right and what is wrong. They just choose to misbehave regardless of what punishment is dished out to them.
Ahh don’t pay any attention to the negative Nancies with problem kids. I got smacked when I misbehaved I remember why I got smacked and when I got smacked. My kids get smacked. A smack on the hand for touching things they shouldn’t, a smack on the butt as they get older. I haven’t had to smack them in a long time. They’re not scared of me. But they respect each other and the consequences of what they do now are based on their currency. Ever seen a 13 year old with no phone. A six year old who has to sit on a step not being allowed to talk to anyone in the room or move until their timer is up. The thing about punishments is you have to be consistent all the time. You can’t let it slide once or twice because they’re going to know that you aren’t going to punish them for that behaviour. Even when my kids have worn me down punishments still exist. Proud to say my teen is kind, respectful and an all round wonderful kid especially in public and at school. Sure he can be a turd and wind up hos siblings: but currently there’s nothing like OP is facing. I’ve never ever thought about cancelling Christmas. It’d take the joy out of my life too and I don’t want to suffer because of them.
Did you miss the comment above you where she literally says she smacks?🤔. Just for the record I smacked when my kids were little but I never had to do it to a child older than about 4, so I'm not sure you can credit smacking for your kids good behaviour as you say you were still doing it when they were older. For me it worked really well for things that were dangerous and needed them to stop straight away, for long term more emotional based behaviour problems it does not work. It would not work on the OPs children for what they are doing. The behaviour is not even that out of the ordinary for their age, kids fight and carry on all the time but most kids have tablets and games to play these days which kind of stops kids interacting with each other as much as they used to. OPs kids do not have devices so they are more in each other's faces.
Are you trying to say you're the only one that takes a phone away or gives time out??? I'm confused 😂 Those punishments are really common!
Preceding means before
Proceeding means after
Well if you can get in before all power to you 😂. Can you give me the lotto numbers too
I would not do it. Every Christmas ever will be over shadowed by the one you cancelled for their entire lives they will be saying remember the time we had no Christmas.
Immediately punishing the behaviour is the most effective course of punishment. Punishing behaviour at a later date is proven ineffective.
Also I just couldn't break my kids hearts like that, no matter what. I couldn't not bare to see their disappointment Christmas morning and I would hate to be the one to take that christmas magic away when they are only young for so little time! Children are still learning and it seems for your this has become habit, that you need to break whilst teaching them appropriate ways to solve conflict. Children need the tools to use to be successful learners.
I honestly don’t think I have the heart to cancel it. I’m really just struggling with their constant bad behaviour. Any punishment I give them doesn’t fix anything.
Are they bored? What do they do? If neither of them have anything to do they are going to be in each other's faces and annoying the crap out of each other. Could be why your 22 month old is fine and they aren't, toddlers don't need much entertainment or structured activities, older kids do.
Do they have any reason to be upset this time of year, Dad in the picture? If not Christmas time is a pretty big reminder of that.
How are you at Christmas time? Could it be you are extra stressed and the kids can sense it which causes them to be stressed too? If I'm going through a hard time it definitely has an affect on everyone in the house, it's just not as happy. I'm less patient, everyone's trying to stay out of each other's way and a bit more nervy and grumpy than usual. Me and my partners moods basically set the mood for the whole house, not on purpose, it's just something I have noticed over the years.
I don't think cancelling Christmas is the way to go here, I think you need to look at the bigger picture and try to positively improve things. If this happens every year there's a good chance they are bored. Ironically if you did have more screens you probably wouldn't have the horrid behaviour right now, so I wouldn't credit only having a TV as though that should mean they would be well behaved! I grew up with one TV, my sisters and I would try and kill each other every school holidays 😂.
My great aunt threw a knife at my grandmother when they were children and TVs weren't even invented yet 😂
Siblings have been hating on each other since the beginning of time!
They have plenty of things to do. LEGO, soccer balls, cricket gear, craft, dolls, play kitchen, the list goes on. It’s not just this time of the year that my kids are like this. It’s every single day. They get in the car at school and start at each other and don’t stop until they’re asleep. Yes their Dad is in the picture. We are very happily married. Christmas time doesn’t stress me out. I love this time of the year. I just want our 2 older children to have better behaviour (all year round). I just have no idea what I’m doing wrong and how to fix it.
Ah fair enough, I assumed it was just around Christmas time. Maybe they need a break from each other? Do they do any sports? Activities over the holidays? See if you can sign them up for different activities for the holidays or if it's possible get Dad to take one at a time out for a day here and there.
A nearly 10 year old will get bored with just Lego, soccer and a cricket set, especially since the soccer and cricket set needs other people to play it.
My kid stopped games like LEGO and toy kitchens years ago, they are more toddler toys. You know what might work, when they start misbehaving, give them chores. Folding clothes, mopping, vacuuming (my son loves doing this, not a punishment), unpacking the dishwasher, wash the car (supervised of course) shit they really hate. Exhaust them with work, slave labour, when they finally get some free play time, they might use it more wisely. Plus, you’ll get a clean house and less for you to do, win, win, in my books. The moment they start acting up, raised voices, warn them, I think the knives and forks need polishing lol
LEGO isn’t a toddler toy! It comes in all kinds of age ranges and difficulties
Yeah true, sorry, my kids quite a bit older, you forget.
Do you have any help? Partner? Parents? Siblings?
As a single parent it can be exhausting beating the brunt of it every day.
This is not an every day solution but maybe enough to get you through another day. Maybe tomorrow just love them, cuddle them, be really positive, plan a day together or a special event. Don’t hold it over their head. Maybe what they crave is you. Your attention. It’s really hard when we don’t feel like being nice to them but sometimes it’s been enough to turn things around. One on one time with you.
Thank you. That’s great advice. I’ll definitely do that tomorrow.
Yes I have a very loving and supportive husband who is the father of the children. He works a lot though so isn’t home very much and i’m the one to do 95% of everything for them. We have no family where we live, so I have no extra support or help.
I think it would be cruel, achieve nothing, possibly make future behaviour worse and that they would never forget it... but it would be an example of how mean you were. Perhaps get a paediatric behaviour assessment if their behaviour is really excessive.