Over the last 6 months I have been feeling more and more confused as to what being "in love" is and whether it is a prerequisite for a marriage.
My husband and I have been together for 5 years and have a one year old together. We have been going to counselling together for about two months to sort out issues relating to communication problems and arguing. The arguing has almost stopped because most of it was a result of him being stressed due to his father's health. However although the arguing has stopped I know that it is also due to me completely censoring what I say and also not showing or saying when I am angry. I feel emotionally disconnected from him and also vice versa. It is at the point where I don't want to spend time with him or talk to him as I can't be myself. This brings me to question whether I am still in love. I care about him and respect him. We can have a laugh and I value his opinion but i censor myself regarding things that hurt me or make me angry or might have the same response to him.
So my question to the IMs is what is being "in love" and can a marriage still work without being "in love".
3 Replies
Love is not constant! You can be in love with some one in November and can be ambivalent about them the next month. Marriage for me isn't about being constantly in love it's about liking someone enough and loving them enough when you are in love to put the work in when your not in love. It's just as much about how much your prepared to fight to get the love back as it is about the love itself. Ups and downs in marriages are normal of course some downs can't be recovered from (I'm not an idiot). Point being in love isn't constant.
This is an interesting one! Its something I'm considering at the moment too, although under different circumstances. I think some cultures can do it, but I'm not sure how it really pans out.
Although it can feel like its working short term, long term i cant help thinking what would happen when you do fall in love with someone. You're either setting yourself up for hurting him & your family, or robbing yourself of a truly happy life. I believe we only get one we shouldn't waste it. We are lucky enough to not be dependant on a man & stuck in a bad relationship of convenience.
Also your husband deserves to find real love & happiness. Ive lived for 3 years with someone who didn't love me, without knowing that, and it crushed me, left me a broken, destroyed mess with depression & no self-esteem.
For now we are cohabiting and taking it as it comes but i cant see this continuing for long. As happy as we all are right now, its not exactly the example i want to set to my daughter.
You will constantly fall in and out of love in long term relationship. Don't expect sparks to fly for decades. Ain't gonna happen. You'll change. Your husband will change. Your kids will change. But if you stick it out. COMMUNICATE (biggest thing), you'll discover a deeper version of love. Where your grounding roots are so entwined that it is inconceivable that you would ever part. You just won't question it. It will be comfortable and constant. Your relationship becomes home.