Late last year, the kids and I left the home due to emotional abuse of which the impact on my son was to become suicidal. We were homeless for a few weeks etc. Over a year later, I am still battling with my son's school to understand that he is anxious, depressed and needs extra support. He now has a full blown aversion to school due to the way some of the teachers were treating him (i.e., "what's wrong with you", "you're being lazy", "you're playing the victim", locking him out of the classroom with his personal belongings in the classroom. For a few reasons he did something stupid recently and was suspended from school for 20 days, which conveniently took him to the end of the term for this year. He has never been in trouble before in the entire 9 years he has been at school. When we had a meeting with the principal to "resolve the suspension", the principal asked my son what was his plan to resolve it. My son had no idea and after an hour of the principal badgering my son about his plan, to which my son became distressed and teary because he didn't know, the result was it's now an open ended suspension because it's not resolved. We can't move school currently (don't ask). How would you handle the school? Mind you I have had weekly phone calls, emails, meetings with teachers, year co-ordinators, counsellors, deputy principals and the principal for over a year!
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Is your son getting help for his mental health issues? Are they able to help you deal with the school? If not, start with your GP for a mental health plan, then organise an appointment with a psychologist. It may take a couple of goes to find someone your son clicks with, but with time they will be able to help him with his feelings surrounding school and strategies to help him when he does become frustrated. If changing schools isn’t an option, are you able to home school while dealing with his mental health issues?
He was, his dad put a stop to it. He's had a mental health plan for a year. We can't change schools because I don't have sole custody yet. His mental health issues are situational, i.e., due to the issues surrounding his dad. I don't think I can change schools because his dad would have to sign/agree and we don't see or speak to him for the reasons why I left and we were homeless.
You don't need the other parents permission to change schools
This sounds like a tough situation for both of you. But I'm wondering what he did wrong and if it put any students in danger? If he is putting his peers in danger, I would have to agree with an open-ended suspension if he failed to say he won't out others in danger again.
I agree with the above about seeking help for his mental health first and foremost. And getting them to also help the school. If je has been seeing the school counsellor, they should be sitting in for things such as the meeting with the principal where they could be of support to him also.
I'm not sure what else you could do. If you're desperate not to change schools, I think you need to help him along in trying to resolve things...
He didn't put any students in danger, it was not his intent to harm anyone, the principal agrees with this. It's now only an open-ended suspension because he couldn't come up with his own plan to end the suspension because as he said, I don't work in a school, I don't know. He doesn't know what is being asked of him. I agree re the counsellor whom he has seen a lot. I'm actually desperate to change schools but I don't have sole custody.
You don’t need sole custody to change schools. I moved 3 kids out of a school and into another one and their dad signed no paper work or anything. I filled it all in, brought new uniforms and moved them and they were happier.
You need to work on what's causing this behaviour first before worrying about the school. You seem to be blaming the school when it's your sons behaviour causing all of this, not the school. Get him real medical help and get him into headspace or similar, and start fresh at school next year. I think you need to start getting tough as far as behaviour goes, don't work against the school or make excuses or he will not improve at school. He needs to know he's doing the wrong thing.
I know what's causing his behaviour, his dad who physically and emotionally abused him and is still interfering in his life. The court system is unbelievably slow. I have been trying to get him "real medical help" but his dad put to a stop to it. He sees his GP weekly and a psychiatrist because you only need one parents permission for that. I'd like to start fresh at school next year, but his suspension is in place until the anxious, depressed and traumatised teen comes up with a plan to resolve his own suspension! He needs to know that he's the child and that there are adults on his side willing to help him through this incredibly difficult time.
You are making a lot of excuses and you're blaming everyone but him for his behaviour, that's not healthy! One of my children went through his own hell with depression and wanting to end his life, I never had to get his Dad's permission for any of the help he received!? The most obvious way to end the suspension is to say what the school wants to hear and that is that he is going to make an effort to improve! He is going to do what it takes to make sure that whatever he got suspended for doesn't happen again. That's what he needs to do.
Different commenter.....I’m a single mum, dad is in the picture, but when it comes to medical stuff and he has A LOT, I just get him the help, don’t even tell his dad. I don’t understand why you don’t do that. As for the school, help him, sit him down, talk about what he did wrong, talk about what triggered the behaviour, talk about better approaches next time if he is triggered. Poor boy sounds like he has been through hell, but the safety of other students is also a priority and he needs to learn coping mechanisms when he is triggered. If he has some control over his behaviour, it will build his self esteem, he will get in less trouble and feel better about himself. It’s your job to help him with that, to help the school with that, it sounds like the school needs a plan and they’re asking him for what that should look like. Don’t jut blame the school, work with your son and the school. He’s had such a hard start to life, unfortunately he is going to have a to do a lot of work that other kids don’t have to, just to meet the status quo, I really feel for him, he doesn’t deserve all of this. Empower him, give h8m alternative behaviours for when he is hurting. His behaviour is the result of adult choices and his environment, nothing he has had control over, but now you teach him how to control his behaviours, help him, give him that gift. Help him understand his own triggers and how to cope and deal without hurting others.
He did that, apparently it wasn't enough. Don't get me wrong, I went through him with a sledge hammer for what he did and he is desperately sorry and has vowed to never do it again. We don't know what else the school wants, he has said he will do everything he can, never do it again, he's incredibly sorry and he will try his hardest at school...what else is there!
Going through him with a sledge hammer is all good, but did you give him strategies for next time he is triggered? It sounds like it is beyond his control, he needs to reprogramme his brain, he needs tools on how to navigate difficult situations. He has probably watched his father deal with anger and lashing out as his default.
You discuss strategies with your son, whether telling the teacher I’m getting to a ten and I need to remove myself or saying I need to do two laps of the oval because I’m becoming overwhelmed, or I need to go sit in a specific area of the school alone because I’ve been triggered. Could you create a safe place at school, like where there are some seats and garden? Come up with a plan, then communicate that plan with the school and get them onboard. Get creative, use his input, work together and if he has a plan, he will feel confident to tell the school what he needs and they can support that. Be proactive, not reactive, accept that there will be difficult times ahead, not that he will just magically never do it again but he will have the tools to deal. It may be two steps forward, one step back, but any progress, slow as it is, will be moving in the right direction. It sounds like the school are looking for more than sorry, but accountability and a way to move forward to ensure this doesn’t happen again.
If he is in high school, surely he is well and truly old enough to say he doesn’t want to see his dad? I can’t see things getting better whilst his father still has access to,him, either via phone, in person or text.
Psychologist and GP written anything down yet?
Is the school sending home work in the meantime?
Yep, situational anxiety and depression caused by the situation with his dad. No, they are now sending anything home in the meantime.
Call the board of education my daughter had similar issues and that’s what I did! They’ll assign a worker to resolve the issues I’d also get him into CAMHS so he can be allocated additional support at school. Don’t stand for the school being insubordinate to your child’s needs! Take it higher!
Great, thank you. We did attend CAMHS late last year but they said he wasn't severe enough. But perhaps I'll try them again. The principal actually told my son that it wasn't fair what his anxiety was putting on the school...!!!
Camhs is useless! Headspace or private, most private places will bulk bill under 18s.
Schools are not mental health clinics!!
Schools are under resourced, under funded and they have other students to think about too.
Complex needs need to be dealt with outside of school,so kids can function within the school environment in a safe way.
This is hard to answer without knowing more details. How old is your son and what did he do to get suspended? It must have been something pretty severe to have a 20 day suspension. I don't mean to be rude here, but if CAHMS say he is not severe enough and the school feels like he is playing on it, may be it is time stop making excuses as this may be enabling him. Children come from these environments all the time in school, other children would have experienced worse trauma. Staff in school are taught to identify and support so if they are not, maybe it is time to put in place measures for your son to support himself (providing he is old enough), requesting his own solution is not an unreasonable or out there request. It is about allowing a child back if and when they are willing to take control and be accountable for their own behaviour. All child have a right to learn, including the other children in the class having their time taken from so as they can focus on your son. He is 1 of 25 in a class and a teacher in high school would have on average 2.5 minutes max per student if they didn't have to teach the syllabus as well.
Look at this time as a blessing in disguise, you and your son can focus on getting him better and having a plan of attack to present to the principal to ensure he is no longer going to be disruptive to others learning and so as he can commit to school.