I’m in a pickle.
Have been married 5 years. Have 3 kids together. I’m 27 and he’s 30.
I though my lack of libido had something to do with breastfeeding/motherhood but I think it has something to do with not being sexually attracted to my husband.
And I also find myself thinking about having sex with other people.
I’m feeling depressed about only ever having sex with my husband for the rest of my life. The sex is passionless, boring and doesn’t feel good for me at all.
I’d love to have an open relationship because my husband is my best friend so I don’t want to leave but I’d love the sexual freedom, and wouldn’t care if he slept with someone else, as long as he was getting his emotional intimacy from me.
Am I terrible? Has anyone else experienced this?
16 Replies
I think there's more wrong with your relationship than you're admitting, and while you're casually almost jokingly saying you'd be fine to have sexual freedom and you still want to hold onto him, but thats very selfish and your offer to him is pretty shit so the right thing to do is choose - are you all in or all out.
You sound immature and kind of like a spoilt brat.
You also don’t sound like you love your husband.
Open marriage isn’t the answer, working with your husband together to make it better is the way to go.
If I had a spouse who flicked the switch on me and suddenly wanted an open relationship, I would give them all the freedom they want, I’d be out.
If you want out, leave, don’t put your poor husband through an open marriage conversation. Have you considered how that would make him feel?
Be careful what you wish for, grass isn’t usually greener.
You want your cake and to eat it too.....
Agree. Relationships take work. After children, especially hard work. When you don't feel it, you choose to put in the work, otherwise it won't make it.
She fits the stereo type of the typical husband who has affairs.
Wants to sleep around, but come home to the comfort of a loving family.
Only she wants her husband to agree to it.
I think the ones who keep it a secret actually might have more compassion for their spouse, ironically?!?
As you said it's immature thinking, that what you think and feel is what it is, not that it can be fixed and healed and changed, with effort. Without bagging her, I honestly hope she realises this as she obviously was attracted to him once and still seems to think he's a catch, there's definitely a foundation there to work with and children to work for.
Are you sure you wouldn’t care if he slept with other women? If that happens there’s a good chance that an emotional connection will be made.
How about you involve some toys or role play?
How does he feel?
Look, I don't agree with open relationships because I think they almost never work long term but I don't judge if two people choose to live that lifestyle if that's something they both want.
The problem is, you're wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Nothing you've mentioned here alludes to your husband having any desire to have a relationship that falls outside the typical monogamous one you currently have.
You've also got to look at what you're asking of him.
I mean, you're basically rejecting him and telling him you find sex with him so unappealing that you'd rather shag strangers but then in the same breath expect him to maintain an emotional connection with you despite all that!
If my husband hit me with that kind of proposition, I'd be hurt on every level. The first thing that would impact would be the emotional aspect of my relationship.
As somebody that is struggling with their partner not being sexually attracted to them anymore, let me tell you this first hand. What you are wanting to ask is fucking horrible. Trust me he probably knows how your feelings are towards him. Either work on your relationship or just leave.
If you & your husband aggree to this I believe your just opening a can of worms. Saying that if you put more time into your own marridge & disregarding your thoughts maybe working harder towards a solid marridge then sex. Sort different avenues toys etc...you & your partner could both really enjoy one another again.
I swear I could've written this myself. I adore my partner of 7years and don't want anyone else to spend life with. But I miss the spontaneity of a new person/s to be intimate with also. Women have needs just as blokes. It is a hard thing to discuss. No advice as in the same pickle. Just thought to reply so you know you aren't alone. F*!k what anyone who is judgy on here has said as they don't obviously think like us. Hugs
What you're feeling is called MARRAIGE.. I 'm pretty sure most or even all married women could feel the same at least once during their married life! Believe it or not!!
Open relations with others called cheating BTW
I am so sorry for all of the comments on the FB post. Open relationships can work. You need to be open and honest with each other. Maybe try something new. With him first maybe try a 3sum. Good luck and I hope you find something that works for you.
How are you feeling in the rest of your relationship and life? Could you also have depression and/hormones out of whack? Is it your connection with him? Are you feeling more like a housemate/mother to him and feeling all of the stress of the mental load? Could you be feeling touched out? If you consider him your best friend, communication could do wonders for you.
Maybe spicing it up in the bedroom might help. I have no doubt that you have thought long and hard about why there is no chemistry, and how long its been going on. Sometimes the taboo of having others when you are married can be titillating and thrilling, but in reality it usually ends messy. My honest advice is to communicate sensitively becuase you may not be able to rake back the words you say, so choose them wisely and explore every avenue before deciding that you are not sexually attracted to him. Bad sex can always be improved, but hurtful actions cannot be undone.
Relationships eb and flo. You aren’t going to always connect and you have 3 kids! In seeking an open relationship, you have to be prepared for the relationship to possibly end. He may or you may fall for someone else. Happened to my friend. She started having sex with a married man in an open marriage, they fell in love and got married. It was his wife’s idea initially and she probably wasn’t prepared for that. Anyway, maybe try and work on the relationship first. Have a few date nights, get some sex toys, go to a therapist to discuss everything openly. I’m sure your feelings are normal especially with 3 children
I'm going to give you an unpopular answer apparently!
My husband and I recently went through this. While we decided an open relationship wasn't what we were ready for (though nothing against those in one- I feel you need to be in a very strong place for it to work), we did open our relationship to new friendships. Basically, I've joined some dating sites looking for friends and a flirt. We are totally transparent with everything that happens and don't share pics with our face etc. However, it's given us the same buzz as meeting new people, flirting, all that fun stuff.
Our communication has improved tenfold and our sex life has also taken a massive upward hit.
I don't think you're a terrible person!
I feel sorry for all in this relationship.
1. You should see your GP and get down to the bottom of this. Facebook isn't a great way of validation or getting permission to have an open relationship to figure out what's going on with you. If you make a rash decision, you might regret it.
2. You need to talk to your husband. As much as it pains you, your husband is right there. My husband begged for sex after I had bub, but I couldn't stand to be touched. My insides, hormones and things were messed up. I did call a brothel in front of him and he was so embarrassed he decided it was more important to support me.
3. If you want to explore an open relationship, you need to talk this through with the hubs otherwise if you're secretive, you are cheating.
Again, I feel for you and I think there's a lot more to the story than this.