I am 33 years old, married, home owner, have 2 small children and work in a modest paid job, in a competitive industry. I feel like such a fake as I come from a very horrible upbringing. I am the second eldest of 5 and my life turned upside down when I was 12 years old and my father said “he fell in love with me”. I suffered years of sexual harrassment and abuse, mental abuse, and living under his control. (He never raped or molested me, but would inappropriately touch over my clothing and try to full on kiss me and always made me hold his hand when we were alone together, this continued into my early 20’s) My siblings suffered also due to him, the same as I did, minus the sexual abuse. We were pulled out of school, I didn’t even get to finish year 7. Two of my brothers didn’t even go to high school. We were all isolated, my parents moved us around all the time, they barely worked, we had no contact with extended family or any friends and we were all kept under our fathers control into early adulthood. I believe he did that to us all to keep me all to himself, he was so obsessed with me. My brothers picked up on his Sick obsession with me, no doubt my mother did too but chose to turn a blind eye. She always backed him no matter what. I didn’t get my first job until I was 23 (not from me not trying and desperately wanting one to get away from him) but because he wouldn’t let us, would threaten and abuse us all the time, we had nothing, no money, no education, no way out. When my siblings and I finally started work, we all saved up and moved out together. I cut off all contact with both my parents with in 1 year of moving out. I have seen a psychologist about my past and I suffer depression still. Now that I am a parent, I struggle more with what was done to me than ever. I want them to pay for what they did, my mother is just as bad as him, she did nothing and turned a blind eye. I am no longer afraid of him, I want to confront them both and gouge their eyes out. There’s a big part of me that is so ashamed of what I come from and how long I put up with it and didn’t stop it. I was robbed of a education, I was top of the class in primary school and could have gone a long way. No one that knows me would ever believe I didn’t finish school as I made myself learn everything I could, to the point of over compensating for what I didn’t have. I am not sure what I am asking I just need to get it off my chest as it’s something that I hide from most people, and the only people that know the full extent is my siblings.
4 Replies
I have a little saying that "I am who I am in spite of where I come from" and it sounds like it fits you too. You're not a fraud! You've worked your fuckin' ass off to get where you are. When the negative thoughts come to you, remember that. Only you can know what it will take to heal from this, and in all honesty, you know the broken plate saying? How you can glue it back together but it's never the same? Sure the cracks aren't pretty, and sometimes they make us feel so fragile but they are the map of our hearts and enable us to survive - and thrive. I found what worked for me was grief and forgiveness. Don't get me wrong, I cut them the hell out but I grieved the parents I wished I had and forgave the ones I did. Mental illness, upbringing and perpetuating the abuse cycles, lack of self restraint, whatever it was that led to my shitshow of a childhood I had to pity their lack of fortitude to want better for their kids, and forgive the fact they were weak individuals that for some reason didn't think that we deserved better. Not forgive the abuse, not ever, but the weakness. It's how I get through, not necessarily anywhere near what you need to patch your inner child but gives you an idea of what worked for me. I don't share my story with many. My best friend knows, my partner knows. It's enough.
Look up imposter syndrome, many of us have it, even without the horrific abuse.
Good luck xxxx
It's ok to mourn the child you never got to be.
Yes you were a child! Put in a horrible situation by those who were supposed to love and protect you.
Feeling like a fraud/impostor is actually really quite common in this type of situation.
You have trauma love. That can make us feel as though we do not deserve what we have because we have never felt like we were worth much/anything.
Everything you are feeling is valid but
you have overcome so so much to get to where you are.
You as so far from being a fraud. You are a survivor.
I could be worth looking into some counselling just to talk it all through with someone.
I wish you all the best x
I could have written this myself except it was my birth giver not sperm donor.
I have spent a long time in counselling with CASA and they have helped me to see that I don't have to forgive them but I do need to let it go. If I hold onto that hurt and evil it's only letting them continue to control my life the way they used to.
I feel so much lighter and able to enjoy my life once I found the way.