I have been married for 10 years with a husband who I love so much, we have 2 beautiful boys together. Everything is good except we have been in a sexless marriage for over 7 years. This is due to my husbands mental health. During that time I have still been on the pill hoping that he may want me, like did early in our relationship. I know that things aren’t what they are going to be at the start, but nothing at all hurts so much. A couple of months ago I told him I was going off the pill. When I told him I was crying my eyes out, telling him how much it hurts me that he doesn’t want to be with me. He went to his GP who adjusted his medication to help him. Since then we have had sex once, with a condom. He complained about having to wear one, even though both of us don’t want to have another baby.
So here is my issue, sorry if it’s to much information. Tonight we started with foreplay, then once I came he said I know we have to be careful, so more foreplay from me to him and then he pulled away saying I don’t think it’s going to happen, but he was still cuddling me. After a moments silence I said I was confused about what was going on, he said we have to be careful. I asked if he had any condoms left and he said I don’t know. He then said you know they’re not great, I agreed and said they’re not great for me either. He said he didn’t want to upset me. I said I just wanted to know what was going on. He is now asleep and now that I have had some time to process it I feel so angry and hurt. Why would he do that? If we broke up and he met someone else he would have sex with them with a condom on, like, wtf? I don’t know what I’m asking or wanting here, I just need to get it off my chest
I will say this, talking about this with my husband is extremely hard for me. It took me 6 months to tell him I was going to go off the pill. I feel extremely vulnerable and find this conversation so hard as I’m so scared of being hurt, even though this is hurting me.
Why would he do that?
Why would he do that?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
13 Replies
Go and get your tubes tied if you are set on no more children? Or he can get a vasectomy? Either way birth control is comdoms and the pill will not be needed once he has the all clear or once you are fully healed. Especially if neither of you like comdoms it’s really not hard to make a decision between the 2 of you. He should be getting the vasectomy seeing as you birthed his kids. But that’s just my opinion.
Honestly I think in a lifelong relationship condoms are a terrible form of contraception, they kill the mood so much and I honestly HATE the feeling of them. Every single time my husband and I have tried to use one, it always gets ripped off and we say ahhh fuck it we will just risk it or get the morning after pill.
What were your reasons for coming off the pill? You could look at other contraception methods such as depo shot, mirena, implanon or tubes tied etc.
Yes he's being really selfish to complain about condoms at this point. You're not on the pill for good reason so condoms it is. Vasectomy is his option, but meanwhile condoms will not kill him.
I think you've been very patient 7 years in a sexless marriage.. well i gotta say .. sex isn't everything... but id have been broken long ago.. i don't have sex with partner very often.. we don't have much of a sex drive but it sure is nice to hold him and be close when we do... I'm not sure if you can come back from 7 years . Thats a long time.
I'm guessing impotence is or was his problem and the new medication is helping? I think it will take a while for him to get back into it and condoms probably really are not helping him. I'm all for the guy taking control of the contraception but I think in this instance you need to take the reigns. He needs help to get his sex drive back not feel extra pressure or stress or you will be back to no sex at all. He's making progress, encourage it.
I think it’s going to take a lot of work and awkwardness to get your sex life back on track. It’s been 7 years. That comes with a loss of confidence for both of you and there is bound to be some awkwardness.
It’s going to take a lot of work for you both to find your groove. Things are going to be said, things are going to be misinterpreted and it’s going to be bloody hard work until you get the good stuff.
If you want it to be successful I’d suggest using an easier to manage contraceptive for now.
I could also understand if you feel like you’re done!
In answer to your question he did that because neither of you like condoms and he was being careful to not end up with you accidentally pregnant.
I think you need to reassess your contraception method so the use of condoms aren't necessary. Unfortunately mental health medication does tend to lower sex drive, no matter the strength. Then, you both need to reignite that spark you had in the beginning! Do you guys get any alone time? Date nights? I'd start small hug and kisses on departing, shower together, maybe some sexy lingerie.
I'm not sure why you're upset? He clearly wanted to please you and he wanted to leave it at that. Perfectly reasonable. I would hate to use a condom with my husband and would stop too. I suck at remembering other contraception so hubs got a vasectomy. But we also forgot to book that in for about a year so if I'd stuffed up, which was frequently, we would stop instead of condoms too.
It sounds like it wants to make you happy hence why he went to the doctors - this isn't usually something a guy would willingly do. He stopped so you didn't get pregnant. Find another form of contraception- condoms do ruin the mood.
He sounds like he wanted to make you happy but didnt want to risk an other baby by not using a condom because neither of you like them. If neither of you want any more kids he needs to get a vasectomy or you get your tubes tied.
Mental health issues are a horrible thing to have to deal with in a relationship but you clearly love each other if you are willing to stick it out this long. My partner has PTSD and I have anxiety it doesn't bode well for a great sex life. Meds and anxiety can cause issues for men, my partner may want to have sex to relieve stress but because his mind is racing with other things he can't perform and that makes him feel worse. Although it feel like its you (I know I've felt it a 1000 x) it probably isn't. He still wanted to be close to you and baby steps are good after such a long time.
I just wanted to clarify a few things, especially for the lovely Mums that have made comments on here and the FB post.
I was on the pill for 10 years whilst not having sex once in the last 7 years. It started to take its toll on me mentally (not just in regards to sex) and is why I decided to go off the pill. For me being on the pill was a sense of hope that things may turn around. It has turned out that it was a conversation starter for both of us in regards to the lack of sex in our life, I was not expecting any change in our sex life by having this conversation with him.
My husband has been on anti anxiety meds for 3 years now and I do understand that his anxiety and meds have effected his desire to have sex. His anxiety (before meds) made him really unapproachable in regards to certain issues, this being one of them, and he would get angry and completely shut me down.
The rejection of being in a sexless marriage can be soul destroying. In saying that my husband and I have a beautiful and loving marriage. It would just be nice to have sex every now and then, to feel that special connection. For me it’s not about the orgasm (even though that’s a bonus) but about the connection between us.
I just want to thank everyone for commenting and providing some really helpful advice xx
I can totally answer this one for you, I know everyone is different but my partner too have some serious MH issues and lost his sex drive due to medication although not as long as 7 years. He tried changing meds but pretty much the same and even took viagra. He doesn’t want a condom with you because you’re not just some fu€k, the excitement is different. My partner would go soft when using a condom and then he would think of all the scenarios of letting me and himself down that ‘he can’t do the job’ so before it even fails he retreats. I’m on the implanon now so we can just do it when the moon and the stars align. It’s all about compromise, communication and finding a balance. Xx