I’m sorry if this comes across jumbled, but right now I am at an extremely low point and I can’t seem to make it out this time.
What do you do when everyone around you thinks you are thriving rather than barely surviving. When everyone sees you as the funny one but inside everything hurts so much you actually feel like you can’t breathe.
Nothing has changed in my life yet I feel like I have reached a point that I can’t do this anymore, I am only here for my kids right now because inside I hate myself.
I grew up in what outwardly looked like a stable affluent home but that was not the reality. My dad was emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically abusive to all 3 of his children and my mum. I’m not sure why my mum stayed but she did and the emotional abuse became so bad that in our teens all 3 of us attempted suicide at different times and still she stayed. I don’t blame my mum because as an adult it became my job to understand why women stay but it still hurts. I believe that we have all become products of our environment in very different ways - one is volatile and quick to anger, one has cut themselves off from anyone (including family) getting close and then there is me, the one that hates themselves.
Growing up all I ever wanted to be was a mum and I promised myself that I would make a family that any child would thrive in, as it turns out I failed at that. I left my children’s father because I could at least recognise that although it again looked amazing from the outside what was happening on the inside wasn’t a healthy environment to raise kids. My ex uses gaslighting ALOT and even 10 years after leaving him I still give him the power to make me question my own sanity. The mother of his new baby has even admitted in texts that she knows he does it to me and that he is now doing it to her. She has said that she has battled with him from the time she met him 4 years ago to make his kids a priority and that she doesn’t have the energy to fight him on it anymore. This last few weeks have been particularly toxic with him and I am exhausted from working full time, raising my kids on my own and basically just life and I truly don’t know how to properly breathe anymore. I don’t know what it feels like to actually like yourself let alone love yourself as I have never have. If you were to ask my friends to describe me they would probably say strong, independent, funny and cheerful but really I am none of these things - I am just a really good actress. You see I look inside and see nothing but black and I hate myself the most for picking a dad for my kids that will never be good enough for them, if I could have any wish it would be that they never feel as empty inside as i do.
I don’t know how to breathe anymore
I don’t know how to breathe anymore
Posted in:
Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
3 Replies
You need counseling.
You need to work through your past so you can see your future.
You don’t know it yet, but your future is amazing. Be you. Be real. You don’t have to be happy all the time, you can show your children vulnerability, you don’t always have to be strong, but you DO need to learn to love yourself.
Your body has been through so much, the best you can do it learn to love it, nourish our brain and set an example.
It’s hard to see, but I promise there is light in front of you.
Cut the ex out as much as you can, don’t text unless is absolutely necessary. You are sane. Don’t let him value your self worth. Ever.
It is ok to feel breathless... it is ok to feel the way you feel... what I learned to love myself is making a little time for myself every day, even just 15-30 minutes, but routinely, religiously, until there is more and more minutes in a day, turning into hours where it’s about you - EVERY DAY!
I had cancer, have 3 children, have short fused husband, am a breadwinner, who comes across, as this pillar of strength for EVERYONE! So, people/friends/ relatives/ colleagues/ come for “advice”, “dumping” of their own issues/problems, f-ups for me to sort out/clean up/advise on, without asking ME first: “Are YOU OK?” So no one checks in with me.
Cancer, though a negative thing, taught me to “cut through BS of others”. I learned to say “No, sorry, may I recommend someone else to deal with your situation” (at work); tell my husband “no, it is not ok to behave like that ie short fused - love is too short for unnecessary drama, so if you want drama take it elsewhere and pick on an equal ie another angry man out there somewher” (at home); I learned to tell my children “no, there is no three course dinner tonight, guys, mama had a bad day and in need of a massage and a nice cup of tea, so you-3 are making sandwiches, and we go for a picnic by the sea, because it’s more fun and we can “ground with the Earth” for energy and foot massage in the sand (you should have seen their faces when I said it first time!!! I should have taken a photo! Hahaha!)
So, to breathe deeper and to start loving yourself EVERY DAY (getting more minutes / hours along the way) use my formula:
1. Start with 5 minutes to lift your head up, look at the sky/into tree tops/anything, etc. then get yourself a coffee/drink out somewhere. Do not look at iPhone/gadget, just sit there and observe others without any judgement and have that little smile of Mona Lisa on. Nod your head, saying hello to strangers and just that little smile, whilst observing... enjoy (it will feel strange at first)! (It’s so nice not to be chasing/monitoring your children, it’s that moment of just YOU enjoying your coffee/drink out). Find 5-10 minutes a day religiously!
2. Have a space in your garden - off bounds for children, which you can take your favourite chair out to, nothing will happen in 10 minutes you are sitting there, relaxing. Put your feet up on another chair! Lift your head up! Ahhhh! Enjoy just that moment!
3. if no garden, go to the beach/park - take off your shoes - GROUND yourself. Our planet is so powerful! The energy you are going to receive will give you instant results, just open up to it - receive and enjoy! The energy and love from planet Earth is unconditional! (Kids can run around bare feet too, they would be filling up and fuelling up on Earth’s energy too!)
4. Book yourself in a monthly massage session. Religiously! Try EVERY spa/massage salon in the area with good reviews. Not long ago I wouldn’t let people touch me, let alone massage me for an hour-two. Now I think I could spend a day or two just relaxing and someone doing massage! Start small, start with foot massage! $25 for yourself to start off with and then built up from there.
5. Learn to say “no”, “I see what I can do, BUT no promises”, “can I suggest to use someone else on this occasion, this weekend is my “me” time”. People actually understand and respect those that respect themselves and their “me” time! We live only once!!! Life is short, so enjoy every available moment!
6. RE: gaslighting ex - THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM! Your ex’s new wife/girlfriend’s problems are NOT YOUR PROBLEMS His anger is “dumping of BS” on YOU, so... use the phrase in your head: “talk to a hand” and just hang up on him! ...
You’ve got grounding to do, massage and coffe/drink to have and...
7. Go dancing! Find salsa/samba classes or social dancing and GO and DANCE!!! Even, if you have never learned, never moved! Go and do it!!!
Go and see a doctor first of all. They can refer you to a psychiatrist. You life CAN get better! Your life WILL get better!! Make yourself a priority. Get some self help books. Louise hays “you can heal your life” and eckhart tolles “the power of now” will open your eyes, Make you see that you are the one in control of your life. Your are the only one that can make yourself better!!! Do this not only for yourself but for your kids. You can do this 👊🏻