Bit of a backstory ... I caught my partner of 5 years emotionally cheating with another female that he knows through texts and phone calls a few months ago .. however it is my fault that I found out because I should not of been “snooping” through his phone apparently ?🤔.
We are trying to work through this for our family, I do love him but the trust is missing ....
Recently he said a female friend from his past has contacted him and they chat nearly every day (he has never mentioned this woman to me before)
When I went to go through his phone again We got into an argument saying I need to respect his privacy and not go through his phone .. I said we are in a relationship, you lie to me so I want the truth.
Am I right to go through his phone ??
21 Replies
No you should never go through your partners phone, that is so wrong and such an invasion of privacy BUT he should never give you a reason to have to go through his phone. Either way there is no trust in your relationship. You don’t trust him (with good reason) and he is a tool that can’t respect boundaries and your relationship. Do yourself a favour and call it. If he loved you then you wouldn’t be in this situation
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Only reason you know about the female contacting him is because he told you so . So he IS being truthful. So you attempting to go through his phone after he already told you they were in contact is a low blow and totally unacceptable. He was being honest with you bu informing you , it's you who wont trust, so why even be together .
No, it’s never occurred to me to go through a partners phone. I’d be horrified if someone went through mine. It’s like reading someone else’s journal or rifling through my purse.
There are few opportunities for privacy and a sense of self in a relationship Phone’s, diaries and purses/wallets are that domain. Oh and pooping!
If my partner had given me enough reason not to trust him, checking his phone isn’t going to repair that. He can delete messages and conversations anyway.
There has to be trust and if he has broken that trust he needs to earn your trust, but that won’t happen by you treating him like a 13 year old who needs his social media monitored still.
If he thinks the only problem is if you know, throw him away!!!
One of the conditions of being together after a break in trust is usually transparency. So he has told you about a girl he's chatting to, great. When you ask to look at the messages he should show you. Yes he could delete them but you will know if he's being honest and open or not. And you know that if he's not you will leave next time.
Can you snoop through his phone? No. If he refuses to show you when he is supposed to be being an open book, proving himself and reassuring you, that's all you need to know.
110% agree with this response! Recently had this issue with my husband and this is exactly how I've been able to build that trust again.
It sounds like he is working hard on improving by telling you she has contacted him and to avoid any potential flip outs. To me that is showing maturity and honesty and I wouldn't say there is a need to go through his phone. If you feel you need to go through it then I am sorry but there is something majorly wrong.
I don't go through my husband's, he wouldn't give two craps but what he does and who he talks to are completely his business and I trust him enough that he will be honest and upfront with me. He tells me when those Indian pornstars even add him on Facebook or he gets an email about "sexy hot chick in your area" haha.
I will admit that when he went away on a trip one time I did log into his FB messenger as something felt off and he wasn't responding to messages. He had been using drugs and that was why he wasn't replying and I didn't talk about it to him but when he got home he told me straight away he had been using that weekend so I feel like I have no need to go through his phone.
I dont, but I know I can if I wanted to. If I walked up to him and said, I feel uneasy I'd like to look at (insert app here) he would hand his me phone. And he wouldnt even need to unlock it because whenever he changes his passcode he tells me what it is. At night I lay on his chest in bed while hes scrolling his phone as I do the same, both open in plain sight to see and just the other day he left his phone in my car and didnt bother to grab it for ages. All of these bits of behaviour put together are the reasons I dont go through his phone because I've been given no reason to think I should.
In saying all of that, it hasn't always been this way and we have both snooped on each other. I think that, If you have reason to think you need to peek then I think it's on that person for acting shady. Everything should be an open book.
I usually don't but I have before and occasionally look at what he has recently been in and his recent texts. There is never anything but I just have a quick look very occasionally. He knows this and doesn't care. I guess because he doesnt have anything to hide lol
If he become protective and started talking about privacy, I'd hit the roof. Nothing is private in our relationship.
If there is never anything why do you keep needing to check? This seems controlling and like you have some issues
I usually look as I am passing by his phone on the bench. Just as I check my own phone as I pass by.
I am not in the slightest controlling as he does the same with my phone.
I have never 'gone through' my husbands phone. I use it (with his permission) if I don't have my phone handy and need to call/text/look something up but I don't check who he has been calling or texting and I don't go through his browser history.
No. Never have or or never do I intend to.
If you trust him you shouldn't want to go through his phone. But as you've said the trust is damaged. So you are looking to assure yourself that he's not still breaking your trust. Women who haven't experienced the hurt and anxiety stress and heartache that follows a betrayal will say 'No it's not ok' .... having experienced what you've described in my life ... I think you can and should look. Be open about it tell him why you want to do it. If he's got nothing to hide there will be nothing to find. You are obviously trying to salvage a marriage and a family.
My feelings are that when a relationship gets to this point - it's done. I couldn't be in a relationship where I'd constantly be in fear of him cheating and being that person who needs to check phones etc. It sounds exhausting!
Now, under normal circumstances:
My partner and I know each others pin codes but that's for security reasons/emergencies. I have no desire, nor do i feel i have the right to look through his phone just because i feel like i should be entitled to and vice versa. It's a breach of privacy and not just for the phone owner but all the people the phone owner has contact with.
Think of it this way.
Say you sent a girlfriend a really personal message, how would you feel of you knew her boyfriend had access to your message because they were having 'trust issues' in their relationship?
I know it'd piss me off...
If my partner came up to me and said he wanted to look through my phone, I'd tell him to get stuffed because my phone is mine and it's private. I'd expect the same response from him if the tables were turned. I/we have nothing to hide either so I have a real problem with this "If they have nothing to hide they'll show you" notion.
I prefer the "If you trust me, you wont feel the need to ask".
Have done it before and will do it again. I don’t care if he looks through mine. Nothing to hide. I like transparency.
Your issues however would be red flags for me. Especially if I didn’t know the girl.
I could easily pick up and read texts/messages on my husband's phone if I wanted to. I just don't because it's boring lol. Just the same as he will look over and read what I'm writing to people unless I tell him my friend is talking about an issue of hers that she doesn't want him to know. But unless I say that he might randomly pick up my phone and message her pretending to be me. It's a bit of a laugh that she picks it is him instantly and he can't trick her. Honestly, I think the issue was his betrayal, not your picking up his phone. The exception to this is hubby can't unlock my work phone because it would be a breach of privacy laws for him to have access to that.
I read my ex husbands once in secret. Prior to me checking he had changed the pin although I saw what it was. I could also see from his phone records numerous text messages to his female boss. I confronted him about it by pretending I hadn't already seen his phone, and asking to look at it. I had never done this before and probably wouldn't again, unless there was reason to!
He's broken your trust. The only way to earn it back is through time and transperacy.
My ex husband and I had complete transperacy with phones, nothing to hide. My current partner (who has also broken my trust) can't even leave his phone facing screen up on the table. He turns it off if he has to leave it for even 5 minutes. This is definite alarm bells. If they are kicking up such a fuss.. what are they hiding? I'm with you on this.
Yes you do have every right.. I know I would be doing the same. If he hasn’t nothing to hide then what is his problem. He sounds like a selfish disrespectful brat! Start hacking his Facebook too. Why does he need these women in his life.?? he is fishing for an out by the sounds of it. He also only told you about the girl from the past to cover his ass incase you found out. He wasn’t doing it out of the good of his own heart. Seen it so much. He just wants you to think there is nothing in it.
I was in the same situation many years ago when my husband had an emotional affair over messenger.
Yup. Trust was gone. But it is 100% something that can be rebuilt.
And for me, yes, I needed to be allowed to check messages to help rebuild that. He gave me passwords to everything and allowed full access. It made me personally feel more secure. And you need to feel that security again.
For a little while, I was extra touchy when it came to his interactions with the opposite sex. That was my healing process and the fact he supported and respected that helped ease any worries and went a long way.
I don’t check messages anymore. I don’t freak out over little stupid things. I trust him completely again and to be honest - it taught us both a lot about our relationship and actually helped strengthen it.
He feels hurt cause you snooped. You’re fixing it by asking him to look at his phone instead of doing it behind his back. That will hopefully help rebuild his trust in you.
You feel hurt because of the emotional affair - you will probably need a lot more things put in place to help you heal. And whatever they are, however over the top they might feel, then that’s ok! You’re working towards the common goal of fixing the relationship.
Big hugs. It’s an awful thing to be going through and I really hope whichever way it goes, whether you need to move on or you manage to fix it, that it works out for the best.